The trouble with "passing" as NT

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this is something that makes me doubt my being Aspergers, i have never tried to hide myself, in fact i just cant, its too difficult, i tried once but it only lasted a couple of weeks till i got too bored to try anymore. but despite that i have managed to have friends, who seem to like me as they want me to do things with them and talk to me so i don't know, i was bullied but that's not uncommon.

there seems to be a general consensus that people with Aspergers are often ostracized because of their differences but i always had some friends so either my friends just did not care about what i was like or they were very accepting or i don't have the differences i thought i did. objectivity is very difficult to accomplish when its yourself.

I'm on of those people who has learned to pass through years of work on myself to learn the NT world, which is still ongoing. Before I started meeting others with ASD, I used to think that by learning about themselves and developing the skills they needed to work on, anyone could get to the point where they were able to do so too.

Now, after meeting many others on the spectrum, I believe that not everyone can essentially change their ways of perceiving the world and make the sort of drastic adjustments that I made, because everyone on the spectrum is different and processes the world in different ways. I've also learned to be aware of my own privileges. I don't have central coherence issues, sensory processing issues, rigidity issues, literal thinking, or many of the other things that I see affect others with ASD. Knowing this allows me to be cognizant of the challenges people actually experience.

I've read stories about some people with ASD pushing themselves to be so called "normal" and experiencing breakdowns and burnout, even when they are intelligent, self-aware, and have been trained or given strategies. I've realized that for some people on the spectrum (specifically those with either more traits of ASD and/or more obvious traits), pushing yourself to be "normal" may do more harm than good and it should not be a good idea for these people to push themselves into that direction. This is not a bad thing, because there are other ways to adapt to the NT world without changing yourself. I am really big on learning self-advocacy skills and self-awareness and feel that no matter how your ASD affects you, it's essential to know how ASD affects you and how to advoacte yourself and explain your behaviors to others.

My answer would be: it depends on the person and how much ASD affects them. If it's fairly mild and they've been able to learn some social skills and fit into the world in some way, it wouldn't hurt to learn more of these as this could improve their confidence. However, if your ASD makes you stand out in an obvious way and you often do things that make it very apparent that you have an ASD, I would work on self-advocacy and learning how to explain your behaviors to others.

Problem is I come off as NT pretty well, and that's what people expect. So when I tire out and my Aspie-ness comes out, people think, "What's wrong with him?" rather than, "Oh that's just his Asperger's." So I'm heavily judged for not being gregarious and normal acting.

I don't try to pass as NT. I am my weird self. The people around me are mostly accepting and can take the weirdness, at least my type of weirdness.

The trouble with passing as NT is that if you force it long enough, the real you could end up coming out with a vengeance.

I've found myself wanting to do this too. It's like when I'm social people don't really experience the whole me unless we share a common interest. I was at a band's after party recently and felt extremely awkward and uncomfortable and driven to the alcohol being provided to us, but I wasn't sure if it was the alcohol, stimulants I had taken or just the familiar face I saw that made me open more up and talk about everything geeky from Star Trek to physics to astronomy, and even some philosophy. Although my conversational partner was more experienced in some areas than me it still felt good to finally talk about those things that truly mattered to me. And then I realised that I was putting effort into getting to know the wrong people; the people that I would have to suppress all of this 'uninteresting' information to. All along this fellow geeky conversational partner had been trying to get me to see his band all throughout last year and I didn't put as much effort as I would have put into seeing the bands that wouldn't allow me to open up about myself. It was one of those bands that had the after party.

I've learnt to be a very polite person too and I find myself surrounded by people that are less kind and essentially control freaks. Always bossing people around and never considering the other's feelings. It makes me think I should give them a piece of the old me. But I never will, I just believe people should be treated with decency and respect. Lately though I have enjoyed getting away with little things like lying and avoiding following their orders. I called this 'acting normal.' To me normal people aren't as honest as me or willing to just help others to make things easier for them. No, they're much more self-absorbed. But my conscious isn't liking what I'm turning into so I'm not sure how long this will last for.

I've decided this year to enjoy my introversion more. I've started to appreciate that I can be this way instead or needing to constantly go out and socialise. I live with someone who is an extreme opposite to me and it's hard not to be judgmental. I know she can't help who she is. Funny thing is most highly extroverted people think it is their duty to change the very introverted though, like our lives can somehow be improved by the continual exposure to large crowds and loud noises.

I think I pass ok for an NT. People have told me they don't think I'm autistic. Funny thing is I thought I stimmed and spaced out a lot more when I first met my friends. My friends are used to me spacing out now, one even turns to ask me how I'm doing to include me into the conversation which doesn't last too long. These days I have a whole lot more sensory issues and my mind is often off somewhere. I suppose it's because of the lack of ADHD medication these days.
I can do small talk if the people I talk to are not those rockstars I used to desire friendship with so much. I seem to have an even more blank mind when a member of the opposite sex is rather attractive too. Then there's a few people (usually musicians) that I would rehearse conversations with in my mind.

As much as I really would like to stop acting NT or suppressing my obvious autistic symptoms, every time I face another social situation I automatically begin suppressing them again and for a while I trick myself into believing I am NT.

I used to think I couldn't hide my autism but I more suppress my autism. I avoid bringing up a special interest unless people bring something up relating to them. The only thing I can't hide is when I used so nervous I start lining objects up. Then my friend makes a comment about OCD which angers me. I do have some OCD but not that type.

I remember when I used to take any opportunity to tell people about my interests or any thought that came to mind. That's something I can no longer do. I'm a little saddened by losing that part of myself and I wonder if I can ever recover it. It used to feel me with such joy to talk about the air force or Doctor Who or astronomy, and now I could probably talk about Carl Jung or the history of IQ tests for hours.

^This.

Thanks for turning this into an interesting discussion, people.

I'd like to throw in some of my experience, which is that allistic society expects us to, as someone on another thread put it the other day, "assimilate or be destroyed", or at least be so marginalised that one can no longer engage at all in their society (and make no mistake, it is their society).

I'm failing utterly to resolve this problem, and I would love to hear more from those who have done so.

Is the only option to accept being a recluse? I can see that this might work on an individual level, but does nothing to end the display of privilege that comes with the expectation to pass or be excluded from society.

I'm resurrecting this thread in hopes we can discuss this issue further.

I have for years "passed" though I was emotionally troubled and had many, many psychological issues. So that was "payment" if you will: a nervous breakdown in 2006.

Later, a couple of years after diagnosis, I have painfully and meticulously separated the "real me" from whatever it was I had become. Through an experience in meditation, I lost my "ground" and lost also, my self. This, as it turns out, was a good thing, but I didn't know that was what had happened at the time, it was a very dark and scary part of my life-- psychosis and all.

Today, I don't know what to do. I have marginally worked on my "aspie-ness" to come across better, though I don't really have any idea of how I'm coming across. I guess my AS is severe in the social aspect, it's the biggest challenge for me (I know it is for others too). Along with my sensory stuff and lack of central cohesion (really badly, I have ADHD also) make it pretty much impossible to really sort this stuff out to any satisfying degree.

SO what is left for me to do, I'm at another breaking point in my life, another failed career attempt, etc.

Should I go back to "passing"? Can I? Does anyone go back once they've become genuine? I mean, for us, falsity is like cardinal sin, I can't NOT be true to myself, because that is LYING and I really, really dislike that.

I was deeply moved by pensieve's post. I'm starting to see that I could have friends if I stopped trying to act NT and sought those who understood me more. Instead I've actually harmed a potential friendship by not being able to see this sooner. As with all things, I'm learning.

I don't try to pass as NT, because I'm always trying to bring mental health awareness and Autism awareness to every day life, not just for one day a year.

I talk here and there about the odd piece of relevant information that comes up on mental health, Autism, etc. on Facebook to my friends. I certainly don't spam it, I just like to remind people that although I might be weird, I'm not a total freak, and this is awareness in itself.

Apperently I pass as normal even if I think I'm failing at passing.

I know I pass off as more of a very nervous and highly sensitive person with learning difficulties. I say this because I don't show obvious Autistic stereotypes like flapping hands, avoiding eye contact, talking only about special interests, not understanding jokes or sarcasm, not recognising body language, lacking common sense but showing intelligence, reading fast and being extremely good at maths, and appearing ''geeky''. So to people who don't know I have Asperger's, they'd suspect anything but Asperger's.

So I'll probably be in denial if I said I pass off as NT exactly, but I don't appear ASD-like either. That's one good thing about Autism, people who don't have to live with it only see Autism through common stereotypes that they may know of, and expect an Aspie to be most or all of the stereotypes in the list above, and in my experience people expect me to be more intelligent if they know I have Asperger's.

This is where going for job interviews is very daunting to me. I'm OK opening up about my shame on WP, but to look an interviewer in the eye and tell them about my shame really sends a shiver down my spine. If I sit through an interview and not tell them that I have this cursed thing, they'll most probably think afterwards, ''did something seem a bit strange about her to you?'' But if I did tell them about this cursed thing, afterwards they'll probably think ''I wouldn't of known she had that, she seemed pretty OK to me.'' I prefer to just tell them I have a non-specified learning disability, but my mum says she wouldn't like me telling everyone that because it might make me out to be ''stupid''. But not all people with learning difficulties (or what I said) are stupid. I grew up with a cousin who just had learning difficulties but she was good at spelling and also taught herself how to play the piano too.

threads like this make me laugh at the idea that anyone would want to be thought aspie when they're not.
does that person even exist?

long decades when there was no name, nor even a reasonably approximating stereotype, i remember.
helps to be an artist, they're weird. computer nerd, natch. introverted, well sure. i adapted.

and learned to live on next to nothing.

It is a catch 22. If a person can act really well that person can get very rich. A very rich person can advocate and be listened to. But most on the spectrum can't act well enough to be very rich and even those that can will be heavily damaged internally. An unemployed "weird" person most likely will be ignored. If I act I lose, If I be myself I lose. Trying to decide which course of action is least damaging is draining and frustrating. I also find it hard tell the difference between when I am learning a new skill, adding a feature to my autistic self or acting.

I still will act for jobs. "Acting Professional" is something that most people who work do. I might act for a period time to prevent somebody I like from being uncomfortable. What I am never going to do again is act to please society or because I am wrong.

I know there is a backlash against having an identity or feeling good about oneself because of a diagnosis especially an Aspergers diagnosis. But it helps me accept myself and stops me from hating myself. Hating myself would make these difficult choices a lot harder if not impossible for me to do.

Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 24 Mar 2014, 6:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm in the process of changing from acting to just being myself. Surprisingly most of my friends have remained my friends. They tell me they already knew I was weird and that I shouldn't worry about it. Two of them claimed they knew I had asperger's and saw me hiding it so they didn't bring it up. I consider myself extremely lucky that they are so understanding and accepting. I told my boss as well. His reply, "I know, Nathan. Just come in whenever you can." He has all kinds of medical books at work so I believe him. Acting NT has only led me to drinking and/or the psych ward. I think the better choice depends on the person. For me, I feel like I'm finally starting to find happiness now that I've stopped acting. I have more energy, motivation, and creativity. I'm much more in to my hobbies than before. All in all, I am who I am. Acting like someone else brings nothing good to me.