I'm not completely nonverbal, but I do have selective mutism and go nonverbal when I am experiencing strong emotion, sensory overload, or lots of stress. For me, the two feel different, which is why I've classified them differently.
For my selective mutism, I have the words, but no matter how hard I try I can't force my vocal cords into action, or sometimes I can manage something but can't speak loudly or clearly enough to be understood. It feels more like a physical limitation, and I can use the text-to-speech app on my phone to communicate in these situations.
When I go nonverbal, it feels more like a mental limitation. I can't come up with the words to use in the first place, there's just too much going on in my brain for me to be able to make sense of it all. Because I don't have words to use, I have to rely on things like gestures. My parents are the only ones who understand the ways I try to communicate when I am nonverbal, and they are usually the only ones I will try to communicate with in this state.
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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"
07 Jan 2020, 7:36 pm
