PLEASE read, in serious need of help...

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ikerio, yes, I know that. I'm 52 and I've heard all the advice about making friends, and I do realize that desperation shows. I know this regarding looking for friends. And I know this regarding job interviews. It's something one will hear around. It's something my then-husband said himself when on his job search. I do have life experience and I am aware. What you are saying is one of life's truisms, for sure. However, I also believe you are being overly gloomy, because even this truism in life does NOT always hold true.

This young woman wants to find friends. She wants to find a social setting in which she can go to places where like-minded people are. She's found one that fits the bill but isn't yet quite warming up. She's about to stop even going.

Yes, desperation may show up so much on her that when she goes to these places, there's the reason why nobody is drawn to getting closer to her, perhaps.

But nobody AT ALL will be there to either talk or not talk to her if she doesn't go at all.

Just like, you don't land a job by never applying for any (at least, not unless family employs you in the family business...)

Sometimes in life YOU DO have to "get out there" and proactively create for yourself the conditions that bring closer what you're looking for, because "there" is the only place of even the slimmest chance of all. Not shut in your house.

Because even though nobody so far may want to be closer friends down at the club, TRULY nobody is just going to start knocking on her door saying "Hello, random stranger here, who telepathically knew that someone in this house wants friends! Friend here!" That is even more surely not going to happen.

My point is that, despite desperation being off-putting, true enough, you're STILL in a better chance of running into someone who wants to become friends by pursuing the social settings she is pursuing, among fellow musicians in her case, than by giving up going there at all. Plus these things take time. As I pointed out in my own post above, I too got the cold shoulder at first, then people started warming to me, and I wound up with an amazing set of friends and had a blast. I'm sure I was desperate too, but I still wound up making friends.

You can go fishing and never catch anything, but at least you were in the place where you would, not in your living room...

Plus, and this is my final statement on this, because if you want to go around in circles on this I'm NOT PLAYING THAT GAME --- it worked out for me. I was actively looking for friends and I found them. It doesn't always work out badly to actively want something and then make sure you are in the situation where that would happen.

Now, that's all I'm going to say. I'm not arguing with you about this because I've had plenty of life experience too, just like you, and while I KNOW what you're saying, it still doesn't get you anywhere to not even allow yourself to be exposed to the possibility you desire.

You will find that advice given to jobseekers, friend seekers, love-match seekers, people who want to conquer Everest with two prosthetic limbs -- you can sit there and be gloomy all day long about how it's not going to happen, so why try, but that's not the way anyone really gets anything in life. Trust me, I know from my own life.

.

I repeat: Either you have the ability of not only making friends but keeping them or you haven't got it
Simple as that.
You seem to have it and you found them. Congrats
Not everybody is the same. It is to do with some traits some of us have.
I'm not gloomy. I'm realistic and stay firm on the ground.

If you've been on here a while and have yet to read the thread in my signature, I highly recommend that you do. You might just learn what you need to do to change e v e r y t h i n g for the better as I've done for myself. Feel free to get in touch via pm if you have any questions/comments.

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

Posting to send you hugs too. I know it's hard, I'm a decade older and still with that heart of gold with a zero sum list of friends. Bless you for trying, I do hope you find a way and someone was able to help.

sharkattack:
Thanks. It is pointless to pretend otherwise; you cannot fool people
I bet you have taken it in your stride and don't let it worry you too much.

I forgot to add that I am still friends with people I have been in bands with from over twenty years ago, no matter where they are. But really I don't have many friends. You just pick up a few along the way.

Finally, I'm at a computer!

Anyway, I want to thank everyone for their responses, particularly BirdInFlight and Skurvey for giving me some very practical advice ( and yes, I have played the open mic night circuit recently).

Ikerio, unlike BirdInFlight, I don't find you gloomy sounding at all. However, I do find you to be highly unrealistic in your outlook on how friends are made/ how to keep friends, etc. There's no *magic* involved in making friends. There's no secret formula to it, nor is there a *magical* personality trait one must possess in order to make a friend or in order to make people like you.

Making friends isn't a talent nor is it an art. It's not the kind of thing where one would say "Oh, you either have it or you don't." It's not something you are, it's more like something you do.

Ikerio, you sound much lonelier than I could ever be. I don't mean to be judgmental, but you sound like the kind of person who has grown accustomed to settling.

One thing that I've always been comfortable with is myself. Having a companion is nice, I've had a few before. But having friends to turn to is something I haven't yet experienced. Maybe one day I will, maybe one day I won't, but whatever the case may be, I have to get past this lonely feeling. Believe it or not, I enjoy my own company, but I do get tired of doing so many things by myself.

I never try hard. The only way I'm able to make a statement like that is because I make it a point to just be myself. Staying true to myself is very important to me and I'm never going to adopt a personality to fit into a crowd. And I'm not going to make up sh*t about myself just to seem cool, I'm not going to pretend to be super bubbly or super cool & withdrawn, etc I think you get the point. I just try to mingle, smile, and be interested in the moment. Unfortunately, that seems like it's not enough for some people. But again, I can't change myself...

I do agree with BirdInFlight that in order to make friends, you simply have to BE OUT THERE. Since the day I started this post, I've thought about a few things which is why I'm commenting right now. I think I just need to focus on another area of my life and let the Universe take care of this one particular thing. Friends will come eventually.

Hi. Here's the thing: you've gone to a place where people already have connections and have put yourself in there, and nobody has incentive to take you in.

Try groups that are not music-based. Do you have any other interests? Are you religious at all? Are there causes you're interested in?

Very few people just wander off someplace on their own, with no particular reason to go somewhere -- school, a job, family. People tend to stick with their communities, and when new people show up, unless they're somehow necessary, they're often just ignored because it requires energy and time to focus on this new person. And that's fine, but it means you need to find groups you're already sort of part of, either because you're working together on something and need each other, or because of some sort of affiliation you already share.