Speaking your mind vs. avoiding conflict

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Deinonychus
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25 Dec 2007, 5:58 pm

I have this problem too. I always speak my mind no matter what and hope that the person I am talking to is reasonable enough to understand or tolerate my opinions. I always say that I don't mean to offend them and am just being honest before I speak but usually they still think I'm being arrogant. I do get myself into a lot of trouble and I find it frustrating that people are so intolerant. This semester, I got three important professors in my major to dislike me.



lupin
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25 Dec 2007, 6:02 pm

SapphoWoman wrote:
lupin wrote:
I know that feeling that makes me want to be utterly open and speak my mind. I also know that it's often not kind to do so.


Good point; and that is our dilemma, right?

The answer is: there is no answer! There is no hard and fast rule, and that's what we hate! :)

Thanks for your posts.


Bingo, Sappho! No fekkin' rules <groan> :?



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25 Dec 2007, 6:02 pm

OK.. becuase it IS Christmas and all.... I would just like to point out one MAJORLY SIGNIFANT INDIVIDUAL who spoke his mind and his heart:

JESUS!

And, well, you know what they did to him... KILLED him!

BUT! BUT! He had a wonderful effect on so many people.

I guess we should try to... speak our minds but not get killed! It's good to have goals... :lol:



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25 Dec 2007, 6:03 pm

Goal:

Speak my mind...

and then..... RUN!



EvilKimEvil
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25 Dec 2007, 6:04 pm

I agree that it's important to have a good supply of neutral phrases. Sometimes, people ask questions that are meant to test where you fall on a political spectrum, whether or not you're the kind of person they want to associate with, etc. If I think someone might have ulterior motives like that, I try to be as evasive as possible. Even if I agree, I don't want to act like I support that kind of behavior. Example:

Q: You're not the kind of person who buys into that ___ propaganda, are you?
A: I'm the kind of person who gathers a lot of information about something before revealing an opinion to other people.

I like MysteryFan's ideas about the timing of sharing ideas. I do that kind of thing in some situations. If only I was better at planning what I said. I always either speak impulsively or don't speak at all. Maybe it's easier for NTs (and some aspies) to translate their thoughts into spoken communication so they have more time to think before speaking.

In theory, I place a high value on open, direct communication. But many debates degenerate into emotionally-based arguments and excuses to pass judgement. That's what scares me.



Kitsy
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25 Dec 2007, 6:04 pm

SapphoWoman wrote:
OK.. becuase it IS Christmas and all.... I would just like to point out one MAJORLY SIGNIFANT INDIVIDUAL who spoke his mind and his heart:

JESUS!

And, well, you know what they did to him... KILLED him!

BUT! BUT! He had a wonderful effect on so many people.

I guess we should try to... speak our minds but not get killed! It's good to have goals... :lol:


I like your train of thought. Somedays I feel more suppressed. Other days when I actually catch onto what another person is trying to achieve and if I don't like it, I don't hold back.



sinsboldly
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25 Dec 2007, 6:53 pm

KimJ wrote:
I think there are times when you are being "cued" to agree-not literally agree but just "rah rah" and nod your head. Sometimes NTs that don't want to agree will say, "I hear what you're saying." "I see where you're coming from."
Those aren't agreeing statements but comforting phrases to show bonding or understanding.


oh! I thought they said that to just blow me off nicely.

Merle


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Keoren
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25 Dec 2007, 7:23 pm

I've come to decide that keeping all my thoughts inside is getting me nowhere. It's nearly impossible for me to remain in the middle so might aswell pick the more preferable end. Better to be hated yet have your words be heard than be respected for a falseful image. I do hate conflict, but think I eventually end up choosing honesty over it.



sartresue
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25 Dec 2007, 8:07 pm

Another interesting topic.

Anytime I have spoken my mind it usually sounds like a rant and people stare at me as if I am talking to myself.

For me it is more like "writing my mind". My mind writ large.
Writing out what I think and that is the way it is. You can say or write almost anything in a fair, diplomatic way and still get out what is on your mind. In doing so you may become a more tolerant person. I know. I have practiced this for years.

However, I cannot do this verbally because it sounds like a meltdown. It is a meltdown.



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25 Dec 2007, 8:57 pm

I have a bad habit of blurting out opinions, especially political ones, is situations where is not really apropriate. It doesn't help that, even though I am a left-winger in a very general sense, my views are somewhat eclectic and pragmatic, and so I have a tendency of offending people of most political leanings somehow, especially those who hold to political positions based on rigid first principles.


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Spot17
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25 Dec 2007, 9:23 pm

When I say that we should speak our minds, I'm not saying that every single thought or opinion should come rushing forth regardless of the situation. You need to develop a filter to understand when it's right to speak your mind and when it's pointless.

For example, if I'm at a wedding and the bride has on the ugliest dress I've ever seen complete with huge butt bow and it makes her look like a stuffed pig, I'm not going to say that. I'll probably just thank her for inviting me and tell her she looks beautiful. On the other hand, if I hear of someone I know doing something that I feel strongly about (e.g., going about their life in denial of something or drinking themselves to death), I'm going to say something.

There's a difference between indiscriminate honesty without a purpose other than to hurt and honesty meant to state your beliefs or to emphasize what you know to be right.

Being opinionated because you're a vocal advocate of your beliefs is something I believe in. If my beliefs offend someone, that's their problem, not mine. I'll admit I have not always practiced what I preach on this, but I've come to realize that this hesitancy on my part to stand up for what I believe has caused me internal grief and harmed my self-esteem. Being true to myself is my new number one goal in life above everything else. I firmly believe that if one does this, other people's opinions will lose their faculty to harm.


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25 Dec 2007, 10:27 pm

EvilKimEvil wrote:
Example:
Q: You're not the kind of person who buys into that ___ propaganda, are you?
A: I'm the kind of person who gathers a lot of information about something before revealing an opinion to other people.



yes...the reason people are so guarded about their opinions is that to be known (via your opinions) makes you easily got at, whereas for people who remain mysterious about what they really think, it's harder to use/manipulate/target them. It's like a social camouflage - the vagueness of one's opinions conceals one from predators. or something like that.



SapphoWoman
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26 Dec 2007, 1:28 pm

Spot17 wrote:
If my beliefs offend someone, that's their problem, not mine. I'll admit I have not always practiced what I preach on this, but I've come to realize that this hesitancy on my part to stand up for what I believe has caused me internal grief and harmed my self-esteem. Being true to myself is my new number one goal in life above everything else. I firmly believe that if one does this, other people's opinions will lose their faculty to harm.


This is awesome. Thank you!



Leo21k
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26 Dec 2007, 2:40 pm

I have a strong desire for acceptence so I just keep quiet because for some reason I tend to always have an opinion that goes against the opinions of who it is I'm talking to.

Even if I agree with someones opinion I'll want to play devils advocate and argue the for the other sides opinion... so frustrating lol.