Friend with Autism refuses to break from routine

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there is no point in having him as a friend if have got very different interests.
it sounds like he is ok with his smaller world,there isnt anything wrong with that as its his choice.
unless he is protected under the mental capacity act [ie,has a intelectual disability] no one can act for him in his choices by proxy.

perhaps do other things with other friends and do things with him that help him to feel safe.
some autistics DO want to come out of their safe zone though and widen their world,ask him and if he is really uncomfortable dont ask again unless he brought it up.

Oh dear...this type of well-meaning "friend" is the type of person I've long since chucked out of my life and left behind me.

Yes, that's your problem. Your problem is that you are interfering in your friend's life and trying to change his routine because you don't like his behaviour.



No he isn't. It makes him happy. If it were hurting him, he wouldn't be doing it.



Why do you care? What business is it of yours? Why are you trying to change his life? He isn't trying to change yours, so why are you interfering in his?



No. If you are truly his "friend" then it is your role to accept him exactly as he is, and make him happy by being in his company when he wants and letting him do the things that he feels able to do. Constantly pestering him with invitations to go here and there will only make him very anxious and stressed, and he will end up cutting off contact with you.



What you say is complete nonsense. Autism is not something that autistic people "give in" to. Either you are autistic or you are not. If you are, you can't "fight" it. Isolation is necessary and desirable for autistic people to be healthy. If you want to continue being friends with this person, I urge you to educate yourself about autism and find out what it is.

The title you've given this thread proves you know very little about autism. "Friend with autism refuses to break from routine." Shock, horror. Now there's something you wouldn't expect. (I'm being sarcastic). You might as well have written a title complaining that your "friend with albinism refuses to stop wearing sunscreen" or "friend who is blind refuses to stop taking guide dog everywhere."

One of the defining traits of autism is the need for routine and control and predictability. Autistic people need to stick to a routine, in much the same way that albinos need to use sunscreen and blind people need to use canes or guides. If you don't know that basic fact, you don't know anything about autism at all, and you need to educate yourself before attempting to be friends with this person.

What's happening here is that you are aware that you yourself have a need for socialisation and are unhappy without it, so you are wrongly assuming that the same is true for all human beings. That is not the case. Autistic people have a need for solitude. They cannot be happy and healthy without it.

He is not at fault for acting as he does. Isolation is HEALTHY and NECESSARY and NORMAL for autistic people. You are the one who is at fault, for trying to force your autistic friend into too much socialisation by trying to force him to live as non-autistic people do.

Stop trying to change him. You are probably causing him a great deal of distress.

Just leave him alone. If you can't be friends with him on his terms, don't be friends with him at all.

Why should he go out and do something he may not want to do and may not enjoy just to please someone else?

I've had people act like I was missing out in some way by not doing certain things that I did not enjoy and got nothing out of.

If I had a friend that kept pressuring me to do things I didn't want to do I'd stop associating with them. It would be too stressful knowing that they would keep trying to force me to do things against my will.

I find going out, especially with little to no warning, to completely disrupt my entire day and then I can't do the things I normally do.

Ronbrgundy, You state on your profile that you have Aspergers and are diagnosed.

If this is true, you would know why your friend does what he does.

Why does your profile state you have Aspergers but you cannot comprehend your friend?

I understand no too people with Autism are alike, but there are over-laping similarities.

The fact that you don't seem to be able to comprehend him, yet state you are autistic, bothers me quite servilely.

I sympathise with the OP and I think they are allowed to feel annoyed. It's their life. Also, everyone should stop over identifying with the friend, that's not helpful.

KingdomOfRats said it best. You need to re-evaluate this friendship. If it is too one sided and the other party is unwilling or unable to meet half way then decision has to be made whether to continue with the friendship. Then we will have yet another poster who complains how lonely they are and how all their friends have dumped them because the world is so unfair for not bending to their needs while they just carry on as they like.

And before anyone jumps at my throat, I live this life myself and not for a second do I blame people for finding me annoying or dumping me because I have cancelled plans for the millionth time or refused invitations. I have no right to expect friendship if I cannot maintain the behaviour required to be friends with someone.

I am going to defend the OP here. Some people with aspergers are loners and like it that way, okay; but others want to socialize and need a little help with it. We don't know which is the case of his friend. Maybe he feels lonely but doesn't realize that without stepping out of the routine once in a while (with an invitation some time in advance, of course) he won't make any friends. Ronbrgundy didn't say anything about forcing him.

yeah, I have been patient for 10 years now. I love her. One day she actually thanked me for being the one friend that didn't abandon her.
It's a heartbreaking situation because she cried and admitted to me just last week she wanted to spend more time with me and that she doesn't know what she is doing with her life, spending all day on the computer. But the next day, there she was, obsessed again..
maybe I should tell her about my suspicions that she has aspergers, but I don't feel like it's a good idea right now because she's kind of unstable and depressed

I wanted to write a brief response I may respond again when I have more time as I'm about to go on a trip. It sounds like I need to invite him to things and give him plenty of notice. It also sounds like I need to be more accepting of his condition. It also sounds like he does not want to be made aware of his situation and condition, as he is either already aware and comfortable this way or he is aware and wanting to change but not having the right tools for change. It also sounds like he does not want to be judged so to pick an example: A normal person if you invite them to come to your house on the other side of town to do an activity you enjoy, but they counter every time with you must come to their house and do an activity they enjoy, this is very rude. In the world of autism, this is just him trying to stay in his safe zone. As far as in answer to my question about his capacity to change I am unsure it sounds like it varies wildly by who has autism and what type they have. He's kind of built this fantasy world around himself and in the fantasy world he is desired by women and has lots of friends so to me looking from outside in this is wierd but maybe with the tools in his toolbox this is the best bet for him. He had a meltdown a while back. We had 5 people at his house which was unprecedented. We tried to play a board game he was not familiar with and he had basically a meltdown. I got angry about it and let him know I wasn't going to bother with this type stuff anymore (at this time I did not know a lot about autism, and I still don't). The next week he offered to learn a board game with me 1 on 1 and I took this as his way of making amends or acknowledging that eating with his parents and having no other social contact is not what he wants. So I don't know his capacity or willingness to change but I guess in general I will try to be nicer to him and chalk up any social failures as having to do with autism more than anything else.

That is quite a far-fetched speculation.
He needs to talk to his friend, not just assume he is lonely and doesn't realize it.



If you suspect it, tell her. But make certain you are correct.
If she is prone to obsessing, you don't want to give her something that she becomes obsessed over and forces herself into that box. I've seen it happen to others. It isn't good to see a person build themselves around a concept, just to see it shattered before-hand.

Talk to her parents. She might have been diagnosed as a child but they didn't tell her.
It happened with me, My mother knew I might have had Aspergers, but she refused to get it tested.

Honestly, talk to him.
All you will get from us is speculation.


I highly doubt he is acknowledging that eating with his parents and having no other social contact is not what he wants by offering to learn a board game.
You terrified him.

You yelled at him when he had a meltdown.
You have no idea how difficult meltdowns, emotional overloads or sensory overloads are on people like us.
What you did is the equivalent of kicking a child with down syndrome because they put the block in the wrong hole.

He offered to learn the game because you are important to him and you yelled at him.
Please DON'T yell at him again when this happens.
Yes I know it's difficult.
But yelling isn't going to solve the issue.


Please, I cannot stress enough how important communication is with your friend.
In order to have a functional relationship with him, you need to do this.
Please, talk to him.

exactly.
I just pointed out there was this other option because most people here were rude and said the OP was forcing his friend to do something he doesn't want to, instead of asking for instance what was his evidence to believe his friend needs help to get out of the routine. We didn't have many information, so maybe his friend wanted to socialize or feels lonely, and not is feeling annoyed and forced as the users that replied would.


yeah, I fear that. She's kind of unstable so I don't know if her reaction would be acting more autistic than she really is (like you said building around the concept) or blaming everything on aspergers or suicide or who knows...


Wow, how did you discover it?
I doubt it's her case, but I really wonder how is it possible for parentes to raise a child with aspergers without realizing there are lots of "weird" things about them.


I totally agree with that. Honestly, if I had a meltdown and a friend yelled at me I would never talk to that person again. I know autistic people can be really different and thus difficult, but don't yell at him. It hursts emotionally and physically.
If he asked you to teach him the game the next week he probably likes you a lot Don't give up on him, be patient.


That's a very good idea. Talk to him and be honest that you want his friendship a lot but like that it's difficult and see if he wants to be more social. Then you two could set a "going out day" to be gradually inserted in his routine.

I fail to see the problem.

It might well be the thing that saves her. After I was diagnosed I finally had a reason for why I was different; it greatly reduced my social anxiety.

Sometimes a person does want to break free of their routine but it seems impossible to them. Think of someone with agoraphobia who is too scared to go outside. I had severe PTSD two years ago. I had some agoraphobia about being outside alone on my own for too long. Needless to say I turned down many invitations to go out.
I've got a plane ticket to go to Portland with my family in five months and to be honest I have no interest in it. No one seems to understand I'm happy to be home on my own for most of the day and if I do go out it's to familiar places.

I told my BP/ADHD friend about this post and she thinks people who want to change a person like taking them away from their routine ought to be dropped. That's the PG 13 translation. I love her blunt honesty sometimes. I still get kind of anxious when I go out and hang with her as she doesn't cover all bases but she does make sure I am prepared to come out.

So a person without an impairing neurological disorder is allowed to dump a person with those problems?

I think that's BS. I think those people aren't worth my time.

You can think what you want but I just don't agree with you.

I knew about Aspergers for a long time. My God-brother has it and four friends of mine whom I've always gotten along with better than others.
My partner , the first time I spoken to him since high-school, (We used to go to school together) thought I was autistic.
After that I started investigating the possibility of me having Aspergers.
I spoke to the doctors and after a lengthy and also somewhat troubling ordeal, I received my diagnosis.

Some time just before I received my diagnosis, I spoke to my Aunty Lyn (I call her my Aunty even though she is my God-mother) about my childhood.

She knew I was like her son and told my mother to get me tested.
My mothers response was; "No, she just needs to be punished (i.e beaten) more".

Because, you know, *Sarcasm* you can totally beat the autism out of a child. *Sarcasm*.

Anyone can stop being friends with anyone for any reason. If you and a friend are incompatible in terms of the things you like to do, why should you be forced to remain friends with them just because they have a disability? No one should feel obligated to be friends with someone else.