Mental Health Stigma.

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I know before you mentioned depression. Well. I have had lengthy times of it. But I have not told doctors. Well. I thought a little depression was normal but I read somewhere that if it lasts two weeks it is severe? (They are not serious are they?) What about months? Haha. But I don't usually get severe depression. Is just when one is not feeling happy due to circumstances one has no control over.
What is strange about it is that when I worked on the railways, I casually once mentioned that sometimes I could get depressed and the trains manager said "Thats funny. You are the last person I would call depressed". Well. As part of masking I would be smiling so outwardly I would look happy. A few weeks later I was put on counsilling. Only time I have ever had it. Puzzled me why I was selected as I had not connected the two events!

I am not depressed now. I am nutral. An inbetween state. I only mentioned this because at times depression can be normal due to circumstances one can't control. It does not mean I am going to kill myself. Just means that I am not that happy.

I get ups and downs like everyone else I guess.

Clinical Depression and Major Depressive Disorder aren't the same as feeling "sad". It's a neurological imbalance which affects all areas of a person's motivation and behaviour. There isn't a trigger such as a death or a specific problem. The cause is often unknown, and yes the symptoms can persist for years. I've had clinical depression since at least the mid 1990's. It is genetic and runs in my family. In my most recent assessment I was above the 99th percentile for MDD and rated as "Very Significant Clinical Risk". I don't even feel "depressed" most of the time, or not in the ways people would imagine.

You might want to read about MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) and see if this fits what you've experienced.

The thing is, it is hard to work out if it is depression or not because I have lived through unbelieveable circumstances where I think to myself that if it came out as a film to watch on TV, it would have been dismissed as being all made up by the critics.

But with that... Well. Example. For a decade or so in my teens to my middle 30's I was depressed because I could not find a girlfriend because I was too shy and also I didn't get the hints that girls gave me etc. Now this is natural depression.
Also, not caring if I lived or died but not attempting suicide is also what I call natural depression.
I have learned in life, that life has seasons. One could be in a depression for a while, and then one day some set of circumstances changes and one suddenly picks up and pulls out of it.

Oh. I have had years and years of not caring for myself. Not seeing the point. I don't see myself as important so if someone says to me there is a waiting list (E.g. for being assessed) and no one convinces me or gives me that little push to put myself on the list, I will not go on the list because I will feel that there are plenty of more worthy people who need to be assessed as I am. It is the support of you lot and the various people I meet from the benefits and autism team who I am soo greatful for, that spurrs me on to continue on the list so that I am assessed and can have proof that I am not making things up and I genuinely have faced burnout issues etc...

Uhmm. Well. I do get times when I am in a happy frame of mind where I have a sense of adventure. So... Well. If it wasn't for this I would be depressed all the time. Hahahaha!
But now. I am nutral. (He says with a little smile).

I have happy days too. Of course good things and good moods can still happen. I have extreme alexithymia so I might not recognise my emotions as well as other people, whether good or bad, but I still know when I'm excited about something.

Only a doctor or psychiatrist can accurately diagnose whether or not you are suffering from Depression. There are long tests and questionnaires, and they're much more complex than just self-reporting your emotions. I hope if you do speak to a doctor about your mental health, that you will be screened.

I have never told a doctor. I don't want to end up on medicines. Is hard to differentiate between lifes circumstances that will naturally depress one in the hard times, or if it is different to that. But... Well. I am ok at the moment.

There will be screening for Depression and Anxiety (and other conditions) during your Autism assessment. You won't know which questions are for which condition, but they will certainly be testing you for every type of co-morbid disorder.

If you are tested by a neuropsychologist rather than a neuropsychiatrist, they won't be able to prescribe meds. They can write the diagnosis of Depression in your report but it would be up to you and your GP or psychiatrist to seek medication. I know you don't want meds. I'm just saying you don't have to worry that the Autism doctor will prescribe something.

Thanks. You are very knowledgeable.

Yes. Is good that they assess for a few things at the same time. Is a good plan.

Thanks. My assessment was very recent so I remember all the details. I've also spent a lot of time with psychologists so I have an idea how they play the game. There are many people here much more knowledgeable about medicine than I am, but I'm glad you are exploring all these issues prior to your appointment.

With the lockdown events, I do question if it is likely I will be assessed, so everythings a bit uncertain. It is difficult to make predictions.
I am so used to things not happening or being left out in life etc. Uhmmm.
Mind you. Everyones in the same situation.

Yes.

I was not diagnosed until 2011, at age 54.

First, the autism diagnosis did not exist when I was a child.

Second, my parents strongly believed in Louis B. Mayer’s dictum, “Those who see a psychiatrist ought to have their head examined!”

Third, both parents came from broken and abusive homes. The only reason Mom got pregnant with me out of wedlock was to escape her abusive, mean-spirited, alcoholic father and her judgemental and abusive mother. While I can’t prove it (she died in 2011), she herself was unwanted. While she never was diagnosed, I suspect she was bipolar, given her upbringing.

As for Dad, I could never get a read on him. He would constantly harass me with his “jokes” and put downs, all the time insisting I had no sense of humor and was a ret*d, who would never amount to much (even after get my BA in music history and my MS in Library and Information Science.

Their style of raising children was “Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child.” In addition, the subscribed to the belief that “in order to make a child compliant to your wishes, and compliant to God’s will, you have to break a child Will the same way You break a horse: with cruelty. Granted, it wasn’t as bad as Bing Crosby beating his sons daily (if you believe his son Gary) from his first marriage, But is was enough for me NOT to trust most people (which, to this day, I still have trust issues, in addition to PTSD, which developed not only by my upbringing, but by physical and sexual abuse by three different families in my hometown where I grew up that had all daughters. (One family’s daughters would beat the living sh!t out of me, another family’s daughters would try to put their hands down my pants and attempt to jerk me off, and the third family’s daughters were just mentally and verbally abusive. If I said anything to my parents, not only would the abuse by these girls get worse, my parents would beat my fat ass for allowing it to happen.)

Even to this day, I don’t quite trust mental health workers, ESPECIALLY psychiatrists. The only thing they want to do is push psychotropic drugs down my gullet.

Unfortunately, the few psychologists and therapists I’ve dealt with could never get me in group therapy, and I frankly got tired of being strung along.

And people wonder why I never married? I have a vicious temper myself. I’d be on death row if I left it loose, because I’d actually kill my spouse and children!

This sounds too familiar, though not that I've been in any situation to miss hints anytime recently, after all society universally rejects me. But the whole seeing depression as a perfectly natural thing for the circumstances, has been basically my view too. I really try to avoid admitting that part of it as I'm not interested in improving it, as am I supposed to be pretend things aren't crap when they are? I'd rather end up in a better situation and then see how I actually feel. I have similar feelings about the idea of just fixing things with drugs rather than fixing the problems.

As for stigma of mental health as the original topic, 100%. At school (11-16, primary was fine) I had to develop my ability to mask, be emotionless and never react otherwise risk violence. As obviously defending yourself was always the side more likely to be punished, though not that school ever took either side that seriously. This led to what I'd consider a natural anxiety if thinking in similar lines to a natural depression. College I existed, succeeded and most of the period is a blur as my mind wasn't there. Uni is where i first learned of discrimination, anxiety basically got me kicked out, refused re-entry years later when it was much better and have had a further run in with that place more recently as they lie about 'Disability Confident', HR just ignored me after the initial reply. University of Manchester if want to know where, as they deserve to be shamed at the very least. So when I eventually did do a degree elsewhere, I never admitted anything and kept it to myself, rather like college except it's not a blur. Though I cracked slightly when I had to go through a period of grief, not like anyone actually cared and most knew.

As for discrimination within health services, well I can add MIND and my GP(x2) to the list of places that have been exactly that, either through ignorance or never taking what I said seriously. I had to work around them and self refer to local autism related specialists, Healthy Minds deserve a positive mention for helping me find this direction at least. Even to get this far with an average wait of 18 months (+pandemic?), it's hardly a high priority part of the system or anything that'll be useful soon.

Family seem to have my back but have been usually out of their depth in knowing what to really do, and it doesn't mean I find it easy to explain to them.

Otherwise, every employer discriminates from the moment of application.