Board index › General Discussion › General Autism Discussion

Saying please and thank you

Page 2 of 3 [ 33 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

Demonic_Duck
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 26 Oct 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 151
Location: Herts, England

10 May 2007, 3:49 pm

I am most of the time very polite although occasionally people snap at me saying "a thank you would be nice" or something when I forget to say it or don't think it's necessary. (Ironically of course it's mostly rude people who say this in the first place.)

The place I have most problem with is in shops. I never know when to say "thanks"... when handing over money? When recieving your purchases back in bags? When being given change?



Fraya
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Aug 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,337

10 May 2007, 4:08 pm

Demonic_Duck wrote:
The place I have most problem with is in shops. I never know when to say "thanks"... when handing over money? When recieving your purchases back in bags? When being given change?


No yes and yes.

Typically you only say thanks when receiving a tangible object or service/favor.



agentcyclosarin
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 746
Location: Above

10 May 2007, 6:43 pm

I'm the polar opposite.
I have a lot of trouble saying these simple things like please, thank you, you're welcome, sorry, ect. I never grasped the need for them. I also never know how to react to them either I don't do things I don't damn well want to and I don't do pointless things unless for a reason, even if the reason is the rare 'because I felt like it' it was a reason.

Everything has a reason so if I did something "nice" there was a reason behind it and therefore why thank me? I never need compliments either and rarely give them. I've never seen the need for "sorry" either, if you're sorry for something you did you did that something wrong or that something was wrong therefor saying "sorry" is not going to do anything productive but irritate me however coming to me and telling me what you did wrong or giving me reason for what you did or if you flat our ARE wrong just saying, "hey, that was wrong of me." is much more productive. Thank you I've also never really seen a need for it; you come to me for something, I give it to you or work with it. I come to you for something, you give it to me or work with it. End.

Most of these little social cues are used in automatic context to unknowns, sometimes I forget to do this though too.


_________________
Just give him a kiss on the cheek.


Valhalla
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 7 May 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 137
Location: N.Ireland

10 May 2007, 7:35 pm

I have a horrible time trying to say thank you, please, sorry etc I don't know why, I feel degraded somehow, which I know isn't true. I just can't do it.



methinks
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 6 Apr 2007
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Posts: 329

10 May 2007, 7:40 pm

agentcyclosarin wrote:
I'm the polar opposite.
I have a lot of trouble saying these simple things like please, thank you, you're welcome, sorry, ect. I never grasped the need for them. I also never know how to react to them either I don't do things I don't damn well want to and I don't do pointless things unless for a reason, even if the reason is the rare 'because I felt like it' it was a reason.

Everything has a reason so if I did something "nice" there was a reason behind it and therefore why thank me? I never need compliments either and rarely give them. I've never seen the need for "sorry" either, if you're sorry for something you did you did that something wrong or that something was wrong therefor saying "sorry" is not going to do anything productive but irritate me however coming to me and telling me what you did wrong or giving me reason for what you did or if you flat our ARE wrong just saying, "hey, that was wrong of me." is much more productive. Thank you I've also never really seen a need for it; you come to me for something, I give it to you or work with it. I come to you for something, you give it to me or work with it. End.

Most of these little social cues are used in automatic context to unknowns, sometimes I forget to do this though too.


I think it's that most people are very conscious of boundaries between themselves and others,and manners are a way of continually acknowledging other peoples' boundaries,in pleasant human language.Like surrogate feelers or antennae,they reinforce for the recipient that the external world is "safe".I acknowledge that they are often superfluous,maybe even reinforce social doubt(by requiring others to validate the nature of an interaction),but they are simply a part of many culturals and neglecting those traditions makes daily life more difficult for me.On the other hand,I don't understand when people continually stop and talk to everyone they see,like dogs sniffing tails.Behavior,even if we don't understand it,can be interesting.



methinks
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 6 Apr 2007
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Posts: 329

10 May 2007, 7:42 pm

Valhalla wrote:
I have a horrible time trying to say thank you, please, sorry etc I don't know why, I feel degraded somehow, which I know isn't true. I just can't do it.


That's interesting,that you are conscious of it but choose not to act.



Valhalla
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 7 May 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 137
Location: N.Ireland

10 May 2007, 7:46 pm

I can say thanks but not thank you. Sorry and please I can't say but like others feel guilt because I don't when I should.



zombie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Dec 2006
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 610
Location: Mannum South Australia

10 May 2007, 7:51 pm

natty wrote:
Hello

I don't know if this is a aspie thing or not, it could be just me .

When I was a small child I was always really polite , I always said please and thank you and I always asked with a please before I did anything or took anything , touched anything etc

Sometimes i would get stuck in a cycle for example at the dinner table
Please can you pass me the salt
( person passes salt)
thank you
next person asks for salt
I pass it and then say thank you to them for taking it . As i got older I became accutely aware that other people thought it was strange, nobody spoke to me like that and I didn't really see other people speak to each other like it .
Eventually I got sick of saying Please because often i'd get snapped at and told yes go and get it in an annoyed tone ( even though i hadn't asked the person to get it for me ). I quit saying thank you because people looked at me funny and nobody ever said thank you to me. It got to the point where I would just take what I wanted without asking , because I knew the answer would be yes in a snappy annoyed tone and it upset me to hear it , obviously sometimes I would get told off for doing something or taking something without asking and this caused me a lot of confusion , why is it sometimes neccersary to ask and say thank you and yet other times it is not accepted.
As an adult I have a really hard time saying either please or thank you , I say it in my head but it just won't come out of my mouth a lot of the time , I hear my head say it and I feel horrible pangs of guilt for not saying it out loud but often I just can't do it.
Saying please feels like begging and grovelling and if I said please and the answer was an annoyed no or a snappy yes I get angry , after all I said please the answer aught to be yes or how else do I get to say thank you.
If I ask without saying please I expect the answer to be no and it doesn't hurt so bad when it is , i've come to expect no in most situations as opposed to the yes when i was a very small child . I rarely ask for anything and never unless its vital , consequently I never have salt or pepper or any kind of sauce on my food and I dont take sugar in my tea .
Does anyone think this is anything to do with being an aspie or is it just a personal quirk.
bb natty


I used to be exactly the same and to certain extent i am still now.


_________________
http://www.fvza.org/
Giving out free hugs for the past 75 years
http://www.myspace.com/thezombieman1
Donate to the Help make a Film Foundation
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr


9CatMom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,403

10 May 2007, 8:33 pm

I feel I was lucky to have been raised by parents who taught that manners were important. I routinely say "please" and "thank you." I have noticed that the phrase "not a problem" has supplanted "you're welcome," as a response to "thank you." I really hate that. I also hate the sarcastic use of "thank you" when used to denote, "Finally! I thought you'd never do it!"



nobodyzdream
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Apr 2007
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,267
Location: St. Charles, MO-USA

10 May 2007, 8:44 pm

My mom taught me manners, but I generally only use them with strangers-isn't that odd? lol. With people I'm comfortable around I don't say things nearly as much, but I do say sorry and thanks a lot. I rarely even say "hi" when people I know come over, or "how are you?" and don't realize it until after they say it first or ask if I'm going to.



agentcyclosarin
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 746
Location: Above

11 May 2007, 12:34 am

methinks wrote:
I think it's that most people are very conscious of boundaries between themselves and others,and manners are a way of continually acknowledging other peoples' boundaries,in pleasant human language.Like surrogate feelers or antennae,they reinforce for the recipient that the external world is "safe".I acknowledge that they are often superfluous,maybe even reinforce social doubt(by requiring others to validate the nature of an interaction),but they are simply a part of many culturals and neglecting those traditions makes daily life more difficult for me.On the other hand,I don't understand when people continually stop and talk to everyone they see,like dogs sniffing tails.Behavior,even if we don't understand it,can be interesting.


Yes.. I guess so. I'm guarded and thus I normally keep quite distant but I'm self assured 90% of the time and don't need "validity" for my actions because when I make an action its a result of applying my analysis - I've thought it out thoroughly or enough to pursue. Perhaps also that I don't come from a very good background, they say in the first years of life from 0 - 2 years you learn two main fundamentals, is the world safe, can I trust? No and no.

It makes things difficult for me too, I've never been all too traditional. its not always a conscious neglect though, usually it is just natural for them to go completely by me and when I am positioned to confront them I'm left unable to understand or react. Its so tedious, someone says goodbye as they are leaving. Obviously they are leaving, I'm not stupid I'm observant I like to think and can see that they are leaving or hear that they are leaving. They expect me to say goodbye? I don't see why, they're free to do what they want I'm not binding them here. When I leave the house I don't need to say good-bye, I'm obviously leaving. I've gotten better with this and sometimes pick up on them but it is still something I lack so much.

nobodyzdream wrote:
but I generally only use them with strangers-isn't that odd? lol. With people I'm comfortable around I don't say things nearly as much


Its not that odd to me, I do this too. I've been told I leave people lost to "where they stand" with me but I assure them when needed that if they are around still they are obviously useful and I like them / desire them for something or another. Thus, if you have gotten my acceptance even in the slightest of ways why must I reassure you of it? If I have a problem, I will tell you. If I have not knocked you to the curb, I obviously enjoy you or am currently weighing my analysis. Point is, when I do things for those close to me there is no need to say thank you and apologies drive me crazy unless I'm asking for one.

My tolerance for small talk and understanding of it is severly low, I assume this is where the problem is rooted.


_________________
Just give him a kiss on the cheek.


agentcyclosarin
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 746
Location: Above

11 May 2007, 12:37 am

methinks wrote:
I think it's that most people are very conscious of boundaries between themselves and others,and manners are a way of continually acknowledging other peoples' boundaries,in pleasant human language.Like surrogate feelers or antennae,they reinforce for the recipient that the external world is "safe".I acknowledge that they are often superfluous,maybe even reinforce social doubt(by requiring others to validate the nature of an interaction),but they are simply a part of many culturals and neglecting those traditions makes daily life more difficult for me.On the other hand,I don't understand when people continually stop and talk to everyone they see,like dogs sniffing tails.Behavior,even if we don't understand it,can be interesting.


Yes.. I guess so. I'm guarded and thus I normally keep quite distant but I'm self assured 90% of the time and don't need "validity" for my actions because when I make an action its a result of applying my analysis - I've thought it out thoroughly or enough to pursue. Perhaps also that I don't come from a very good background, they say in the first years of life from 0 - 2 years you learn two main fundamentals, is the world safe, can I trust? No and no.

It makes things difficult for me too, I've never been all too traditional. its not always a conscious neglect though, usually it is just natural for them to go completely by me and when I am positioned to confront them I'm left unable to understand or react. Its so tedious, someone says goodbye as they are leaving. Obviously they are leaving, I'm not stupid I'm observant I like to think and can see that they are leaving or hear that they are leaving. They expect me to say goodbye? I don't see why, they're free to do what they want I'm not binding them here. When I leave the house I don't need to say good-bye, I'm obviously leaving. I've gotten better with this and sometimes pick up on them but it is still something I lack so much.

nobodyzdream wrote:
but I generally only use them with strangers-isn't that odd? lol. With people I'm comfortable around I don't say things nearly as much


Its not that odd to me, I do this too. I've been told I leave people lost to "where they stand" with me but I assure them when needed that if they are around still they are obviously useful and I like them / desire them for something or another. Thus, if you have gotten my acceptance even in the slightest of ways why must I reassure you of it? If I have a problem, I will tell you. If I have not knocked you to the curb, I obviously enjoy you or am currently weighing my analysis. Point is, when I do things for those close to me there is no need to say thank you and apologies drive me crazy unless I'm asking for one.

My tolerance for small talk and understanding of it is severly low, I assume this is where the problem is rooted.


_________________
Just give him a kiss on the cheek.


nobodyzdream
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Apr 2007
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,267
Location: St. Charles, MO-USA

11 May 2007, 8:49 am

agentcyclosarin wrote:
Its not that odd to me, I do this too. I've been told I leave people lost to "where they stand" with me but I assure them when needed that if they are around still they are obviously useful and I like them / desire them for something or another. Thus, if you have gotten my acceptance even in the slightest of ways why must I reassure you of it? If I have a problem, I will tell you. If I have not knocked you to the curb, I obviously enjoy you or am currently weighing my analysis. Point is, when I do things for those close to me there is no need to say thank you and apologies drive me crazy unless I'm asking for one.

My tolerance for small talk and understanding of it is severly low, I assume this is where the problem is rooted.


EXACTLY! I always keep going back to situations with my bf, but he's the ONLY one I really talk to, lol, so it's the only examples, etc. I really have.

He's constantly asking if I love him, if I'm mad at him, etc. simply because I don't ask how things are going or say it specifically. I'm always thinking "if I didn't, you would know because I wouldn't still be here and I would tell you flat out if there was something going on." I've told him this before but I'm pretty sure he finds it rude :( I don't know how else to explain it to him though. He says when I tell him things like that that it's because I'm angry, then he gets defensive and it just gets confusing because I don't know what else I'm supposed to tell him that makes sense, or why I should "sugarcoat" it to make it sound better because I have no clue what answer he's wanting from me. I mean, yes, a simple "well of course I still love you!! !! !! !!" would be simple enough, but if I don't feel a need to confirm it all the time, how am I supposed to sugarcoat it and sound genuine, lol. He sometimes asks me if I'm mad at him, or just keeps asking me over and over so many times I'll finally just say "well, I'm not mad at you right now, but if you keep asking me, you're going to push me over that line very quickly and I'm sure I will be soon". lol.

People I don't know, I guess it's more of a normal thing to say "please" and "thank you" because it is polite, and it's easier to remember these things when I'm not around the person constantly. It's more automatic with them.



boots1123
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 13 Apr 2007
Age: 69
Gender: Female
Posts: 121
Location: wild west

12 May 2007, 10:59 am

I have practiced saying, "please, thank you," and "excuse me." I say it all the time. Even to animals I work on. Sometimes I use the wrong one, so, I'm not really thinking about it.



Serendipper
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 10 Nov 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 94

12 May 2007, 11:25 am

I am learning to say "please, thankyou, hello and goodbye" in every major language.

It's important to me that people are kind and courteous. Society would be much more pleasant if it were quiet and orderly IMO.

I do, however often forget myself in a social situation. In those cases I try to contact a person and say "Remember situation X ?....thanks for that".

Of course, that's not the way things work, and most people react indifferently/don't remember/think I'm crazy/think I'm too soft and sensitive for a grown man.


_________________
"These will become the foundation of the new psycological type and with him or her come the new civilization." -Otto Rank


Aysmptotes
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 10 May 2007
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 227

12 May 2007, 2:32 pm

I always say thank you, please and sorry. I didn't really use "you're welcome" maybe because I always thought I was a burden on people I didn't feel like I was contributing anything to be able to say "you're welcome." Sometimes when someone says thank you to me I say thank you back and then realized that wasn't the correct response. So I quickly shuffled away.

But in school it was weird, once I answered an intercom and some teachers heard me and I could hear them laughing at me from the next room because they said I was so polite. And then past teachers thought my parents were beating me because I was "unusually behaved." Hearing that over and over started to piss me off actually.