I am 15 help me with this... please.

Post Reply New Topic

Welcome to WP!

Exactly.

Thank you! This is great, I looked everywhere for a good site like this one!

You sound like a *great* person, and your mother sounds like she has some issues, big time. She sounds a lot like my mother was. Totally overwhelming and very controlling. Like a whirlwind.

Does your father stand up for you? Maybe you could talk with him about it and see if you two can work out a strategy. Your mother's screaming must be getting to him as well. You definitely need an ally in the family, and it sounds like your dad understands you.

I am going to try to catch him alone and talk to him tomorrow about what has been happening and how much Mom goes overboard. I don't know if it will do any good, but it is worth the chance, right?

Your mother sounds pretty much like mine. Actually your entire situation seems like mine. You have a NT brother who you get along with well. Also a Semi-aspie father (very mild case, but you can see where you get it from) who is kind, caring, and compassionate, but generally likes to stay out of the way and avoid confrontation. And a highly bothersome mother. You can get strait A's and do everything right, but she will never ever be happy, and will just find something else to nag about. You might want to read this article:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissist ... y_disorder

Specifically the section about Various clinical views. There are also several other articles on the web about this if you just want to Google it. I'm not sure this exactly describes your mother, but it certainly describes mine (and neshamaruach's), and your mother sounds similar.

If you read this article and a couple others about narcissism and decide that it doesnt sound like your mother then please ignore the rest of this post. However, if you decide it sounds like your mother then read on to find out how I dealt with the situation.

As far as reasoning with your mother, I am afraid I dont have much good advice. I was never able to get my mother to understand anything that conflicted with her preconceived ideas, even if I had a mountain of evidence to support me. If your mother is like mine, then trying to get her to lighten up is like trying to squeeze water from a rock. The only way I was able to tolerate the situation was to limit contact as much as possible, and move away as soon as I could. I never found an effective strategy to reasoning with her.

At first I tried to pacify her by living up to her expectations, but that quickly proved impossible. My mother would complain that I dont have enough friends, but when I played games with my friends she would complain that I was spending too much time playing games, and not enough time doing important things like studying (despite having a 3.7 GPA). She would complain that I am not social enough, but when I brother went to parties she complained that he didnt spend enough time with the family. Overall, I dont suggest trying to pacify her by doing what she wants. Even if you do everything asked of you, she will just find another thing to complain about. Don't bother working yourself to death, it wont make her change.

The only tactic I ever found that worked reasonably well was a policy of scorched earth. The basic tactic is simple: First you need to accept that you dont have any special ties to your mother. She is simply the crazy women that you have to live with because you cant financially support yourself yet. Don't bother trying to think of her as a loving parent who will support you because she will just use your love against you as a guilt trip. Furthermore, dont try to reform her, or help her come around. I know I wanted nothing more then for my mother to be loving and accepting, but that just isnt going to happen. There is no use spending your time, effort, and hopes on something that wont happen. Simply accept that your mother is a highly manipulative, bothersome person who will never treat you with the respect that all humans deserve.

Once you can get over the emotional attachment, the next part is easy. Whenever your mother tells you to do something, act very rude, and angry (yelling may be appropriate, use your best judgment). Your mother will obviously become enraged and yell back, try to punish you, etc. In the short term you may have to absorb some losses as she tries to 'correct' your behavior by punishing you. But you have to think long term. If you constantly create an environment of tension where your mother gets yelled at every time she tries to talk to you then she will quickly learn to avoid you. The idea is to give your mother a panic attack every time she thinks about interacting with you. She will probably label you as the problem child and complain about you, but she was going to complain anyways. If you can schedule yourself and find activities away from her (such as playing on your computer in your room while she watches TV someplace else) then you should be able to avoid her fairly easy. Once you stop being an easy target, your mother will start to avoid you. I should point out that if you do use this technique, make sure you only use it on your mother. If you treat everybody poorly (father, teachers, etc.) then you will be labeled as a problem child by the school, and problems will ensue. Make sure you dont cause any collateral damage.

I dearly wish that I could give you better advice. I wanted nothing more then a loving healthy relationship with my mother, but I just never found out a way to make it work. Your not the problem here, so changing yourself isnt going to work, your mother is the one who needs to change. But since she wont listen to anything you have to say, its a waste of time to try fixing the situation. If you lived anywhere near Waco TX, I would be happy to come talk to your mother and try to get some sense into her, but I doubt she will listen to anything that makes her seem like she is the problem.

unfornatly you can't control other people so your best option is to fix the problem inherent that is making you melt down in whatever form it takes. As its a highly individual thing I can't give you help with that. If you can't do it alone use a therapist if you can find a good one. Either way no matter what your mom did you have accountability for your own actions so blaming your mother exclusively won't help.

Different tack;

What bothers you more?

1) Having to meet with other AS?
or

2) The fact that it was your mother who wanted you to go?

I read that and she does it the profile, even the past, with the critical parent and lack of emotional contact growing up. Everything you said really sounds like her as well. I was trying to get her to listen and understand. Sometimes I argue when people tell me I can't fix something. In this case though, I think you are absolutely right, I can't fix it. You are right too, in that I shouldn't try, because I have tried already tell I fell exhausted from the whole situation. I am going to try what you said in dealing with her. I want to thank you so much for this advice. I think what you wrote will really help. Thank you!! !



That's what I want to do, just keep myself calm.




Neither, the not letting me even think for a minute is what started to freak me out.

It's definitely worth the chance. And if your father doesn't get it the first time, be persistent so that he understands your distress and how important it is to you to have an ally.

It sounds like your mother, Tracker's mother, and my mother belong to the same karmic group. My solution was to leave home as soon as I was able and move 3000 miles away. It helped significantly.

At the moment, you're kind of in a holding pattern. You're not old enough to live on your own yet, but I agree with those who advise you to start planning for that day. It's good to have a plan, and it will help you remember that the difficulties of the present will one day pass and you will have control over your life.

I am much older (40's) but have the same issue : I cannot stand to be asked the same question repeatedly, or any sort of verbal repetition.

I may be biased, but it sounds like your mom is the one with the problem.

To ask someone a question over and over like that isn't asking - it's badgering in an attempt to get you to change your answer. Given your sensitivity to it, that's coercive. Blackmail, essentially.

A freudian would say she is deliberately causing you to melt down, so she can then blame and resent you.
Some might even say she is exploiting your neurology in an abusive way. Then again, perhaps she doesn't realize the effect it has on you, or is unable to contain her behavior when she is excited.

In any case, I think you have every right to insist she stops. Bringing a second adult (and possibly a third) is probably your best bet.

Ironically, bringing your mother with you into an Aspie counselor might be an ideal situation. Just make sure to be assertive and make sure this issue comes to the forefront. Rehearse a line, and be assertive, "There are lots of issues, but there is one in particular that I want to address in this session. I will be most disappointed if we leave without some discussion of this. I tend to melt down when my mother repeats the same question over and over. There must be another way to communicate."

In other words, put her on the spot a bit. She may be a little suprised, as she has come in to "fix you". But the therapist should pick right up on it and turn the tables.

Here is what you can do:

1. Detach. She has issues, you can see it. You can't change her so you need to deal with her. The next time she does something like that, don't get worked up, just think to yourself 'what a freak' and

2. Withdraw cooperation. Tracker suggested yelling or hiding, but that would mean you'd either need to loose your cool or bottle up. Don't. There is no reason to lose nerve over this or develop mental disorders. You can keep your cool by staying on top of the game at all times:

the nasty way:

she tells you to do X
you refuse
she says it again
and then you say, very calmly, "i think you have Narcissistic personality disorder because you can't listen"
she says something and unless you want to respond to whatever she says
you say "i wonder if they'll lock you up when you are 60"
she says something
and you say "do you think your girlfriends will come to visit you in the lock up?"
you get the gist...

or a more neutral way

she tells you to do X
you refuse
she says it again
and you say "Two crocodiles were flying. One was green, the other was going to Africa, too. How much does a pound of fried nails cost?"
whatever she says
you say "Jack and Jill went up the hill"
whatever she says
"to fetch a pail of water"

Continue ad nauseum till she stops and leaves you alone. She might start yelling, accusing you of being a brat, saying that you are ungrateful, threatening, but if you just keep with your strategy she'll have to give up. Nobody can talk to a brick wall forever.
React in this way every time she repeats something to which you have responded more than once or every time you find her reaction inappropriate. That way you clearly set boundaries and there is no way she can get to you if you refuse to respond. Let her feel that once the matter is discussed once it's closed and she is wasting her time; let her know that you are cooler than her. You are old enough, just be mature

my father actually does that to me in a very friendly way. Every time I say something like
"when will you stop smoking?" he smiles disarmingly and says "when this cigarette is finished'. Or "please give up smoking' he'd say "i can give it down". Once he in that mode no matter what I say he just responds with some funny nonsense.




Oh no, please don't freak out because your parent is dysfunctional. She's somebody you've been dealt with by life, some people get worse. Just grow up, talk to her like an independent adult. She's not going to like it but who cares, she has very little control over you now, and soon she'll have none.

I like this story a lot. If you don't like sci-fi, just think of it as a parable

Google: 'And Then There Were None' by Eric Frank Russell

sorry, it does not let me post URLs

Short answer "NO" can be interpreted by your mom as not even wishing to think about opportunity of AS group and analyse its advantages and drawbacks. May be, it will be reasonable to speak with your mom about AS group in more detailed way. It means asking some questions about the group and express your attutute to this idea (not in telegraph style).