Five Generations of Asperger Syndrome

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I'm almost positive I have three generations of Asperger's-Autism Spectrum in my family: my grandmother (mother's side), my mother, and me and my sister. In addition, my sister's two children might be Spectrum-friendly or Spectrum-lite. And going back one generation further, my grandmother's father, well, he didn't get married till his 40s, he got an outside walking job for 'health' reasons although this may have really been sensory issues, . . . well, weakly suggestive, but the fact that his daughter was strongly Spectrum, he may well have been, too. So, I might have five generations in my own family, too.

And you are quite right that something as significant as the Asperger's-Autism Spectrum when it affects five generations should certainly be talked about. But, as I'm sure you also know, being right is not enough. It's like the Vietnam War, clearly a very harmful war, but some of the opposition was effective and some of it wasn't.

It seems as though the person who can be most helped is Bill's granddaughter, your great niece, right? And your biggest resource is your Sis, and maybe she can be a sounding board and/or the two of you together can help to educate this girl's father. And go slow. Just the idea that Autism is a Spectrum is a lot to wrap your mind around at first.

Please don't automatically assume this girl is getting good 'help.' A lot might depend on the personal skills of a teacher's aide if she receiving help in this fashion. To me, it seems obvious that a person on the Spectrum should "play to strength and be matter-of-fact about deficiencies." But a lot of psychology goes the other way and really wants you to focus and fixate on the deficiencies. For example, when I was a child I was good at organizing and leadership, getting other kids involved in playing tag games in this great tall grass, and later on when I was about age 10 helping to organize backyard carnivals inspired by McDonald's commercial where they advertised their kit for carnivals, but we largely did it on their own. What I'm not so good at is this casual hanging out in groups any larger than me and one other person, where we're just standing around and the conversation bounces from one loosely connected topic to another. I mean, I kind of get it, but I don't get the point, at least not for any kind of extended period of time. So, I don't want to become a poor imitation of a quote-unquote 'normal' person whatever that means anyway. I mean, no such thing as 'normal' and how boring a place the world would be if there were! I want to explore and go ahead and develop myself and allow to grow and be open to accepting better versions of myself.


You might also be potentially be able to help Bill's son, who I take it is probably a middle-aged guy in his 40s? With a lot of years of life ahead of him.

And please trust your gut instincts regarding all of this. I don't think you need to be 'tough' where none of this hurts. In some ways, I think it's better to be human.

I'm almost positive I have three generations of Asperger's-Autism Spectrum in my family: my grandmother (mother's side), my mother, and me and my sister. In addition, my sister's two children might be Spectrum-friendly or Spectrum-lite. And going back one generation further, my grandmother's father, well, he didn't get married till his 40s, he got an outside walking job for 'health' reasons although this may have really been sensory issues, . . . well, weakly suggestive, but the fact that his daughter was strongly Spectrum, he may well have been, too. So, I might have five generations in my own family, too.

And you are quite right that something as significant as the Asperger's-Autism Spectrum when it affects five generations should certainly be talked about. But, as I'm sure you also know, being right is not enough. It's like the Vietnam War, clearly a very harmful war, but some of the opposition was effective and some of it wasn't.

It seems as though the person who can be most helped is Bill's granddaughter, your great niece, right? And your biggest resource is your Sis, and maybe she can be a sounding board and/or the two of you together can help to educate this girl's father. And go slow. Just the idea that Autism is a Spectrum is a lot to wrap your mind around at first.

Please don't automatically assume this girl is getting good 'help.' A lot might depend on the personal skills of a teacher's aide if she receiving help in this fashion. To me, it seems obvious that a person on the Spectrum should "play to strength and be matter-of-fact about deficiencies." But a lot of psychology goes the other way and really wants you to focus and fixate on the deficiencies. For example, when I was a child I was good at organizing and leadership, getting other kids involved in playing tag games in this great tall grass, and later on when I was about age 10 helping to organize backyard carnivals inspired by McDonald's commercial where they advertised their kit for carnivals, but we largely did it on their own. What I'm not so good at is this casual hanging out in groups any larger than me and one other person, where we're just standing around and the conversation bounces from one loosely connected topic to another. I mean, I kind of get it, but I don't get the point, at least not for any kind of extended period of time. So, I don't want to become a poor imitation of a quote-unquote 'normal' person whatever that means anyway. I mean, no such thing as 'normal' and how boring a place the world would be if there were! I want to explore and go ahead and develop myself and allow to grow and be open to accepting better versions of myself.


You might also be potentially be able to help Bill's son, who I take it is probably a middle-aged guy in his 40s? With a lot of years of life ahead of him.

And please trust your gut instincts regarding all of this. I don't think you need to be 'tough' where none of this hurts. In some ways, I think it's better to be human.

Did you pre-think this encounter a lot and imagine it going down this way before hand? Maybe the reason you can't let go is just the emotional reaction some of us get when things don't happen the way we expected them to...

Higgie, you care and you are hurt because it does hurt. Contrary to popular belief many people on the Spectrum feel emotions extremely deeply. We feel them deeper than NT's usually do and when we are hurt we are hurt to the core. You are hurt because no matter how much you think you should not care, this is your family. He is your brother. You have a history with him and you were expecting some kind of bond to form once you discovered the reason for your trouble and once you realized that you had this commonality with your family. This is normal. And the fact that he rejected you again really stings and that is a very deep hurt. So it's perfectly understandable that you feel the way you feel. You can't change him but you can use this opportunity to get closer to your sister. Perhaps your brother will come around one day but he might not. It might just have to be a pain that you have to work through. It sucks but you might not be able to reach him and get close to him through this.

There is this saying:

"Don't waste time trying to teach a pig to tap dance; it will just exhaust you, and annoy the pig".

Your understandable feelings of deep hurt arise more from the past (I think) than what is happening now. You won't change his behaviour, you can't. But you can have a life built on deep self-understanding know and come to terms to what happened, who you are, and go forward playing to your strengths. Best wishes for the journey ahead.