Now that I know.... I even more of an PAIN!

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For the past year or so, I had been trying to make a conscious effort to be more outgoing, talking to people in line, or anything to try to become more comfortable with socializing in situations that I could afford to mess up (the chances of seeing someone again from a grocery line are much less than someone who I have class with twice a week). However, in seeing the definition of AS, the diagnostic criteria, and the people who live with it every day (thanks WP), I'm 95% sure I have it.

That being said, learning that I don't have some sort of personality flaw, but rather am wired differently than pretty much everyone I come in contact with during a day has stopped me from trying to fit in. Eye contact has always been uncomfortable for me, but I've now stopped trying to even try. If I don't want to look, I won't. My eye contact is still forced, just enough to make the person know I'm listening, but no more than that (even though in conversation, I am exteremely focused on words, since word choice is the closest to non-verbal understanding that helps me in communication).

I've been dumbing down my "mask" character, who I am outside my home for years, learning throughout grade to high school that people don't like it when you know more than them, they don't like it when you remember something they said months ago, and they don't like the fact that someone can learn an immense amount about them from incidental observation (what can be seen without going out of the way to see it). I still try to act surprised and dumb when someone proudly tells me about something they learned.

So I guess I don't know if it's been good or bad discovering AS. I just started looking through a counseling center for a Dx, but after the intake, I get the impression that they will just want to try to talk through things, even though I made it clear that I wanted to be evaluated for AS, and if they needed to refer me outside, then that would be fine. The intake person had to ask her boss what AS was, and told me about how it was an ASD, which meant it was related to autism. I acted like this was new information, but it seems it would be the same as going to the doctor, complaining of not being able to keep food down, and the doctor consulting with a senior, concluding that I may have the flu. I might go to a GP, since it seems they're comfortable with not knowing everything, but knowing who would know.

[quote="ZanneMarie"][/quote]

My god -- it's like looking into a mirror.

Your life seems to be a spitting image of mine.

My mother - yeah, to me a fruit cake, I never talked to her, to most I ever did while she walked me to kindy was incessantly ask questions about the environment - otherwise I don't ever remmeber talking to her. Now that I am an Adult, I have to concentrate on keeping converation with her just so that she don't end up having a nervous breakdown (I think she feels like I hate her - I mean I doo , but I don't)

My father : - I was the first son , we talked about everything (although with me asking all the questions, I'm sure he rolled his eyes without me knowing)

My brother : - an insignifance in my family (thaknfully mum had some-one to talk too), by my minds eye. I treated him really really badly.


....I think we can count ourselves lucky, spanking and a real authority figure(s) (includes teachers) turned us into 'nerds' instead of being afflicted with what seems to be a serious syndrome, especially today..... ADD don't exist in a death camp!, and when an individual graduates the death camp they won't have ADD.


What was your teenage life like? - did you find your niche friends, and learn the typical mischieves of teenage life, to be able to take the exepriences with you into adulthood?

Spot on, in my experience.

For me, getting to the GP in the first place was the hard part!

My GP happily admitted that he hadn't got a clue (if I was really "depressed" or something else). He was only too willing to pass me on to someone(s) who did. I've since had occasion to get back to him a few times, now that I know who I am. I'm educating him, at least a tiny bit.

I thought it was a relief at first to realise why life has been so hard for so many years, why social stuff took so much effort and left me feeling exhausted, and why I was the only woman I knew with an interest in numbers, cars, computers etc and no interest whatsoever in soap operas on the tele or women's magazines (ever read a woman's magazine? What are they for???!). But now I'm not so sure I'm coping that well with it. I seem to be less willing to try to fit in, more annoyed at NTs and their assumptions, more willing to give up on friendships which are such hard work.

Assumption example: Like the people on my uni course I'm taking, who advised me to "think more like the tutor" when writing the essays. How exactly do I do that?? What does the tutor think like? They can guess this stuff?! I asked why we have to write in a prose style rather than factual and point-by-point, which I prefer, and was told "you just have to". Unfair for people whose minds don't work that way, I think. You only get top marks if you can think and write like an NT person, even if you know the same stuff?

I was onced asked if I 'wear a mask' when I was eaves dropping on what seemed to be an intersting conversation about ten years ago.... I said of course.

I always use the 'I just a dumby' Keanue Reeves technique. When it's obvious that Keannue Reeves is intelligent - whatwas the name of that movie time cadets or whatever?

Don't ya just love the fact that you can read people like a book? - how are your body langauge skills? - have you ever communicated subliminally via body langauge? AKA Love Talk.


Hmm, it's only been 3 days and I am already giving up on a lot of things - I'm not even going fishing next weekend! - because I normally feel forced into going camping with freinds, and I usually hate being there... now I have an excuse for why I hate it., so why try to be normal.

Thinking like the tutor - well I failed many an english calss, and almost failed maths in year 11 (even though I was better than the teacher) , english the problem was that well it's AS english vs. NT english .. maths > I think ASpies have a lazy way of doing maths - if the content is boring , why bother explaingin rudimentary solutions in long hand just because you can't do it in your head (by the time I was in uni this wasn't a problem, actually it was more a problem to me cuase alot of the time I couldn't read my own work).


Crowds - I don't get it, some crowds I love others I hate, I havent figured it out yet... I think crowds that are relatively still and are all gazing on an event eg. Fireworks,,, are great. But a moving train, even NT's have problems with that. ,then ther is the Social crowd, where you are expected to interact - that I can't stand. But occaisionally amongst the right group of people and a nice night and the group is small and not compacted into a room .eg on a beach - then it's great.

Light is my biggest problem. I remember being terrorized by my parents when they would come into my room and flip on the over head light. I detested it, it made me physically ill and they always thought I was trying to avoid what ever they came in to my room for when I would dry heave in the torturous unblinking light from a 100 watt bulb. Of course, my parents didn't see it as terrorization, they never paid any attention to it. It wasn't bright to them.
I would also hide from the electrical outlets. I can feel the electricity glittery sparkling all over me and it came from the socket. Once my mom pushed my bed into a new place in my room, right next to the socket. I would pile up every blanket over me and huddle away into the furtherest corner of my youth bed all night until, months later, mom hauled out the bed from the wall and I was able to sleep again. When I grew up, it didn't have the same effect on me, and I did a little research. I stopped feeling the electricity from the sockets about the time they changed the standard to the one side of the plug larger than the other side, although I don't know what that did to stop the feeling. Any ideas?


Something that happens to me that I haven't heard from others, though. Its my 'radar.' I can latch on to something happening in other people. Say they are angry, I can feel the surge of adrinaline in them. I think this feeling is a lot of why I was so combative in my youth, I must have thought it was MINE and I was upset, when I was feeling the fear or upset of the other person.
Or, another way I feel it is like just the other day I had a stabbing pain behind my left eye and thought my head was going to explode. I looked up and gave my head a little shake and it just dissapated. Then the lady a couple of desks over got up and went to the supervisor, her left eye drooping, getting excused to go to the doctors because she had one of her migranes and needed an injection. It went away in my head because it wasn't MY pain. Since I diagnosed myself as AS I can diferenciate these feelings from my own and actually find where the feeling is originating.
When I was young, I thought it was ME that was feeling all these things, but there was this disconnect between what I felt in other people and what I feel in me. ( I also think there is some sort of barrier that keeps NTs from feeling what _I_ feel.)

As for 'coming out' when I learned I was AS, I let anyone and everyone that cared to listen just what I was going through. I get a lot of credibility at work, cause THEY know how hard their jobs are intellectually, and here I am, a veritible 'ret*d' doing just what they do. This is why, I believe it is good to let people know about Autism and AS, so they see you not hiding behind any 'handicapped' moniker and getting on with pulling your weight and doing your bit because you are breathing the common oxygen and taking up real estate on the earth.

Anyhow, I often pick up stakes and move across the country to start again somewhere else, I have done it for 40 years now, and will probably do it again. I can pick and chose whether I will expose the reason for my delicious uniqueness in another situation.

Merle

Insulation/earthing/AC.
I can sense by touch (the back of my hand is best) AC electricity. These days, most equipment is that much safer that there isn't enough leakage for me to tell anymore.
I've just tried it with a table lamp. It has the simplest transformer, down to 12v rectified I guess, straight up two bare bits of metal (telescopic) to the bulb. Nothing. I really need the full mains!


No radar here, and I find it hard to believe. I'm too much of a scientist. I need to be given some hint as to the means of communication. Coincidences happen. I get worried if they don't.

When you want to make a silly comment, you go the whole way! Oh! No. I see, you mistyped "genius" as "ret*d"! Sorry, I can see how easy it is to do that.

I wish I could figure out how to do that. Mind you, "often" is the word you've used. I've done it "occasionally", I suppose. I can't say I like it.

I only realised recently that AS is a probability for me...well, actually, last December, I believe, and this was because I was reading a book called 'Loving Mr Spock' and ended up laughing throughout because so much fit myself. In the end, I read more and realised that it all fit, and then I researched bpd also to see if there are instances of AS being misdiagnosed as bpd, which there are...seems to be common particularly among female aspies. Anyway, I have become almost hyper aware now of my behaviour and of things that fit the AS criteria. Oddly, certain AS behaviours also seem to have increased since I read up on it, which results me in analysing why this is and if I am simply forcing them or something...either that, or now I realise the issue, I am slipping out of all the training I have been given to behave 'normally' and am becoming more of my natural self. I find myself hand flapping and arm flapping a lot more when stressed, although my life is stressful right now anyway. I notice my feelings when observing others...and I am spending a lot more time just watching other people and trying to figure them out and trying to figure out how different I am. But it is amazing the way all the pieces seem to come together, like with a jigsaw. All the problems I had now make sense. I would not say it has left me feeling immensely better, but it has helped some, that is for sure.

Yes, 9mm is large and it always freaks people out. IN light, they do get smaller; however, not as small as necessary. I always have halo's...I thought everyone did. I always wore glasses; until recently. I had eye surgury to correct my vision; the doctor almost coudln't perform it becuase the machine couldn't be adjusted for larger than 9mm.

My husband and daughter have normal pupils; so I know mine don't go as small as necessary because their's will become pinpoints in sun. Mine don't???? We all laughed at your eye color comment; I do have some and it's hazel with brown; but, mostly people see my pupils. Want to know something freaky? I just watched Jeffry Dahmer being interviewed in 1993...and he had freakishly large pupils also....yick!! !! !! !! !!11

I used to tell people what I know; now I don't. That I can read people by their body language throws them off. I am very smart and intuitive and people don't like that. Oh well....I don't tell people what I know; I play dumb. Life sucks sometimes. I wish I was normal and could converse normally.

AC current and feeling it : it's explinable by normal physics , it's actually taught to electricians now adays. - I forget what its called but there is an aura that electriciy makes at juctions and end pionts. The aura also gets alot bigger when there is an arc. -AC produces Magnetic Field, High currents also produce heat ,and even kinetic movement in the meterial they traverse.

-The trick would be is if your Hyper sensitive to it ... eg. even an NT can 'feel' the electriciy inside a generator room. , but Aspies have been noted to feel household powerpionts an entire room away (could be explainable as: maybe when they were infants on their bum straddling around the floor they approached a powerpiont and actually PHYSICALLY FELT the eleictrical Aura and got scared, as they grew up the feeling becomes an ingraned association to the sight of a powerpiont)
-The fact the the powerpoint got replace:
a. a better conncetion will limit kinetic/heat/magnetic aura
b. the mental association is weakened/lost with the change

What you describe here, um, well, these are psychic senses you are describing...a psychic form of empathy. That is the only way I can word it, although I realise there will be many here who, being scientifically minded, will not believe in such things. In truth, I had to work on rationalising it myself to understand... it is quite a paradox in those with AS to be able to get other peoples' emotions, but only be 'sensing' as opposed to understanding. Basically, an emotion does give off energy...we all have auras... or fields of energy surrounding us (this has been proved scientifically actually) and these energy fields contain the energy of our emotions and extend up to 12 feet from our bodies...so well, I think you can put together how you might sense anothers emotions this way, or indeed, illness.

I get this too. You will be around someone and feel this appalling sense of their anger, but it wont be because they look angry...it is a feeling, and at times, it leaves you feeling angry. If someone is upset, but not showing it, and you suddenly start to feel really sad for no apparent reason, you can end up thinking, what the hell is going on? Why am I feeling so bad for no reason? I came to realise that it is like being a sponge if you are not careful. You absorb everyone elses' emotions, and with negative ones, that is particularly destructive. I used my abilities to help people in the past, and I have to confess, I did work on a spiritual site for a time, and engaged in psychic things. For the most part, I do not trust 'psychics' as far as I can throw them, lol, but I have had enough experiences to realise that we are far more than we think we are and that there is far more out there than science can understand at this time.

I suggest you look up empathy, in the psychic sense...or just type 'empaths' into google and see what you find. There are many people who have the same experiences. Alternatively, if you are open to learn more, feel free to message me as the spiritual/psychic areas were an obsession of mine for 5 years and I still have an interest.

OK. Any votes for the "School for Training Aspies to Relate Without Automated Ridiculous Masks".
(That's "StarWarm")

You are kidding...I've done the exact same thing all my life! I've always picked up on other's physical pain, anxiety, etc, but I would know that it was theirs - I also get really affected by the energy other people radiate, so I have to be mindful of whom is around me a lot . Sometimes I know what's causing the feeling as well; whether it is purely a physical thing, or just a symptom caused by something else. There have been instances where I've later found out that what I thought was in fact correct, e.g. one guy I passed in a doctor's office felt very anxious, almost panicky to me. The first thought the came to me was that he was freaking out over an income tax situation. A few minutes later that's exactly what he said in a conversation...

Another time I called my then boyfriend's Mom because I got a strong impression that something was wrong. As I called I noted the time; she said everything was okay. A couple days later she called me, buggin' out. Apparently my boyfriend had called right after I did and asked her what was wrong as well; two days after our call, at around the time we'd called, her father fell and split his head open...

I love your attitude (your last comment)! Graet way to look at things...

I've only in the past 3 or so months found out what Asperger's was and I strongly suspect that I have it. I've always been different, but was just pegged as the very shy, creative type from childhood. I've always known there was an explanation and that I wasn't crazy - at least, I'd hoped there was! I'm still trying to get an official dx - my psychologist just confessed that she hasn't much experience in the area , so that ticked me off; she could've told me that sooner!! !! I'm relieved in that what I'm discovering so far helps me to understand myself better and be aware and accepting of certain behaviors, but I'm also WAY stressed out wondering what I have to do in order to get the official word, cuz I feel like I'm treading water with this woman, and it's tiring me out. I'll probably have to ask if there's someone else in the facility who's more knowledgable... I don't think I'll be so anxious once I know 'for sure'...

Hmm, interesting. I have noticed on other boards, aspies who have had similar experiences with the sensing emotions and precognitive experiences, but they outright refused to think about it too deeply, and one can understand why. I do not know about others, but I, for one, tend to think highly logically. I tried for years to get some sort of balance and allow myself to believe in something other than logic(ie-6th sense etc) but I failed. I had many very unexplainable experiences, but logic would not allow me to accept these...hence, I quit on it altogether and now ignore these experiences altogether. They led to too many questions I could not answer and to many things I could not have solid facts for. Be interesting, but maybe too heated and controversial, to have a thread on unusual/psychic experiences among aspies.

I've always accepted it as part of who I was, since it's something that's always been there - as well as always, and I mean constantly, all my life - experiencing instances of deja vu.

I just assumed, much with the AS issues, that it was normal when I was a child. I chose to totally ignore it and block it out as a teen. And when I finally did start exploring these 'abilities', I found it was, in the end, more trouble than it was worth, as unlike most NTs, I simply could not accept it without needing all of the answers now, and a total understanding...which in truth, we cannot really get until we die. Without having some solid answers, I couldn't carry on exploring these areas. It just became far too frustrating for me.