Why do some NTs think we want to be like them?

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I know its hard, but don't lose hope. Many people have a very hard time accepting new concepts and ideas. Sometimes they are just not listening, or brushing it off to avoid it. You can try to communicate it in a more 'we need to get serious about this' plus explain what you think will happen it if isn't resolved. It may be a matter of somehow getting their attention, or breaking thru their normal walls. If you can get it thru to him he might get it... maybe not that very second, as many have instinctive defensive reactions, but after some real thought. If the AS/NT disconnect is the only major obstacle here, I think it may be worth a try.

I also think your Mom was wrong and it is never too late to find the right partner. Some times it can take a very long time, and you do have to be actively seeking them out. But I think its a big misconception that people with ASD can't be good partners and find good relationships. They may actually have some strengths that make them better at it in some areas then NTs. Neither is superior, but each have different strengths often, and can make a very good complementary team. A person choosing to be alone, that being their preference is one thing, but if you do not want that never accept it as just the way it is for autistic people. Its not.

I was referring more to adolescents (who generally have a greater perception on what is "normal" than children) than children. I understand your point though.

I think it's called ego. Or maybe it's the superego.
I also think people have a hard time understanding that not everyone perceives the world as they do. Hence, people may be convinced that their culture is the "best," instead of realizing that cultures can be different without one culture having to be "better" than the other. They think to themselves "of course I am the best, isn't it obvious and how could anyone think otherwise?"

+1000
...and it happens the other direction too. I expect people mean exactly what they say and I can't read into their NT minds to get the rest.
Looking into eyes doesn't help either, - nothing.

If I show them word for word what they said/typed and point out that the secret information is just not there, then they get angry with me and think I'm just being an as*ho**.

That's also what I observe around me.
Since most people filter all perception through their identities, then anything that threatens their identity simultaneously threatens their entire reality, and that's too frightening for them.
Visibly showing weakness or accepting things outside the norm often draws unwanted attention, punishment, or those waiting to take advantage of the situation. Their conscious minds know this, and knowing this causes fear.
Similar mechanism to the Uncanny Valley.

I think there's a couple of aspects to this.

1. Alot of NTs seem to have this idea that it's a genuine "disease", as in something that's just a bunch of really negative stuff and NEEDS a cure. So they think we all want one so desperately. Many of them will then try to force us into THEIR patterns and ideas, even if those patterns and ideas are bloody stupid.

2. Even more of them seem to have the idea that "normalcy" is the most important thing in the universe. Waver even a bit from the status quo, and you're weird, an outcast, a wacko, a geek/nerd, stupid... the list of possible terms that are applied there is very long. I think this is by far the most obvious part of the problem, as it can be seen EVERYWHERE, over and over and over again. Like how everyone MUST drink alcohol, particularly during any conceivable "event". Or how they think everyone MUST be interested in sports, because they are interested in sports, and it's normal to be interested in sports. Or, my personal favorite, sometimes you get the ones that have this bizarre assumption that everyone *wants* to work a job. That they dont just do it out of necessity, they actually WANT to, because.... sense of "doing something"? Ambition? The very concept just baffles me. But whenever people bring up the subject of the fact that I do not work a job and have not done so in like, 7, 8 years, it's always "but dont you WANT one?", and just.... ye gods, no! I dont! Why would I *want* to stand behind some damn register all day, or in some stupid cubicle, or things like that? And that lack of understanding is another form of going against the norm, which just adds to the trouble.

As such, because of these things, they seem to have the idea that the autism and our situations in general must be oh so bad for us, and that we so badly want to be free of it and normal, and... argh.

And try getting across the idea of not WANTING a cure to them (if you dont in fact want one... obviously there's plenty that do want it). The reactions can get pretty funky. It's like watching a computer try to divide by zero.


I dont say all of this in a mean way, towards NTs in general. I really dont. Obviously, not EVERYONE does these things, and even when they do, it's very rarely meant maliciously. It's a real, genuine lack of understanding, not a lack of intelligence or a bad personality or anything like that. But it's frustrating nonetheless, and the fact that it's so very common just makes it worse.

And it just emphasizes the fact that when you DO find someone that can be understanding of you.... you should really feel lucky for that fact, and cling to them that much more, and appreciate them.

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In my experience people don't assume that I want to be like them. They actually assume that I am just like them. They just think that something is "wrong" that is stopping me from acting like it, something that can be changed or fixed.

Agreed, and some people don't want to believe that their significant other has such a thing. It might mean they have to change their own responses. Their skepticism also has them thinking that you can be normal, if you only tried harder.

There is a certain truth to this, a kind of natural selection, and a part of many subcultures (party culture, football culture, etc).

Similar to Introversion. Several who know I'm introverted think they can "help" me and cure me. And because I can act the extrovert, people think I'm mistaken in saying I'm an introvert, like it's a bad thing.

Don't give up hope. Not all people are so ignorant in the way they treat people.

ElsieJ I understand what you mean now you've explained a bit more.

Now I don't understand why he has a hard time understanding your perspective. The way you've explained it here makes total sense.

Don't loose hope that you'll meet someone compatible. Now you understand yourself better you will be in a position to understand what you need in a partner and that's a good thing. Sometimes it takes people a long time to work out what they really need from someone else. So you never know who will come along in the future who is more suitable.

I feel sorry to hear about this. It must be a difficult situation and hurt a lot. Big hugs.