Literally how hard having Asperger's is

Post Reply New Topic

I play it by ear. But thugs, muggers and rapists will flat-out tell you that women who avoid eye contact are FAR more likely to be chosen as victims. This tells the crook a few things: 1) She won't be able to identify him to a sketch artist or in a lineup, 2) She won't see his hand coming, 3) She won't be able to "read" his eyes (if that makes sense), and 4) She's submissive, insecure and easily frightened.

Body language is also important. If she gives eye contact but squirms, fidgets and otherwise shows vulnerability through her body and hands, this will make her look like an easy victim.

In my case, to assert authority, it's both eye contact and body language (and voice in some cases). One time I was alone on a subway in Chicago (and that's as bad as NYC!) at 1 in the morning! My car was in the shop. I was riding home from a visit to a then-boyfriend.

Three very unsavory-looking, thug-looking men boarded and sat across from me (the seats faced the windows). Needless to say, all three began looking me over and saying some things (can't recall what they said).

So I used my eyes as a weapon. I bore my eyes into each one for a few seconds: first guy, second guy, third guy, while employing confident body posture. I don't remember if I spoke anything. It's possible. All I DO remember for sure is giving each one solid eye contact. This told them I was NOT afraid of them, and that they'd better not mess with ME; they'd better leave me alone. And they silenced and ignored me the rest of the way.

But outside situations like this, when there's no need to assert authority or dominance, I avoid eye contact with strangers whom I'm NOT interacting with such as passing on street, passing in gym locker room, passing on gym floor, passing in store aisle, passing in medical building corridor. But I DO give eye contact when there's interaction (retail employee, gym front desk if they greet me or say goodbye when I leave, gym patron telling me she likes my covid mask or leggings, cashier or employee behind a counter, etc.). I don't want people to think I'm some kind of Nervous Nellie or Skittish Skylar.

Last edited by Elgee on 11 Feb 2022, 11:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

On the backroads of Texas, when you pass another oncoming vehicle, it is friendly etiquette to give a single finger wave with the hand at the top of the steering wheel. Index finger only but some people will use their thumb wrapped and wave with four fingers. It's considered rude if you recognize the other vehicle and they don't do the Texas finger wave.

In the UK it isn't socially acceptable to show much emotion when it public. If you're on your own you're supposed to show 0 emotion unless you're interacting in some way with someone (like smiling and saying thank you to someone who holds a door open for you, for example). It's why I have to gee myself up to go out in public sometimes, because I have to switch my emotions off and be an emotionless robot like everyone else. You might think that would be easy for an autistic, but not me. I'm very expressive with my emotions, both verbally and non-verbally, and I have to mask my emotions when in public places.

This reminds me of a couple of years ago when I was waiting for a bus for over an hour. A woman joined me about half an hour after I started waiting. I was patient for long enough but when several other buses came past that I didn't want and it was over an hour later and no sign of the bus I wanted (which was supposed to be frequent every 15 minutes), I had to outwardly express my frustration, as I felt like I was going to burst. So I just let out a groan, but that made the woman turn around and stare at me, and it wasn't sympathy either, it was like a judgemental look. I felt like yelling "well I'm sorry but I am a human and I've been waiting here before you and I'm entitled to express some emotions."

On WP people say that those who DON'T express emotion in public are the suspicious ones according to NTs, but in my experience the less emotion you express in public the more people will leave you alone. When I'm around friends and family or at work I can express emotions more but in public I'm not allowed to and it's frustrating.

Emotions, in public...
I must be socially acceptable then, by those standards.
I just act naturally.
Which for me is flattish affect, punctuated by animation, when necessary.
I don't pay much attention to perceived levels of acceptable emotion.
Unless i'm in close proximity to people...
Personal space considerations...
If i'm alone, unobserved, or Separated by distances more than say 10feet...
Others don't factor into my awareness...that much

SO if in the street and i start smiling to myself, (a sign of emotion), which i've done... Ive committed a social offense?

0 emotion?
You mean like:Deadpan, that can be common.
But also very animated people, too.

How do you know woman was judging you..?
What if she was already annoyed ,not even at you, or just a unsympathetic in general.
Either way I don't see you did anything wrong.
But i wasn't there.
This is 2nd hand.
Your experience, and interpretations, I don't know how it lines up with reality.

but the phrase.

I just have to disagree with.
It may be habit. Culturally.
But nothing stopping you showing as much emotion in public as you want.

Again. I don't understand.
Unless your'e so emotional reactive and expressive, you';re causing a massive scene, drawing attention to yourself, disrupting , causing disorder....drama...
Who says you have to be a robot?


I have very definite opinion on this.
Naturally.
Maybe it's different atmosphere where you are.

The only thing that stops me from showing emotion in public is the risk of being in the spotlight, having attention drawn to me. I know it's easy for some Aspies to say "do what you want, if they judge you it's their problem", but to me it isn't that simple. Something in the NT part of my brain tells me to be normal and any judgement from strangers will physically hit me like a brick. It's hard to explain to Aspies, but at least NTs would understand more. But the ADHD part of my brain is telling me to express myself, to show annoyance in my body language when a baby is screaming near me or to pace and groan loudly when the bus is an hour late.
Standing still and keeping calm and cool can get very exhausting for me when I'm on my own in public. My main ADHD symptoms are hyperactivity and impulsiveness.

The woman at the bus stop did look at me disapprovingly when I showed emotion. It was the way she turned around and gave me a funny look. I couldn't help but meet her eyes when she turned around and she frowned at me in a "you have just weirded me out" way. If someone else did that, I would probably get why they are groaning and I'd probably turn round and say something like "I know, right?" Or at least give that sort of expression that I understand how they feel.

Sometimes I feel like I'm better at sussing out other people's emotions and how to deal with them more than most NTs are. NTs deal with it by staring or laughing at you. I deal with it by trying to be helpful, thoughtful or understanding. I can actually distinguish between someone being a threat and someone harmlessly expressing an emotion.
One time I was waiting at a bus stop in a busy town and this man with Tourette's came along. He wasn't shouting swear words but he was shouting uncontrollably and I knew it was Tourette's just by looking at his body language (he looked embarrassed and a bit nervous). I glanced once at him but as soon as I saw that he wasn't a threat I just tolerated him. But everyone else gave him evil looks and kept turning back round to stare at him again, and some people laughed at him. I felt a great deal of sympathy for the poor guy, and I wanted to make him feel less self-conscious by looking away like he wasn't there (yes, people with differences like that prefer to be ignored in public rather than gawked at).

I have that part of the brain.
I dont have adhd, as far as i know.
I'm aware of decorum.
And Judgement from strangers...
It's situational dependent.
I am well mannered and polite to people.
When I want to be.
But i still express myself how i want.
Confidence issue.
Standing still and unreactive is the very easy to me.
Infact it's harder for me to be overly animated with people i do not know.
But i feel my NT' ness has improved over time...
I gesticulate more, now for e.g.
(But thats only through conscious effort...deliberately cultivating that habit.)
I'm more natural in my communication IMO

...
I don't know what your groaning was like...
But if lady is rude to you...
Or you perceive her to be rude.
A.ignore her..
B.challenge her..
"have you got a problem?"
okay thats too confrontational
"yeah, what are you looking at?"
Okay scratch that , still too confrontational
or
C.excuse it/explain it.
"i'm just....so and so..got to be somewhere on time."
If shes still act bitchy with you.
refer to A.
Most mature option...maybe.

I know natural for woman to be more apologetic, or accommodating
In their social actions, and considerations.
But i know women who are very aggressive.
And don't care what other people think about them.
Very loud, very 'boisterous'.
So...
....
Bottom line.
I think.
You need to pay less attention to what strangers think of you.
And work on being more self assured.
In your own actions.

I think you'd feel much better.
If you just accepted your 'hyperactivity and impulsiveness.'
AS a natural part of you.

Plus,
That lady at the bustop, by now, has probably forget the encounter, forgot you existed.
Therefore, why should you care, what she thinks?