Learning forgiveness

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I agree. Forgiveness is one thing, personal security is another thing entirely. Like somebody once said, "we forgive, but we won't forget." Not sure I'd absolutely never trust a person ever again though. If the offense wasn't a real corker, and there was good evidence that they'd learned their lesson, I might give them another chance. I'm not quite comfy with pinning one bad deed on a person for the rest of their life, but a lot depends.....

The offense I was referring to, which has happened time and again, is when people show how much they don't care about me as a person. Where they backstab me, or defame my character while claiming to be a friend and refusing to let me defend my honor.

I don't know how I would react if one of them would come up to me and apologize. It's never happened.

I hate backstabbing. I'd have a big problem forgiving it. Sad to say, it's apparently socially acceptable in many quarters. I find it very difficult to respect anybody who indulges in it. I once lived among some people I got on very well with, and one of the things I really admire about them is that they were strongly against the hypocrisy of criticising people behind their backs while being nice to their faces. Backstabbing was rife in my old workplace, which probably explains why I had such a low opinion of most of the people there. It's so simple - if you have a problem with somebody, talk to THEM about it. But I suppose that would take courage.

NT. I've had a lot of friend problems lately. I cut off a 20+ yr friendship with 7 friends after one said some outlandish things to me when she was drunk. She apologized, but I knew she was just doing it to try to keep the group together. The other 6 wanted the group together, as well, but I could not carry on as if nothing happened. I had to cut off the whole group. I tend to forget what people have done to me over time, so I started a journal that day and wrote down everything that happened. I don't plan to be made a fool like that again. No regrets because if I tried to get back with anyone in the group, they would just try to suck me in with them again. You have to learn when to cut your losses.

Another friend just did something to me that I have been crying over for the past two days. I have been a good friend to her and her husband for 10 yrs and found out something that her husband said about me which was very hurtful. She shouldn't have told me what he said because now I will never forget it and I don't know how to act towards him and he doesn't know that she told me. I'm friends with her more than her husband, so I'm choosing to try to forget what was said otherwise, if I say what I am actually thinking and show my anger, then I may lose another friendship. I'm down to 3 friends now + my Mama (my best friend). For me, it's hard to make real, true friends so I'm trying to hang on to what I've got.

I was in what was supposed to be a sort of support group on facebook, and I noticed after a while a similar ideal within the group. They didn't actually care about me, they just wanted the group to stay together, because if it didn't, that meant there was a problem and they didn't want the idea that there was a problem. I left after they started ganging up on people who thought differently than them, and they eventually followed those other people, and me, to our own walls to gang up on us there. After spending a year slowly allowing myself to trust that these people were good and did care, they turned on me. I only have myself to blame, really. I will not let it happen again.

Exactly, about there being a problem with the group if it didn't stay together. I was one of the main ones of the group, too, so if they got together without me then they would be forced every time knowing what one of them did to upset the normalcy of the group. I would have carried on a friendship with one of them that I had done several things with (just the two of us), but I know she would have tried to get me back with the others. She had sent me a huge bouquet of flowers and kept calling me several times and even sent cards in the mail. Thing is she invited me to a "get together" at her place and made sure to say that the one person I was on the "outs" with was also going to be there. That was all I needed to hear to make my decision to cut all of them off. It was interesting because she called me several days later leaving a message that the "get together" wasn't going to take place after all. I wouldn't be surprised if the group isn't together anymore. I also know that what a person says when they are drunk is their true feelings and thoughts. I'm glad I'm away from them. Their loss I figure.

Clarence Darrow took the words right outta my mouth-
"I never wanted to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary notices I have read with pleasure."

When I was younger and had 'friends', something I do not bother with now that I have run the guantlet of education and no longer need them to appear 'normal', I found it impossible to forgive behaviour I felt was a betrayal or lack of loyalty. I would cut people off dead. Never speak to them again. My mother couldn't understand. The people around me, my peers, didn't understand. I couldn't care less. I have no time for people who make me feel bad or whom I cannot trust.

These days I have few people I interact with so it is more difficult. I cannot openly hold grudges against my family because I believe it is important for my children to have people outside of myself and husband. I do not forgive and forget when something happens, I have learned to stuff it down and carry the bitterness with me instead. It's not much of a way to live but it's the only way I know to deal with the situation.

This is BLACK and WHITE thinking!
You've hurt yourself more, lost friends and potential alies
and alienated yourself

I have never been able to forgive others
I am haunted by my childhood memories
I relive them constantly
But I am an old man and your a young kid!

There's no reason you why you can't fill your life with precious memories!



I did exactly the same thing!
There was this one friend in my life.
I can't even remember what he did,
but I shut him out

looking back
no friends since him

no lovers

no girlfriends

never married

no kids

no grandkids

a lonely old man waiting to die

Don't give up yet - you're not even a half a century years old. Stay positive! I haven't given up yet. I still hope to find that one Hunny that was meant especially for me. I've never even been in love. It's probably a good thing that I don't want any kids, but if I did, then I could sulk about that. There still is a little part of me that wanted a mini-Me, but I guess my mini-Me will have to be Waldo (my cat).

I find forgiveness to be really to easy for me. Too easy...Don't be like me be a bit stubborn but forgiving at the same time. Hope things go well.

How did your friend hurt you emotionally? Did your friend apologize and show remorse? Did you tell her exactly what she said or did that bothered you? Just because someone 'acts' nice does not mean they are nice so don't feel pressured to put up with someone because they are nice to you after they harm you. It depends on the situation. You can only let go truly and be able to trust the person again if they acknowledge what they did and work at being better, which you will see in their behaviour; words can be very cheap; look at actions.

there is some cold comfort from the fact that WP has thousands of similar people in similar conditions, IOW we are not alone in our aloneness.