Those 'episodes' can be quite short, and that's probably what people who've experienced it are most familiar with, but they can also last quite a long time. Sometimes it's just one long episode, sometimes it's a chain of episodes that just bleed one into the other with only forgettably brief periods of reprieve.
Sometimes it feels like an emotional impulse that you can easily separate from your self-conscious, remembering self. Sometimes it changes the very way your brain thinks and feels, such that the thoughts and feelings feel like it's genuinely you.
But after dealing with it for so long, I know that even those days, weeks, months and years of f****d up thoughts and feelings aren't me. Or at least, it's complicated. Sometimes it really is me, but it's a mind-altered me.
It's tough to get through, I know, but just keep reminding yourself to hold on one more day. One more day is always another opportunity. Maybe not to completely overhaul your life and suddenly be perfectly fine, but it's an opportunity to at least improve your physical and mental health a little so that the next day doesn't feel so bad and your state of health and ability to make changes is just a little better than the day before.
This probably feels and sounds like too much for you right now. It often did for me. I often just blindly kept a tight mental hold on the idea "just one more day", or even co-opted other emotions and things to distract and motivate me to stick around and keep trying. Anger, pain, and other things that can modify ones state of mind. Whatever I needed to focus on "just one more day".
I'm still not completely out of it, and this year has even presented me with some new and very impactful problems, but I've hanging on, even just one day at a time when it gets that bad, but I've been working on doing what I can to improve my state of health and I'm slowly getting there.
For the first time in almost a decade, this past year has been better than the previous one, and I'm looking forward to next year.
Just stick with it, bro. Start with small changes. Focus on little things you know you can do.
A social platform that helped me to reintegrate back into some form of socializing is Twitch.com. You don't need to make great overtures to become a part of something. I literally started with just typing a single emote in the chat window before slowly moving to just a few words. Just focus on conveying positive messages. Even just a well timed, positive emote can make someone feel good enough to acknowledge and address you, and being a stable source of positive feelings for someone, no matter how simple your communications are, is something that people will remember and appreciate.
I literally made some friends by just sending a heart or laugh emote, and even for the past half year where I've been struggling to say anything at all (I had a relapse), I still sometimes pop up into one or two people's live stream and drop a heart emote and their response helps me to keep going forward (I've briefly mentioned my struggles to them). The social environment in smaller twitch streams makes it very easy to socialize and make casual friends who can show care can concern for each. You don't need to attempt full on conversations, emotional investment or anything heavy or particularly difficult in any way. Just hang around and don't say anything until you feel you're ready. I'd recommend non-gaming categories where people tend to be doing more socializing than anything else, which aren't so popular that your name and messages just get lost in the flood of people.
25 Dec 2021, 10:58 am
