how to explain how not reacting to a bully does not work

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I was told to toughen up in sixth grade. Ironic my school Principal would say that because she had a rule about respect in her school and I have to wonder how is bullying and picking on others respect? I wished I had asked her that in 6th grade to see what she would have said to that.

'not reacting' is impossible in real life unless you're some sort of zen master.

There's a reaction, even if there's no response. They get their reaction so they keep doing it.

I've been there.

Only ever stopped when I hit back. Only ever took once.

It took getting mad instead of scared. Not an easy thing, and then I was scared afterwards because I'd been mad. Crazy.

I would compare it to domestic abuse. If a woman is getting beat up by her husband, people don't tell her to just ignore it. People don't just stop abusive behavior because you ignore it or stop reacting to it. They do it because they have a problem, and ignoring it doesn't do anything to resolve that problem. And most will just keep doing it as long as they can get away with it. Bullying is just another form of abusive behavior. The person has something going on inside themselves that is making them act that way. You are not responsible for their behavior. It's not like you can just change something you are doing to make them stop, because you didn't do anything to make them startbullying you.

That these are people you have had no previous interaction with is disturbing. It may be best to let your parents know. Having said that, you have to stand up to a bully/bullies. These are not the last that you will have to deal with in life. These are some things that have worked for me: stance and gate (shoulders up and walk purposefully,) awareness (don't let anyone ever sneak up on you,) respond in kind and ask questions (this is tricky and specific to the situation, but always engage in dialogue and don't be afraid to question their behaviour,) and finally and most difficult, don't be afraid to get hurt (if you are they will know.)

They told me i had to "fight my own battles" and the bullies never got into any discipline unlike me where i got punished for trying to react or even letting an authority figure know what was going on.

Who do you want to understand this and do you know what you want them to do instead for you?

Maybe have a look at the website Bully Online?

Personally I don't think ignoring them works - they get a kick out of bullying others, so there is no adverse consequence for them.

You don't have to make a full on response - you could just say: something like: "Ouch. Have you got your bullying hat on today?" This names their behaviour and reflects it back to them. But end the conversation there, and walk away, don't wait around for them to be reasonable (they won't be). They will try to blame you for their behaviour if you hang around, because that's what bullies do. They don't take responsibility for their actions.

That's something I never really understood for myself, it was basically "whatever I do, it turns out to work against me".
Here a small summary of the reaction of bully and surrounding on what I did:

- Listen to the "ignore advice", bullies apparently noticed that their approaches didn't go unnoticed. When I didn't react, they did their best to provoke a reaction (then they would, for example, start to get "physical" or would steal/harm my stuff/school-works/content). Apparently, they thought I was easy to play with, because I didn't stand up against what they were doing.

- Listen to the "report to trusted person/teacher advice", it made me look helpless to the bullies, since I couldn't manage to do something about it myself, so they increased their behaviour. Especially when the teachers got involved this got tricky: Conferences and alike provoked them because they felt in danger, so they thought they would have to "punish" and suppress the source of this danger - which was I. At some points, I think the teachers just didn't know what to do about it - or simply didn't care all that much. Heck, I always thought the punishments were ridiculous, none of the bullies ever even got a proper punishment and setting up rules in the classroom doesn't work that way if these people have no respect for the teacher either. Also, the bullies abused this even to give me a punishment - and it worked because: group of roughly 5 or 6 bullies vs. 1, teacher believes the majority "they can't all possibly be wrong" was the reasoning, so when they saw this works, false accusations when I did nothing but try to keep them off me (e.g. when they were trying to get my stuff, push them away) were not uncommon. It was then put to the extreme by them like "we got punched/kicked".

- Stay in a visible range to teacher to avoid getting bullied, teachers not always present, apparently I looked even more helpless and isolated that way, looked like I was "hiding". Didn't work before and after school either, so getting "stalked" and waited at at school entry/exit was still an issue.

- Get "active" myself and do the same to them that they did to me, funny enough, this resulted in being scolded by teacher (suddenly I was the "bad one" because noone knows a useful advice? Seriously...). I felt like getting punished even more for trying the only last logical approach that I didn't try so far (as their approaches were useless at best and only increased that behaviour, but obviously they were not listening and I was imagining things, eh?).

Unfortunately, my parents were at a loss for advice as well and didn't know what to do/could only give the advice of reporting to a teacher, but I don't think they're to be blamed, they showed concern and tried to help at least.

I'm going to be honest, I have no effin' idea how I got rid of it the last two years of my school carreer. Maybe it was because I managed to snap back on any negative comment they would make about me in a harsh manner and them being unable to get physical and being forced to stay on the verbal level because we were all already in the lawful age? Maybe they just calmed down or the teachers finally noticed that it was more than just some teen-pranks when I ended up having serious health issues and got into hospital (most likely a reaction on the constant stress, I guess).
I wish I could help here, but maybe the information I provided could be of some help and maybe someone got insight.

I think, under the condition you have teachers which are more sensitive and skilled in regards of what to do with bullying, the reporting (being referred to as anonymous person perhaps, explaining to the teacher why you want to be anonymous based on what I mentioned) might be the best way of doing it - although I am not going to guarantee any success either. Good, real friends that stand up for you and help you could be a solution too, but that is easier said than done/found. I mean, having friends that metaphorically backstab you because you are unpopular and join in to the bullying are bad friends, even those that do nothing and just look at what is going on are better in that.

It is important to find a good solution for your problem though and get something done against this.

Last edited by Sylvastor on 27 Mar 2014, 7:18 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Me too! The popular kids were always believed. Even when the adults in charge witnessed the bullying. They pretended they didn't.

I agree. It depends on the bully. A few get bored and stop. Others keep increasing the violation of your space until they get a reaction. That kind are just evil and unless there are others who will step in there seems little to be done. Ignoring them is not possible. If you ignore their verbal they will get physically in your face, if you ignore that, they will make physical contact, if you ignore that, then the physical will turn sexual to keep on humiliating you. Teachers only say ignore them when you complain about the escalation. It sucks.

You have the advantage of technology these days. Use your cellphone and record the bully picking on you. Show that to whatever adult does not believe you. If they dismiss it you tell them over and over that you dont think this is acceptable.

The issue I ran into with telling teachers is that if they decided to side with the bullys that would have the effect of open season at hunting time since the bullying is now sanctioned by the administration! If you hang around teachers too long they will tell you to play with your friends and make you go away so that is not always a good idea either.

In the lower grades and in high school I never really gave a reaction and the only thing that sort of saved me in high school was the fact that the worst bullys failed many classes and I passed so after a year or two I did not have to deal with them much anymore. Had I stayed more then the minimal time on school grounds in a given day things would have been far different, learning how to avoid people was the best skill I learned unfortunately. Now I have next to no friends so that is not really good advice in the long run.

Vicky, I always found it interesting how the social hiarchy the kids developed was so often adopted by the teachers, those kids literally ran some of those classrooms.

That's interesting about social hierarchy. I remember teachers who cooperated with bullies in their classes to bully specific students (like, say, me).

I was bullied for years, from 3rd through 7th grade.

Interestingly, it didn't take much to stop it.
Stood up for myself, verbally, once, and let just enough of the psychotic rage I feel during meltdowns, and which is apparently always there, come to the surface for them to see it in my eyes.
No one messed with me after that.
I got the impression that it was the look in my eyes rather than the few harsh words I had for them that got them to back down.

Bullies are pretty much cowards.
Scare them, and they'll never bother you again.

I was bullied in 7th grade by a 16 year old boy who was in 8th grade. I was a 12 yr old female. Sixteen year old boys should not be in school with 12 yr old girls but I didn't recognize that at 12. I consistently ignored him and he never stopped. I carry a great deal of rage about the whole thing. I regret not doing something. I was kind of scared of him, but the bullying (all verbal) took place in front of probably 100 people in the school gym every time so he wouldn't have done anything physical to me in front of 100 people, presumably. Ignoring a bully does not make him or her stop. Maybe the bully will get bored and move on but that does not mean your ignoring them DID anything. Ignoring the problem became my go-to coping mechanism and with that you eventually end up royally screwed at the bottom of a pit you have to dig out of.