I think my boyfriend might have Aspergers
10 Oct 2008, 12:22 pm
LabPet wrote:
Seriously, if you feel you should bring this to his attention, with Aspies/Auties the direct approach is always best. Subtlies just don't work in this situation. Maybe you could offer him some information for his review, on his own time? Choose peer-reviewed current science journal articles, for instance.
I don't think I agree with this. When I posted about a guy I think has Asperger's, I was told to not suggest to him that I think he has because people who don't know they have it, might be really offended if you suggest they might have it. I know before I was DX'd if anyone said to me they think I have something as bizarre as AS or Autism I would be pissed.
poopylungstuffing
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Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,714
Location: Snapdragon Ridge
10 Oct 2008, 12:26 pm
LA_gal wrote:
Thank you all for all of your wonderful insight/advice. The above post from lexis, with the websites was especially helpful. It describes so accurately the stuff that I'm dealing with day to day.
Poopyslungstuffing - I think we probably travel in the same social circles in Houston. I'm involved with several different art and architectural organizations. I hate to say more than that, because ultimately, this is my boyfriend's journey, and if he in fact has aspergers, it would be up to him to "out" himself. Anyway, could you tell me of some resources in Houston? I saw you say something somewhere about a center in Sugarland. That would really be helpful!
I'm really hoping that aspergers isn't his issue. I'm getting to be pretty much done with the outbursts and rigidity - I would feel so guilty if it turns out he has differences due to something he can't control rather than the possibility that he's simply a control freak. (Gosh, that sounds so self-serving. Really, what I want is for us to both be happy and self-aware enough to live productive, fullfilled lives. And it would be great if we could do it together)
Poopyslungstuffing - I think we probably travel in the same social circles in Houston. I'm involved with several different art and architectural organizations. I hate to say more than that, because ultimately, this is my boyfriend's journey, and if he in fact has aspergers, it would be up to him to "out" himself. Anyway, could you tell me of some resources in Houston? I saw you say something somewhere about a center in Sugarland. That would really be helpful!
I'm really hoping that aspergers isn't his issue. I'm getting to be pretty much done with the outbursts and rigidity - I would feel so guilty if it turns out he has differences due to something he can't control rather than the possibility that he's simply a control freak. (Gosh, that sounds so self-serving. Really, what I want is for us to both be happy and self-aware enough to live productive, fullfilled lives. And it would be great if we could do it together)
The FOCUS initiative http://www.asdfocus.com/
gave me a free assessment...click the link that says "Adult Services"
I am not really sure if we run in the same circles..I don't really feel like i run in any particular social circle, but alot of people know me from Super Happy Fun Land...my ("temporarily") defunct performance and arts space...
_________________
http://www.youtube.com/user/MsPuppetrina
http://www.youtube.com/poopylungstuffing
http://www.superhappyfunland.com
"Ifthefoolwouldpersistinhisfolly,hewouldbecomewise"
10 Oct 2008, 12:27 pm
Droopy wrote:
LabPet wrote:
Seriously, if you feel you should bring this to his attention, with Aspies/Auties the direct approach is always best. Subtlies just don't work in this situation. Maybe you could offer him some information for his review, on his own time? Choose peer-reviewed current science journal articles, for instance.
I don't think I agree with this. When I posted about a guy I think has Asperger's, I was told to not suggest to him that I think he has because people who don't know they have it, might be really offended if you suggest they might have it. I know before I was DX'd if anyone said to me they think I have something as bizarre as AS or Autism I would be pissed.
So how did you come to be diagnosed?
10 Oct 2008, 12:46 pm
Im lucky, my wife dealt with my tantrums and my way of thinking for some time now. We have been married for 8 years now. After my son was diagnosed with autism she learned a lot of why I am the way I am and I think it became easier for her to understand me. In 2000 I started surfing and skateboarding again and it has helped me with my temper quite a bit. It is the same for our son, when he has OT or when we take him to gymnastics class he is better acting.
10 Oct 2008, 1:17 pm
Well, knowing the problem exists is the first step towards solving it. In his head, his outbursts seem completely rational. You need to talk to him privately, and show him that he is getting upset over small things. Get him to realize that he is making a big deal out of nothing. Of course telling him about AS, and helping him understand it is the best way to do this. Otherwise he may think your over-reacting.
I personally think you should go tell him about AS, just do it in a sensitive and supporting way. Keep in mind, that if it is AS, he knows that there is something weird about him. He may not have been diagnosed, but its fairly difficult to miss the fact that he thinks completely differently then everybody around him. If you present it as a useful discovery, with some useful information to read and consider, then he will most likely identify with it. For example, you might approach the conversation like:
'Hello honey, I found something the other day which I thought you might be interested in. Its called asperger's syndrome, and some of the characteristics are ..... (list characteristics that he would identify with, such as lacking facial expressions). I thought it might be useful for you to read this book about it (provide book).' There are plenty of good books available at your local library. One you might want to read is 'the complete guide to asperger's syndrome', or any other book which describes what AS is. Just go to the library and type in aspergers into the search engine. You'll find alot of books. I would suggest reading them yourself before giving them to your boyfriend. He will probably have a few questions, so you would be well advised to know the answers. Also, most books deal with children, so you dont want to give him a book about that.
Overall, as you said yourself, this relationship isnt working properly, and is not the basis for a long time deal. Dealing with the AS now, and working a bridge of understanding is really the only helpful way you have of making this relationship work. Plus you will be doing your boyfriend a big favor. Finally understanding why he is so different is a very relieving feeling, and the start to a better life.
After he has come to terms with AS (which may take a while, since it is a life changing discovery) you can work on things like stress management, and improving the relationship. For example, if you say, 'lets go to subway for lunch instead of burger king'. A relatively small and harmless change. If you had come up with this idea the night before, he wouldnt have a problem with it, its just when you are already in the car, on the way that a change in plans can seem harder then it really is. Help him to realize that he is over-reacting, and then let him do some self calming exercises (like taking deep breaths and counting in prime numbers). Being supportive and helping to remain calm and controlled when things arent going to plan is useful for both you and him, your doing him a favor.
Also, once he has accepted AS, you can read other books like: 'Asperger Syndrome And Difficult Moments: Practical Solutions For Tantrums, Rage And Meltdowns' , 'Solutions for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome: Maximizing the Benefits, Minimizing the Drawbacks to Achieve Success' , 'Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships' , 'Aspergers in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs' and so forth. There is alot of books written on the topic, so your library should have at least a few. Also, there seems to be a book specifically for your situation called: The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome: A guide to an Intimate Relationship with a Partner who has Asperger Syndrome.
So in summary: read all you can about AS, tell your partner about AS, give him some information to read, encourage him to read it, answer any questions he has. Be understanding, then help him to overcome his challenges in a supporting way. If you dont want to do that, or think the relationship isnt worth it, then so be it, not every relationship will work out. But at least tell him about AS so that he can improve his life with the information.
t0
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Age: 52
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10 Oct 2008, 1:36 pm
Droopy wrote:
LabPet wrote:
Seriously, if you feel you should bring this to his attention, with Aspies/Auties the direct approach is always best. Subtlies just don't work in this situation. Maybe you could offer him some information for his review, on his own time? Choose peer-reviewed current science journal articles, for instance.
I don't think I agree with this. When I posted about a guy I think has Asperger's, I was told to not suggest to him that I think he has because people who don't know they have it, might be really offended if you suggest they might have it. I know before I was DX'd if anyone said to me they think I have something as bizarre as AS or Autism I would be pissed.
To the OP - before you enter into this conversation with your BF, I think you should ask yourself a few questions about your BF and go from there. IMHO, the conversation is worthless if your BF wouldn't be helped by the diagnosis, would not seek diagnosis, or would not seek help after diagnosis. If you don't know the answer to this, you might be able to ask him in conversation without making it about him.
In my case, the unofficial diagnosis (and later discovering a family member had an official diagnosis) has not changed much about my behavior (I visit WP, that's about it). I'm still eccentric; I still need my routines; I still don't like being around people. It has helped my relationship with my wife because she realizes that some of my behavior is due to misunderstandings/overstimulation/lack of routine rather than me just being an ass.
You may be able to ease the meltdown by asking him about changing the routine before the actual change occurs. Maybe he'll have a smaller/quieter meltdown in his mind if he thinks he isn't being moved from his routine but just asked to think about it. If you and he can talk about it before anything happens and lower the level of anxiety before the change occurs, maybe it will make a difference.
10 Oct 2008, 1:36 pm
LA_gal wrote:
Droopy wrote:
LabPet wrote:
Seriously, if you feel you should bring this to his attention, with Aspies/Auties the direct approach is always best. Subtlies just don't work in this situation. Maybe you could offer him some information for his review, on his own time? Choose peer-reviewed current science journal articles, for instance.
I don't think I agree with this. When I posted about a guy I think has Asperger's, I was told to not suggest to him that I think he has because people who don't know they have it, might be really offended if you suggest they might have it. I know before I was DX'd if anyone said to me they think I have something as bizarre as AS or Autism I would be pissed.
So how did you come to be diagnosed?
I had an incident at work with someone and a week later was still obsessing and crying over it. So I talked to my boss about it expecting her to be consoling and understanding. I thought my reaction was normal. However, she looked at me like I was crazy and flat out told me that incident happened a week ago and the way I was still reacting to it wasn't normal. After much thought I realized how much I over-reacted to things, especially involving people, and how much I dwelled on insignificant issues and how my interests were so far fetched from others, especially other women. I lived me life thinking I was "normal" but stupid and annoying and lazy. But after my boss told me that I decided there must be something that makes me that way.
So I went to my doctor and insisted on being tested. I didn't know what for but I didn't want someone to sit and listen to me and analyze me up and down, I needed testing.....1,2,3. So I got it done by one of those Psychologists who specializes in everything, including the uncommonly heard of stuff, like AS. After 3 months the verdict came out that I had AS accompanied with ADD and SA. That was 2 years ago. I was kind of mind blown and at first sad then mad then doubting. But I kept researching and studying AS, obsessively at times until a year later, I finally came to accept it. I don't like it, I think it's really gotten in they way of my life and destroyed a lot of relationships but I can't turn back time. Now I have tendencies to let it define me and make me bitter so I don't know if I like that I found out or not. But I did so here I am. There you go, that's my story. Any other questions, concerns or remarks, please let me, I'm all ears.
10 Oct 2008, 1:47 pm
Tracker wrote:
Well, knowing the problem exists is the first step towards solving it. In his head, his outbursts seem completely rational. You need to talk to him privately, and show him that he is getting upset over small things. Get him to realize that he is making a big deal out of nothing. Of course telling him about AS, and helping him understand it is the best way to do this. Otherwise he may think your over-reacting.
I personally think you should go tell him about AS, just do it in a sensitive and supporting way. Keep in mind, that if it is AS, he knows that there is something weird about him. He may not have been diagnosed, but its fairly difficult to miss the fact that he thinks completely differently then everybody around him. If you present it as a useful discovery, with some useful information to read and consider, then he will most likely identify with it. For example, you might approach the conversation like:
'Hello honey, I found something the other day which I thought you might be interested in. Its called asperger's syndrome, and some of the characteristics are ..... (list characteristics that he would identify with, such as lacking facial expressions). I thought it might be useful for you to read this book about it (provide book).' There are plenty of good books available at your local library. One you might want to read is 'the complete guide to asperger's syndrome', or any other book which describes what AS is. Just go to the library and type in aspergers into the search engine. You'll find alot of books. I would suggest reading them yourself before giving them to your boyfriend. He will probably have a few questions, so you would be well advised to know the answers. Also, most books deal with children, so you dont want to give him a book about that.
Overall, as you said yourself, this relationship isnt working properly, and is not the basis for a long time deal. Dealing with the AS now, and working a bridge of understanding is really the only helpful way you have of making this relationship work. Plus you will be doing your boyfriend a big favor. Finally understanding why he is so different is a very relieving feeling, and the start to a better life.
After he has come to terms with AS (which may take a while, since it is a life changing discovery) you can work on things like stress management, and improving the relationship. For example, if you say, 'lets go to subway for lunch instead of burger king'. A relatively small and harmless change. If you had come up with this idea the night before, he wouldnt have a problem with it, its just when you are already in the car, on the way that a change in plans can seem harder then it really is. Help him to realize that he is over-reacting, and then let him do some self calming exercises (like taking deep breaths and counting in prime numbers). Being supportive and helping to remain calm and controlled when things arent going to plan is useful for both you and him, your doing him a favor.
Also, once he has accepted AS, you can read other books like: 'Asperger Syndrome And Difficult Moments: Practical Solutions For Tantrums, Rage And Meltdowns' , 'Solutions for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome: Maximizing the Benefits, Minimizing the Drawbacks to Achieve Success' , 'Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships' , 'Aspergers in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs' and so forth. There is alot of books written on the topic, so your library should have at least a few. Also, there seems to be a book specifically for your situation called: The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome: A guide to an Intimate Relationship with a Partner who has Asperger Syndrome.
So in summary: read all you can about AS, tell your partner about AS, give him some information to read, encourage him to read it, answer any questions he has. Be understanding, then help him to overcome his challenges in a supporting way. If you dont want to do that, or think the relationship isnt worth it, then so be it, not every relationship will work out. But at least tell him about AS so that he can improve his life with the information.
I personally think you should go tell him about AS, just do it in a sensitive and supporting way. Keep in mind, that if it is AS, he knows that there is something weird about him. He may not have been diagnosed, but its fairly difficult to miss the fact that he thinks completely differently then everybody around him. If you present it as a useful discovery, with some useful information to read and consider, then he will most likely identify with it. For example, you might approach the conversation like:
'Hello honey, I found something the other day which I thought you might be interested in. Its called asperger's syndrome, and some of the characteristics are ..... (list characteristics that he would identify with, such as lacking facial expressions). I thought it might be useful for you to read this book about it (provide book).' There are plenty of good books available at your local library. One you might want to read is 'the complete guide to asperger's syndrome', or any other book which describes what AS is. Just go to the library and type in aspergers into the search engine. You'll find alot of books. I would suggest reading them yourself before giving them to your boyfriend. He will probably have a few questions, so you would be well advised to know the answers. Also, most books deal with children, so you dont want to give him a book about that.
Overall, as you said yourself, this relationship isnt working properly, and is not the basis for a long time deal. Dealing with the AS now, and working a bridge of understanding is really the only helpful way you have of making this relationship work. Plus you will be doing your boyfriend a big favor. Finally understanding why he is so different is a very relieving feeling, and the start to a better life.
After he has come to terms with AS (which may take a while, since it is a life changing discovery) you can work on things like stress management, and improving the relationship. For example, if you say, 'lets go to subway for lunch instead of burger king'. A relatively small and harmless change. If you had come up with this idea the night before, he wouldnt have a problem with it, its just when you are already in the car, on the way that a change in plans can seem harder then it really is. Help him to realize that he is over-reacting, and then let him do some self calming exercises (like taking deep breaths and counting in prime numbers). Being supportive and helping to remain calm and controlled when things arent going to plan is useful for both you and him, your doing him a favor.
Also, once he has accepted AS, you can read other books like: 'Asperger Syndrome And Difficult Moments: Practical Solutions For Tantrums, Rage And Meltdowns' , 'Solutions for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome: Maximizing the Benefits, Minimizing the Drawbacks to Achieve Success' , 'Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships' , 'Aspergers in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs' and so forth. There is alot of books written on the topic, so your library should have at least a few. Also, there seems to be a book specifically for your situation called: The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome: A guide to an Intimate Relationship with a Partner who has Asperger Syndrome.
So in summary: read all you can about AS, tell your partner about AS, give him some information to read, encourage him to read it, answer any questions he has. Be understanding, then help him to overcome his challenges in a supporting way. If you dont want to do that, or think the relationship isnt worth it, then so be it, not every relationship will work out. But at least tell him about AS so that he can improve his life with the information.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!! ! I agree that I need to discuss this with him in a straightforward way. He doesn't have any problem with this - as long as I don't do it at some weird, inopportune moment.
We haven't spoken in several days (we usually see each other every day). This is what usually happens following an outburst. He's not mad at me, I just know he's gone into his shell and is waiting for me to contact him. And if history is any guide, he's praying that by the time we do speak, I'll be "over it" and he won't have to really discuss it much (although he will if I ask him to).
I agree that if we do split up, he needs to have some information so that he can possibly do some research himself. And I will do everything I can to help him if he'll allow me. But one last question: should I say something to his family if we end up splitting up? Not his mother and father - that's a weird relationship and I think saying anything would put strain there. However, he is relatively close to his sister (as close as he is to anyone, anyway). Would it be incorrect to say something to her? I know that besides me, she is the one person in this world that absolutely has his best interest at heart.
Again, thank you!
10 Oct 2008, 2:11 pm
LA_gal wrote:
0_equals_true wrote:
We are used to post like this. Some are objective, some are extremely bitter, some are in-between.
Some people just aren’t compatible. The worst type of relationship for me is a neurotic type that is controlling. I don't particularly associate this with ASD. The need to control other people lives doesn't come from not understanding social nuances but precisely the opposite. Having said that people might confuse inflexibility, with having a need to control people.
Some people just aren’t compatible. The worst type of relationship for me is a neurotic type that is controlling. I don't particularly associate this with ASD. The need to control other people lives doesn't come from not understanding social nuances but precisely the opposite. Having said that people might confuse inflexibility, with having a need to control people.
I don't understand the first paragraph of this post. What do you mean "we are used to post like this"? Are you saying that some people who post here are sometimes objective, extremely bitter or in-between, or are you saying that some people with aspergers are objective, bitter, or in-between?
The second paragraph really rings true for me. In general, I wouldn't characterize my boyfriend as someone who tries to control me at all. It really does seem like more of a need to control what's going on around him. It can be something as innocuous as someone asking him to switch seats with him. He gets so upset! I've learned not to throw those curveballs at him, but it can be so exhausting! I'm the sort of person that needs spontaineity in her life, and like you said, some people just aren't compatible.
0_equals_true is polite....
I am gonna say it in another way: we are fed up by such posts , by women who just 'discovered' that their misbehaving boyfriends might have an Asperger and after some long discussion with other members here they find out that they are "neurologically" "too different" than their boyfriends and so they find the good justification to break up without any feel of guilt.
Look gal , if he's a jerk then he's a jerk whether he's normal or aspie. If you can't handle his attitude then just break it up.
10 Oct 2008, 2:40 pm
LePetitPrince wrote:
LA_gal wrote:
0_equals_true wrote:
We are used to post like this. Some are objective, some are extremely bitter, some are in-between.
Some people just aren’t compatible. The worst type of relationship for me is a neurotic type that is controlling. I don't particularly associate this with ASD. The need to control other people lives doesn't come from not understanding social nuances but precisely the opposite. Having said that people might confuse inflexibility, with having a need to control people.
Some people just aren’t compatible. The worst type of relationship for me is a neurotic type that is controlling. I don't particularly associate this with ASD. The need to control other people lives doesn't come from not understanding social nuances but precisely the opposite. Having said that people might confuse inflexibility, with having a need to control people.
I don't understand the first paragraph of this post. What do you mean "we are used to post like this"? Are you saying that some people who post here are sometimes objective, extremely bitter or in-between, or are you saying that some people with aspergers are objective, bitter, or in-between?
The second paragraph really rings true for me. In general, I wouldn't characterize my boyfriend as someone who tries to control me at all. It really does seem like more of a need to control what's going on around him. It can be something as innocuous as someone asking him to switch seats with him. He gets so upset! I've learned not to throw those curveballs at him, but it can be so exhausting! I'm the sort of person that needs spontaineity in her life, and like you said, some people just aren't compatible.
0_equals_true is polite....
I am gonna say it in another way: we are fed up by such posts , by women who just 'discovered' that their misbehaving boyfriends might have an Asperger and after some long discussion with other members here they find out that they are "neurologically" "too different" than their boyfriends and so they find the good justification to break up without any feel of guilt.
Look gal , if he's a jerk then he's a jerk whether he's normal or aspie. If you can't handle his attitude then just break it up.
My boyfriend is not a jerk. I'm sorry that this was your inference based on my posts. For a year now I have spent many hours in and out of therapy with him trying to figure out what is wrong and why he seems to feel things so intensely yet always ends up withdrawing in his cocoon. Trying to figure out why he gets so incredibly angry and out of control despite the fact that, as anyone who knows him can tell you, he is possibly the sweetest, most sensitive person I know.
Our therapist has discussed with us the possibility of several diagnoses, including ADHD. I have an appointment with her this week and plan to address the possibility of aspergers, but I thought it prudent to come to a highly regarded website and gather as much info as I can in the event that she isn't informed. And again, I'd like to thank everyone here for their support. I've never posted on a message board before, and I was kind of nervous. However, I have read message boards before. I'm guessing that the rules for this one aren't a lot different from others: if you're fed up with this sort of post, please don't look at it.
10 Oct 2008, 3:23 pm
I would advise not talking to the sister unless your boyfriend wants to. Its his personal choice with whom he chooses to disclose the information.
Also, while this is a somewhat controversial topic, you might want to ask the therapist about anti-depressants. Certain drugs like Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, etc. (often in doses smaller then given to depressed patients) have been shown to reduce the anxiety caused by things like change in routine. Obviously you'll want to discuss this with your boyfriend, and the therapist before starting any drugs. It would also be a good idea to ask people here what experiences they have with the drug, and do research into the side effects. Some autistic people do much better with a small dose of anti-depressants, others notice no discernible advantage. Drugs like Prozac are no longer covered by patent, so you can get them very cheap over the counter.
You might want to take a look at this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgEAhMEgGOQ
Just forward to time index 1:02:00 to see what I am talking about.
Overall, dont be afraid to ask questions on here. While some of us may be more blunt then others, the answers are mostly useful. And of course the more information you know, the better you will be able to understand.
10 Oct 2008, 3:29 pm
countzarroff wrote:
How old are you? Most people at the dating age who have real aspergers have been diagnosed long before they start dating. What is his speech pattern like, does he pronounce his words almost overly clearly? Does he tend to talk a lot about one paticular thing without noticing your level of interest. These are real questions you should ask yourself.
Pardon? While there are many who are getting early diagnoses while in their toddler and developmental years, there are thousands and thousands of us that grew up before the condition was identified. Speech pattern is not a reliable indicator, especially in older individuals, who have learned coping skills and mechanisms.
It is possible, although not an exclusive option. There are other conditions, but it merits learning more for both of you. His piques of rage do sound somewhat familiar... the smallest things can lead to the biggest explosions.
M.
_________________
My thanks to all the wonderful members here; I will miss the opportunity to continue to learn and work with you.
For those who seek an alternative, it is coming.
So long, and thanks for all the fish!
10 Oct 2008, 3:48 pm
LA_gal wrote:
LePetitPrince wrote:
LA_gal wrote:
0_equals_true wrote:
We are used to post like this. Some are objective, some are extremely bitter, some are in-between.
Some people just aren’t compatible. The worst type of relationship for me is a neurotic type that is controlling. I don't particularly associate this with ASD. The need to control other people lives doesn't come from not understanding social nuances but precisely the opposite. Having said that people might confuse inflexibility, with having a need to control people.
Some people just aren’t compatible. The worst type of relationship for me is a neurotic type that is controlling. I don't particularly associate this with ASD. The need to control other people lives doesn't come from not understanding social nuances but precisely the opposite. Having said that people might confuse inflexibility, with having a need to control people.
I don't understand the first paragraph of this post. What do you mean "we are used to post like this"? Are you saying that some people who post here are sometimes objective, extremely bitter or in-between, or are you saying that some people with aspergers are objective, bitter, or in-between?
The second paragraph really rings true for me. In general, I wouldn't characterize my boyfriend as someone who tries to control me at all. It really does seem like more of a need to control what's going on around him. It can be something as innocuous as someone asking him to switch seats with him. He gets so upset! I've learned not to throw those curveballs at him, but it can be so exhausting! I'm the sort of person that needs spontaineity in her life, and like you said, some people just aren't compatible.
0_equals_true is polite....
I am gonna say it in another way: we are fed up by such posts , by women who just 'discovered' that their misbehaving boyfriends might have an Asperger and after some long discussion with other members here they find out that they are "neurologically" "too different" than their boyfriends and so they find the good justification to break up without any feel of guilt.
Look gal , if he's a jerk then he's a jerk whether he's normal or aspie. If you can't handle his attitude then just break it up.
My boyfriend is not a jerk. I'm sorry that this was your inference based on my posts. For a year now I have spent many hours in and out of therapy with him trying to figure out what is wrong and why he seems to feel things so intensely yet always ends up withdrawing in his cocoon. Trying to figure out why he gets so incredibly angry and out of control despite the fact that, as anyone who knows him can tell you, he is possibly the sweetest, most sensitive person I know.
Our therapist has discussed with us the possibility of several diagnoses, including ADHD. I have an appointment with her this week and plan to address the possibility of aspergers, but I thought it prudent to come to a highly regarded website and gather as much info as I can in the event that she isn't informed. And again, I'd like to thank everyone here for their support. I've never posted on a message board before, and I was kind of nervous. However, I have read message boards before. I'm guessing that the rules for this one aren't a lot different from others: if you're fed up with this sort of post, please don't look at it.
I don't think it's these kinds of posts were fed up with. What we're fed up with, to my understanding of what the others are saying is, we're fed up with the NT's attitude of "Oh, my girlfriend/boyfriend is strange. I think he/she has this Asperger's Syndrome and I can't take that and don't have to time or patience or understanding to deal with it. It's just too weird for me. So I just want to get him/her the help and support he/she needs before I say tah tah!"
10 Oct 2008, 3:52 pm
makuranososhi wrote:
countzarroff wrote:
How old are you? Most people at the dating age who have real aspergers have been diagnosed long before they start dating. What is his speech pattern like, does he pronounce his words almost overly clearly? Does he tend to talk a lot about one paticular thing without noticing your level of interest. These are real questions you should ask yourself.
Pardon? While there are many who are getting early diagnoses while in their toddler and developmental years, there are thousands and thousands of us that grew up before the condition was identified. Speech pattern is not a reliable indicator, especially in older individuals, who have learned coping skills and mechanisms.
It is possible, although not an exclusive option. There are other conditions, but it merits learning more for both of you. His piques of rage do sound somewhat familiar... the smallest things can lead to the biggest explosions.
M.
I agree. Also, I think it was noted in the recent conferance that many diagnostic criteria are more applicable for younger individuals than older.
But regardless, I wish the original poster the best of luck. Shame that some other partners (of anyone with any problems) can't approach the matter in a mature fashion.
So, yeah; hope everything works out for the best and some insight is gained.
10 Oct 2008, 4:17 pm
Droopy wrote:
LA_gal wrote:
LePetitPrince wrote:
LA_gal wrote:
0_equals_true wrote:
We are used to post like this. Some are objective, some are extremely bitter, some are in-between.
Some people just aren’t compatible. The worst type of relationship for me is a neurotic type that is controlling. I don't particularly associate this with ASD. The need to control other people lives doesn't come from not understanding social nuances but precisely the opposite. Having said that people might confuse inflexibility, with having a need to control people.
Some people just aren’t compatible. The worst type of relationship for me is a neurotic type that is controlling. I don't particularly associate this with ASD. The need to control other people lives doesn't come from not understanding social nuances but precisely the opposite. Having said that people might confuse inflexibility, with having a need to control people.
I don't understand the first paragraph of this post. What do you mean "we are used to post like this"? Are you saying that some people who post here are sometimes objective, extremely bitter or in-between, or are you saying that some people with aspergers are objective, bitter, or in-between?
The second paragraph really rings true for me. In general, I wouldn't characterize my boyfriend as someone who tries to control me at all. It really does seem like more of a need to control what's going on around him. It can be something as innocuous as someone asking him to switch seats with him. He gets so upset! I've learned not to throw those curveballs at him, but it can be so exhausting! I'm the sort of person that needs spontaineity in her life, and like you said, some people just aren't compatible.
0_equals_true is polite....
I am gonna say it in another way: we are fed up by such posts , by women who just 'discovered' that their misbehaving boyfriends might have an Asperger and after some long discussion with other members here they find out that they are "neurologically" "too different" than their boyfriends and so they find the good justification to break up without any feel of guilt.
Look gal , if he's a jerk then he's a jerk whether he's normal or aspie. If you can't handle his attitude then just break it up.
My boyfriend is not a jerk. I'm sorry that this was your inference based on my posts. For a year now I have spent many hours in and out of therapy with him trying to figure out what is wrong and why he seems to feel things so intensely yet always ends up withdrawing in his cocoon. Trying to figure out why he gets so incredibly angry and out of control despite the fact that, as anyone who knows him can tell you, he is possibly the sweetest, most sensitive person I know.
Our therapist has discussed with us the possibility of several diagnoses, including ADHD. I have an appointment with her this week and plan to address the possibility of aspergers, but I thought it prudent to come to a highly regarded website and gather as much info as I can in the event that she isn't informed. And again, I'd like to thank everyone here for their support. I've never posted on a message board before, and I was kind of nervous. However, I have read message boards before. I'm guessing that the rules for this one aren't a lot different from others: if you're fed up with this sort of post, please don't look at it.
I don't think it's these kinds of posts were fed up with. What we're fed up with, to my understanding of what the others are saying is, we're fed up with the NT's attitude of "Oh, my girlfriend/boyfriend is strange. I think he/she has this Asperger's Syndrome and I can't take that and don't have to time or patience or understanding to deal with it. It's just too weird for me. So I just want to get him/her the help and support he/she needs before I say tah tah!"
You phrased it better than me.
ps: are you the same famous droopy?
10 Oct 2008, 4:28 pm
Sounds like you're dating my (fortunately) ex-husband. The tantrums at any surprise, the blank stares when angry, the threats, the embarrassments in front of family, the not talking for days afterwards and waiting for me to lick my wounds, get up again and be the peacemaker, etc. I feel relieved to know that it didn't happen only to me.
Whether he has AS or not, he's yuck. What are you doing with him?
Maybe you'd like to stick around here for a while, and see how nice most Aspies are, then you'd understand that your bf's nastiness is his choice.
And don't do as I did. When someone tells you that it gets a lot worse after the wedding, believe them.
_________________
So-called white lies are like fake jewelry. Adorn yourself with them if you must, but expect to look cheap to a connoisseur.
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