Trust - is there anyone else out there like me?

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SadPhD
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13 Dec 2018, 5:30 pm

Fnord wrote:

Then the only solution is for you to pretend to trust her. Yes, I'm telling you to lie, because if you can't let go of your convictions, then the only thing left is to lie about them.

No, it isn't. There has to be another way that doesn't involve lying to her. Besides, she'd know I was lying. I suck at it.

And I still don't see why my convictions, as you call them, are at all unreasonable. Is safety just not important to NTs?

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Fnord
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13 Dec 2018, 5:35 pm

SadPhD wrote:

I don't know what it is. It was a relationship, but because of this issue, suddenly it's not, except it kind of is but not really. She won't talk about it, so I can't get any clarification about that.

It is no longer a relationship -- it's a hostage situation.

SadPhD wrote:

Why does she need to travel to live a full life? Why can't she be happy staying where she is?

Because staying at home with a clingy, demanding partner is no life at all.

SadPhD wrote:

That just makes no sense to me. Do my needs not matter here?

Your 'Needs' are air, food, water, clothing, medical care, and shelter. Anything beyond that is only a selfish 'Want'.

Fnord
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13 Dec 2018, 5:36 pm

SadPhD wrote:

... I still don't see why my convictions, as you call them, are at all unreasonable. Is safety just not important to NTs?

While her Safety is indeed important, your Selfishness is not.

You want to prevent her happiness to guaranty yours. That's selfishness.

SadPhD
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13 Dec 2018, 5:39 pm

Fnord wrote:

SadPhD wrote:

... I still don't see why my convictions, as you call them, are at all unreasonable. Is safety just not important to NTs?

While her Safety is indeed important, your Selfishness is not.

You want to prevent her happiness to guaranty yours. That's selfishness.

No, I want her to learn to be happy without having to do dangerous things.

But you call it what you want. I can see how useful this board isn't.

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Official dx in 2001; re-dx'd in 2018

Fnord
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13 Dec 2018, 5:41 pm

SadPhD wrote:

Fnord wrote:

SadPhD wrote:

... I still don't see why my convictions, as you call them, are at all unreasonable. Is safety just not important to NTs?

While her Safety is indeed important, your Selfishness is not. You want to prevent her happiness to guaranty yours. That's selfishness.

No, I want her to learn to be happy without having to do dangerous things. But you call it what you want. I can see how useful this board isn't.

Well, if you were hoping that we would only agree with you and advise you on how to force your partner to do what you want, then you definitely came to the wrong place.

kraftiekortie
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13 Dec 2018, 5:45 pm

I wouldn't want somebody to stop ME from travelling.

blazingstar
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13 Dec 2018, 6:55 pm

I understand where the OP is coming from because once long ago I got myself into a similar situation. It was terrible. I thought I was going to die from the loss, separation anxiety, whatever. I did a lot of very stupid things during this period.

OP, it has taken me decades to learn, but what all these people are telling you is correct. The posters here ARE trying to help you out of a terrible place. The problem is it requires changes on your part, not on hers.

There are no guarantees of anything in this life. There is no proof of safety. Your anxiety will not protect her, or bring her back safely even from the grocery store. It will most likely kill the relationship.

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SadPhD
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15 Dec 2018, 11:08 pm

blazingstar wrote:

Thank you for not treating me like I'm an idiot.

I am already on medication for anxiety. I do not have any way to cope with what you've said. It is freaking me out in ways that I can't handle.

But at least now I know this isn't an autism problem. It's a me problem.

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kraftiekortie
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15 Dec 2018, 11:19 pm

Why be anxious?

You should both travel together.

I recommend Smithsonian Cruises.

jimmy m
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16 Dec 2018, 12:01 am

SadPhD wrote:

BTDT wrote:

Most people are wired to ignore dangers in their everyday life, as a long as they are familiar with them.
This is why people can live in California despite the obvious fire hazards.

Hm. I live in California. Fires are just things that happen. So are earthquakes. Fires are predictable, and earthquakes happen so fast there's really no way to prepare for them except ignoring them.

Now tornadoes or snowstorms - I don't know how people can live like that, with that much uncertainty. I would go insane.

I don't know how to apply this to the current situation, though.

I lived in California and survived a major earthquake. I live in the Midwest and survived a tornado and also snowstorms that produce white out conditions. No matter where you live, there are hazards. My sister was even inside a house that had a major gas leak and blew up. She survived. I have had so many near encounters with death, it is a wonder that I survived to be 70. These things just happen and you get to tell your grandkids about your adventures in life. My dad was on a ship that was going to attack the mainland in Japan during WWII. He was going to be in the seventh wave of landing craft. They basically figured there would be very few soldiers that would survive those initial landings. But then they dropped the atomic bomb and the war ended. So in a way I view myself as an "atomic bomb baby". Had it not been for the development of the atomic bomb I wouldn't even be here.

There is a saying that goes something like this. When you visit a tombstone it identifies when you were born and when you died. They are two points in time. But what is really, really, really important is what lies between these two points. That represents your life. You can hide like a turtle in a shell or you can see the world and live great adventures.

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SadPhD
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16 Dec 2018, 12:14 am

kraftiekortie wrote:

Why be anxious?

I have an anxiety disorder.

Quote:

You should both travel together.

I recommend Smithsonian Cruises.

No. I will not travel. It's dangerous. I also can't handle new places. They're overwhelming. Sensory overload, unfamiliarity, uncertainty, unpredictability - made worse, I suppose, by my sensory problems and my inability to "read" people at all.

Frankly, I am stunned that anyone who's autistic would want to travel. I can't understand why my friend wants to, and she's NT.

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VIQ/PIQ (updated 2018): 122/110
Official dx in 2001; re-dx'd in 2018

SadPhD
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16 Dec 2018, 12:16 am

jimmy m wrote:

There is a saying that goes something like this. When you visit a tombstone it identifies when you were born and when you died. They are two points in time. But what is really, really, really important is what lies between these two points. That represents your life. You can hide like a turtle in a shell or you can see the world and live great adventures.

If I could stay in my home my entire lifetime, I'd do it. I can't, so I do what I have to do. But travel is not something you have to do, and I cannot understand why anyone would want to "have great adventures" if they could stay safely in their home, where things are familiar and make sense.

_________________
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Aspie-Quiz v.3 score:
Neurodiverse 159/200
Neurotypical 46/200
VIQ/PIQ (updated 2018): 122/110
Official dx in 2001; re-dx'd in 2018

jimmy m
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16 Dec 2018, 12:38 am

SadPhD wrote:

If I could stay in my home my entire lifetime, I'd do it. I can't, so I do what I have to do.

Your feelings are driven by overwhelming stress and anxiety. In some Aspies, the condition can become even more extreme and they cannot even take one step outside the doors of their home. This condition is called agoraphobia. It is a very debilitating condition.

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Joe90
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16 Dec 2018, 5:49 am

The OP can't help suffering from an anxiety disorder. I suffer from an anxiety disorder and it does affect your life. Sounds like the OP is suffering from agoraphobia as well.

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BTDT
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16 Dec 2018, 6:21 am

There are meds that will help with anxiety. But, a bad side effect of them is ED. I don't remember the name, but I know one popular one allows you to temporarily go off it for sex, something you don't want to do with most of them.

Piobaire
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16 Dec 2018, 8:05 am

Fnord wrote:

SadPhD wrote:

It is no longer a relationship -- it's a hostage situation.

SadPhD wrote:

Why does she need to travel to live a full life? Why can't she be happy staying where she is?

Because staying at home with a clingy, demanding partner is no life at all.

SadPhD wrote:

That just makes no sense to me. Do my needs not matter here?

Your 'Needs' are air, food, water, clothing, medical care, and shelter. Anything beyond that is only a selfish 'Want'.

SadPhD wrote:

... I still don't see why my convictions, as you call them, are at all unreasonable. Is safety just not important to NTs?

While her Safety is indeed important, your Selfishness is not.

You want to prevent her happiness to guaranty yours. That's selfishness.

SadPhD wrote:

No, I want her to learn to be happy without having to do dangerous things. But you call it what you want. I can see how useful this board isn't.

Well, if you were hoping that we would only agree with you and advise you on how to force your partner to do what you want, then you definitely came to the wrong place.

This.

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