Social disasters and being pushed into them

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I also enjoyed it, but one time I had to go to an overnight stay at a film festival with a film club I go to. I had min-meltdowns when walking around the media museum so my only "safe place" was the store. When getting a certificate on stage I had to follow the person in front so I knew what I was doing. And I really struggled talking to the other members, and a lot of socialising had to be done. I was lucky the club staff knew I was autistic.

I never thought of it that way before. I can remember numerous times I've been angry, frustrated, etc., and my parents jumped down my throat about it ranting for hours how if I get angry at the wrong time it's going to cost me just about everything, job, friends, and so on, yet my sister could act like that and it was OK. I'd point this out and would be told "You know how she is," and when I would point out the double standard of how she can do it without consequence and there's always consequences for me, I'd just get a dumb look. I never understood why everything was OK for her and wrong for me. Double standards are something I just can't grasp.

My parents used to love that line about how we all have to do things we don't want to, yet in our house, it only seemed to apply to me. My sister never had to give up what she wanted to do for me, yet I had to give up what I wanted to do at moment's notice for her. I can remember numerous incidents in which I had to do an activity and couldn't stop when I wanted to, yet my sister could up and leave when she wanted to. My feelings didn't matter, but her's did.

I can remember when keeping my happy was quite easy, I could be just stuck in a room with a few of my interests, and I'd be fine for hours on end. I could never understand why my sister and I had to be practically fused to each other, instead of her doing her thing, and me doing mine. Our parents cared about her feelings, but not mine.

I never did like spending time with my sister much, mainly because we liked very different activities and even when we'd try to share any activity, she always had to have her way, always had to be in charge, etc. If I ever tried to do something I wanted, she'd say we couldn't, or if I tried to assert myself and insist we try something my way, she'd get up and walk out. She thought her feelings mattered, but mine didn't.

I'll just never understand NT propensity for double standards and their refusal to understand that forced socialization does not work.

I guess it depends on the person.
There is a lot of pressure though. When I was younger, I was subjected to it by my family who wanted the best for me.

I was forced to do lots of extracurricular activities and sports. In fact my parents obsessions were to send me on all sorts of random extra-curricular activities and sports! They wanted to make jolly sure that my so called "poor gross-motor skills" were eliminated for good.

These activities kept me fit, I learned lots from them. I even earned several mini-awards and certificates. Some of them could even save me or another person's life in an emergency.

Doing these activities meant that when I did go to school, I was already a step ahead of most of the other kids. Some of the kids were amazed at how well I could trampoline, how fast I could swim and how well I played racket sports. When one teacher said I played well, but looked "odd", my parents were furious. It was almost as if all our hard work hadn't eliminated the dreaded coordination issue.

I swear that one of my parents had aspirations for me to become superhuman as a result of all my physical training and expected me to "fly to the moon and back".

One problem they overlooked though...

Now I'm adult and my parents don't book any sports activities for me, I can't go.
I'm great at the mechanics of each activity and following instructions (if they're clear and unambiguous).

Ironically, the most frightening thing about booking an abseiling course would be making a booking with the lady at the desk and finding people to accompany me .

I'm a fearless and competent abseiler when I'm doing the activity though. Some normal people would be too scared of heights. I'm just petrified of the people, a sheer vertical cliff to me seems like nothing in comparison.

My paternal grandmother was like 'my mother' in many, many ways, and so I think of her that way......she was 'good' for me, in a way.....but she DIDN'T KNOW I WAS in the spectrum.....because back then Asperger's wasn't part of our cultural knowledge base.........no one much even knew it existed in heartland USA......in the sixties.....anyway, to answer your question.....my grandmother (a teacher) made me try out for and be in plays.......I always got 'small' parts, of course....hahahaha.....but I did it because she told me to......anyway...one time after the production of one of those plays was over....she told me I had to go to the 'cast party'....I was just a little gradeschool kid.....and at the party there were all ages of people gathered together.......I was scared to go there by myself, but she made me go......I didn't understand ANY of it...it made NO SENSE to me at all. I was very uncomfortable there, I must say. I was glad to leave. To her it was a 'big deal', but to me it was a strange and discomforting burdensome chore. Who am I, Why am I here? I had NO idea, really. ..That reminds me of Jr. High School.....the worst years of my life......I remember when all the whole grade went on busses on a field trip...........I was SO alone.........I never felt so alone in all my life......All alone.....I noted how everyone else interacted....but I did not KNOW HOW. ......I didn't know HOW to join in..........It was all ONE BIG MYSTERY to me.....what it was that made all those kids so happy, interactive, and excited amongst themselves.......I felt like I was invisible.............and I admit...it is painful to be invisible in the midst of ALL THOSE KIDS..........Sola

I had similar life experience. My father chose my degree in college after telling me I couldn't study what I wanted to. He said everyone will get a computer programming degree so there's not going to be enough jobs. Yeah right. So I did what he said, got a degree in what he ordered me to and have never gotten a job in that field because there are no jobs in that field. I eventually got smart and moved West too and finally got to live on my own terms. He has been trying for the past 11 years to talk me into moving back and I'm like heck no I'm not going back to some hillbilly town where everyone is backwards and have you try to control my life.

You young people have convinced me- I have a doctor who I will see next week that always tells me stories about her Aspie teenage son. She's told me how she had actually paid other kids to come over and play with him and tried all the forced socialization crap. I'm seeing her next week so I will make a point to tell her to stop forcing her son to do things because we Aspies are usually much more content being on our own. Maybe it will save at least one young person from forced social events and even worse forced dating.

This doctor isn't a mental health professional I hope. I can't imagine what kind of counseling she'd give if that is what she does at home. That's one mental health doctor I'd want nothing to do with.

My parents never tried to do forced dating on me thank goodness. They didn't believe in dating in high school but in college, they did try to pressure me to get interested in it. They told me I should find a girl like the younger sister of one my sister's friends. They didn't specifically suggest this girl because she already had a long term boyfriend, but did kind of hint at it when it looked like they were having problems because she wanted to get married soon since she was graduating(as was I) and he still had a few years of school left. I never could find a girl in college I had anything in common with, so I didn't date anyone there.

Another thing my mother went through was trying to get me to wear men's cologne. She'd offer me some samples she'd gotten at a department store and when I wasn't interested she would get upset. Another time she offered me a bottle and I turned it down, and she got upset again. Finally she gave me some as a gift and insisted I wear it. I put it on occasionally just so she'd shut up. When I moved out, I seldom ever put it on again, other than when I was around her and once it ran out, stopped altogether. I'm now married to someone who doesn't like perfumes or cologne that much, so now I have a more than valid excuse not to wear it<grin>.

I think paying kids to hang out with her son is totally pathetic. I think she's a horrible excuse for a parent and a human being. I say let the kid be free to be himself. He'll be better off in the long run.

My situation is that I wanted to do some activities, but didn't get to do the things I wanted to do. I didn't like socialization activities, but i liked taking classes where is is a solitary thing, such as ceramics, art classes, etc.

Actually she is a medical doctor not a mental health doctor. I don't think she meant any harm to her son she just worried because he has no friends and used to complain about no one wanting to play with him.

In a way its no different than one of my friends who tries to insist that I get involved in theater just because she likes theater and thinks its not healthy for me to spend the evenings at home. I've of course pointed out to her though that I have absolutely no interest in theater, plays and such.

The thinking behind it was/is that your sister is 'normal', and you aren't. Therefore even if your parents did think she was overreacting somewhat, her basic reasoning behind the events that made her angry would be understandable to them, whereas your reasons for becoming angry about things wouldn't. I don't like double standards either.

Dancing lessons when I was in the 5th grade. parents thinking that I'd become more social if I have a social environment where I could interact with people like asking a girl if she wanted to dance. God what torture people can put us through even though they mean well.

Same here. That's probably why I found art and ceramics so therapeutic and enjoyable. I had to work on my own at my own pace.

It's the "all join hands and join in everyone!" activities with tens of people that I really can't comprehend or enjoy very much. It's just too much noise and I wonder how they can all sync up. I just can't keep track of it all. My brain is desperately trying to tell me to do my own thing or a "variation on the theme" in front of everyone else. Pantomimes were the worst: too much noise, lots of kids screaming and lots of "join in" songs. I struggle with joining in and syncing up with lots of other people: this is why I never take step-aerobics or dance classes. I just can't keep up and sync my body all at once. Everyone would step to the right and I'd probably step off to the right somewhere on the wrong foot. I've found that the torture and embarrassment just isn't worth it.

As someone who's been shuttled to lots of extra curricular sports activities, I found that they hardly improved my socialisation skills at all. My socialisation skills were only improved marginally such by asking the teacher questions or saying commands/phrases we'd been taught. I hardly interacted with anyone on the courses socially. I just went through the mechanics and protocol of doing the activity, following any rules to the letter. Sometimes the lesson was so jam packed with material that there weren't any opportunities to socialise at all.

I've found that I can get to know people better in smaller class sizes with less noise and distraction. People seemed friendlier then and more relaxed. I have difficulty understanding the social mechanics of chatty collaborative activities and what they're meant to achieve.