Feeling Threatened around Attractive People

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Spread the happy.

I agree with most of the other replies, but I want to point out something else. You say that you have never been attractive and you never will be. Now I don't know you, and maybe you have something irreversible that makes this true. But I think that most people underestimate how much of their appearance is under their own control. Someone can transform his appearance dramatically by going to the gym, losing weight, building muscles, getting a haircut, shaving everyday, wearing stylish clothes (it can be your own style, as long as it fits), and getting a little tan. A couple years ago, I made all of those changes, and I am unrecognizable from what I looked like before.

I never really consider that....I am considered (by others) 'very pretty,' but I am socially awkward and shy. Sometimes in a public place (like the coffee shop I frequent) I've had a stranger say "You're really beautiful." I am always sort-of nonplussed, and shy. I do say thank you - this is polite. But I truly do not consider this way of being. Trust me, I am just as lost (or more lost!) than any other HFA in any social situation. I certainly do NOT judge another by their looks. Albeit, many NTs do judge. This isn't a consideration for me and I 'forget' my looks and still stumble hard over my shyness. Then, when I've gone somewhere with another, they've have mentioned, for ex., "That 'person' is looking at you!" But I do not know differently. How can I know if they are in fact staring, or if this is just what others do?

Be assured that I am not assessing others outwardly and I am probably far more insecure than they are - really! No need to feel awkward or intimidated. I am attracted to men who are smart with a genuine passion for their interests! Now that's attractive! I like men who are confident and compassionate. I do not necessarily go for men who would be conventionally attractive - not my perogative. If a man showed me his interest, I would be flattered. Regardless of one's attractiveness, they have the same inside make-up as any other. They feel pain, lonliness, whatever, too. I would feel badly if I knew another felt badly because of my presence. I hope that makes sense....sigh. I fall in love with a man's mind. And I respect others for their mind. Now that's attractive!

When I was a preteen aged 9-12 and a teenager I sometimes felt threatened by girls I found sophisticated.

I'm what you'd call homely or plain in the old days. I don't care, but when I was young my parents were hung up on looks. I only get annoyed at attractive people who think that their looks make them better than others. I've met a few who are that way.

There is a lot of truth to this. I used to weigh 300 pounds and now weigh 170. By doing all of the things that RainKing lists I have managed to become less hideous than I used to be. I still have major problems dealing NT's because of my seriously screwed up body language but I rarely get called ugly anymore. Being an Aspie it is a major struggle for me to keep my apperance up but it has to be done and has paid off. If you knew me four years ago and saw me today you would not be able to recognize me at all.

I'm actually calmer around attractive women because the desire to meet them pushes out other concerns.

LabPet said it right. I fall in 'love' with another's mind too!

I'm not sure it's ever love in my particular case, but what I found most interesting and what draws me heavily to a person is their mind.



One of my friends is extraordinary attractive to most people and I don't mind it. I felt embarrassed by it one time when I was still telling myself that I must find a partner asap and then wondered how my chances to find one are if I have my attractive friend accompanying me who had many boyfriends already. On that day, I felt small and ugly like a duck.

I'm embarrassed that I ever thought that now. I don't care if people don't find me attractive. I don't look mainstream, I can't very well change my bones. Additional to that, my (autistic) behaviour is what puts others off mainly.

I try to look how I want and like to.

NT women have those thoughts ALL the time, and they're not embarrassed about it, either. I'm not trying to sound conceited, because believe me, my self esteem is extraordinarily low, but women have left me out many a times, because they thought I'd somehow get all the attention if I were to accompany them on an outing. This isn't just paranoia, because they would actually straight out tell me that was the reason they left me out. Not that I ever notice that someone is flirting with me, and even if I did I'd have not a clue how to flirt back. I've been told many times that the way I look doesn't match up with the way I act... whatever that means exactly, I don't know.

And to answer the OP question, I'm only intimidated by attractive people of the opposite sex if my husband is staring at them, or seeming to take an interest in them. Other then that, I'm mostly intimidated by extroverted people with wonderful social skills.

If that's how NT women think, then I think NT women are quite silly for thinking that, because thoughts like these only make one feel bad and don't add to success. I'm always very embarrassed with myself when I put myself down for silly reasons.

I put myself down for a whole variety of ridiculous reasons, but the thought has never occurred to me to take it out on another person, ie; treat someone badly, because I feel they possess something that I don't. That does seem illogical to me, thus adding to the many reasons as to why I don't have any female friends, despite wanting some.

That's a big change. Good job . I went from 240 to 160. I've gained 40 pounds since then, but it's all muscle . I have the same problem with body language too, and also with the sound of my voice.

Trash bags is right. But since they're still attractive on the outside, most people around them will conveniently ignore the fact that there's nothing good inside. Even more so, hot people know they're hot, and not afraid to use the hotness for personal gain. So the trash bag analogy doesn't reduce my fear/paranoia/whatever one bit.

I do keep away from beautiful people since ugly ones never bullied me. I can summarize that all people who made life hell for me where 'barbies' or fashion aware boys.

I think that good-looking people are more scared of me, than I am of them. I think that they're showoffs.

[deledted due to idocy]
-bheid

Last edited by bheid on 22 Mar 2008, 4:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.