How do I know if I'm suicidal?

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This sounds to me like an OCD symptom. It's called harm OCD. Essentially it's intrusive thoughts of doing harm to yourself or others. In this case it's yourself.

Intrusive thoughts suck, I've had them. One thing that helps me is to write. When I write in the mornings, just to sort of blab to the page whatever random thoughts I have, I seem to have a little more agency throughout the day.

Do some research about OCD. You probably will read loads of stuff you don't relate to. Look for the stuff, and people, that you do relate to. There is a huge community of people living with these kinds of intrusive thoughts who connect online to share experience, strength and hope. It can be so useful to connect with people who can really relate, I think.

Kind of sounds like intrusive thoughts. intrusive thoughts are common with various mental crap like OCD or thinking disorder, which is sometimes associated with ehem., hem. hem schizophrenia and other psychosis (belive me you most likely don't have that).

But hey. if it's just intrusive thoughts, it means you actually don't want to f***ing commit suicide, which is a good thing. It's also a good idea to find a good doc or something and talk to him. Have fun finding a doc who is not full of s**t though.

You know it if you are actually ready to put an end to yourself. It happens spontaneously.

It doesn't always happen spontaneously, I feel.

It could happen after much planning.

I had planned how I would do. But it wasn't ''suicidal''. Suicidal is when you actually are OK with dying and are willing to do it right away.

Yep....it could happen just the way you said it.

I hope you're not sad today.

No, I'm quite oblivious today. Not worried about anything.

I wish I could be oblivious.....

That was the permanent state I was in until something came over me when I was 5 1/2 years old.

You do it by asking yourself if you wish to die.

I do not wish to die. ElleGaunt's and omid's posts about possible OCD made me think. I hope it's not schizophrenia though... I've read about it but dismissed it because a lot of my symptoms remind too much of prodromal phase of this condition. Except that I nowhere found that this phase could last for ~10 years not developing symptoms of hallucinations and delusions. I'm terribly secretive about my emotional, psychological life - I find just impossible to share my feelings and problems even with my nearest relatives and friends. I thought about going to a psychologist many times but I know that I could not be open - I'd just lie or tell him semi-truths just out of pure secretiveness.

Go and have a read of this article which covers another type of OCD known as Schiz OCD ( It's a type of Pure O , Obsessing about schizophrenia and thinking you might be prodromal ) , it could be an interesting read for you https://robertlindsay.wordpress.com/201 ... schiz-ocd/
I understand how this can make you secretive about your emotions but if you don't share with a psychologist it might not get better on it's own

Thanks for the link. I've just realized I definitely have OCD.

Well that's a good start ( identifying your issues ) , I hope this make you feel a little less anxious about things but knowing OCD probably not. You should go and see a specialist if you are finding it difficult to cope.

Please do not **** your pants
According to all the docs I went to, it's virtually impossible to have schizophrenia and autism at the same time. In the mind of German docs, it's just completely IMPOSSIBLE. Autism is at one end of the spectrum, schizophrenia at the other end, as some researchers put it. Some (idiots) call it the extreme male brain and the extreme female brain continuum. Which is BS but at least they must have observed something.

On the other hand, the doctress who diagnosed me with Asperger's said, some people with Autism have mild psychotic symptoms WITHOUT having actual psychosis or schizophrenia (that totally doesn't mean YOU have any psychotic symptoms, but I definitely have them). She said, some (maybe many) autistic people have these psychotic symptoms and that means absolutely NOTHING. In particular it means that they are NOT going to develope psychosis or schizophrenia EVER. I think tony attwood says the same thing in his book.
I hope I'm not fear mongering again, my intention by posting this is to do the OPPOSITE.
so in short, even if someone with Asperger's have psychotic symptoms, he most probably isn't going to develope the S thing EVER. It may look to many docs like the prodromal phase BS, but it's not. They are stable symptoms, which are NOT going to get worse.
This all applies, of course, to someone with psychotic symptoms. If you just have OCD, disregard the above
ALL IS WELL.

I wrote in my original message that I doubt I have Asperger's. I may feel alienated from society since I can remember myself and feel like I have have a lot of in common with people who have Asperger's but I am not, for example, very sensitive to light which is, as far as I know, one of the core symptoms. I've seen a video where they tried to simulate how it feels to have Asperger's while walking by the street but I found little in common with how I experience the world with my senses. I may be biased and misinformed a bit but I think Asperger's is overdiagnosed in some parts of the world (please correct me if I'm wrong). Nowadays in developed countries where there are a lot of easily available distractions and lots of pressure to conform to such weird things such as being active in social media and having an interest in sports (I know some aspies enjoy these as well but you get the point), it often seems that everyone who is a bit different, e. g., more asocial, lacking in emotional response and expressiveness, having some special interest(s), could easily get labeled by a psychiatrist as having 'Asperger syndrome'.

I'm not that concerned about possible developing schizophrenia anymore because of reasons mentioned in my message you quoted. SaveFerris's posted link to a text about schiz OCD strengthened this belief.

You can be considered suicidal if you intend/desire to commit suicide or you are impulsive enough to act out those thoughts before you realize you don't want to do that. For example: you have a thought of jumping in front of the car so you do, the car luckily passes you by centimeters and only then you realize what you just did. I was doing that during my meltdowns as a kid. It was really dangerous. Fortunately mom was able to restrict my movements.

Simple thinking about suicide isn't dangerous yet, especially when you do it with the right state of mind. I was actually playing like that when I were a teenager. I didn't want to commit suicide and didn't want anyone to get hurt but death and afterlife (in theory, I couldn't stand bloody details) was my special interest so I was constantly imagining and reading about random deadly accidents, suicidals, murders etc. It was... fun. WTC programs in TV made me especially excited.