I haven't read this whole thread (don'thave time), so sorry if I repeat anything that was said...
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It's hard to think of other things to say sometimes though. I like this from the website you linked:
First accept the feelings, then address the behavior.
Yes that's a good one to remember.
The toughest scenario is when I don't want to allow a person to run roughshod over me if they are venting wildly, to the point of attacking me or insulting me. A lot of times I would have a kneejerk response to just invalidate the person, but it has never once helped or resolved anything. It was just like throwing fuel on the fire.
Also I know it doesn't work to just carefully phrase things so they don't sound offensive, because if my underlying intent is to tell someone they are behaving like an idiot, that intent is still going to come through loud and clear no matter how I say it.
What we think of to say comes out of our own feelings, attitudes, perspectives, etc. It's not always easy to change in the moment when you are interacting with someone. But when I notice things that come to mind, things that probably aren't good for me to say, I can think them over later when the pressure is off and see if I can change my perspective on it.
Agreed. The major things I take issue with with my husband are things that affect our children and as their mother, my instinct is to figuratively slap him. We usually communicate by writing during an argument, originally not for this reason, but I do find it helps me react in a way that hopefully yields better results.
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But I'm not really clear on how to do this honestly. My instinct is to say "That's a stupid thing to freak out over" because it is a stupid thing to freak out over, but he usually knows that intellectually, so me stating it doesn't help him.
I think this is just a really common reaction people have, like I said above, it is basically an attempt to reason with the person, when rationality is probably the last thing they want or need in that moment.
It can be kind of a distancing thing too, like "oh I would never freak out the way this person is doing" but everyone freaks out over things that might seem stupid to others, or even to ourselves. No one is immune to it. What I've realized though is that there actually aren't any stupid things to freak out over. It's all a matter of perspective. Sometimes what seems like a small, inconsequential thing is actually a symbol or reminder of something much bigger. And sometimes people just need to release feelings that are building up inside them.
If I label something "stupid" it's kind of like I am presuming to know all the inner emotional workings of that person...and when really, I don't know. I would rather see it as an opportunity to get to know more about what is going on inside them.
That bolded paragraph, I think that's very true.
I've never had a problem with this for children. Children have a different POV than adults because they're children, so sometimes they feel a certain way about things that an adult would not feel. My policy has always been that it's okay if you're angry that you can't have ice cream for dinner, but it's not okay that you're biting me because you can't have ice cream for dinner. In other words, you need express your anger in a more appropriate fashion, but it is okay that you're angry. It's okay that they're angry because they don't have the life experience or understanding to know why they can't ice cream for dinner (sometimes you can actually- just not every day.. heh heh). I think why this is easier for me with children than it is with adults, like my husband, because I have authority over children and they are obliged to listen to me. I don't have that authority over adults and I don't want to boss my husband around like that either. Also, although I would explain to the child why we are not having ice cream for dinner, I wouldn't expect them to suddenly change their mind, especially if they are 2...
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Generally speaking, I think it doesn't really matter how you intended it- it mostly just matters what the impact was. This is on a feminism website but I think it's relevant:
http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/07/int ... ly-matter/I agree with this somewhat, although I think intentions ultimately do matter...when people get defensive about their intentions it tends to escalate conflict. It can also be used as an excuse too easily ("I didn't mean to...") when people aren't being very self-aware, or sincere.
If a person goes overboard justifying their intentions it kind of throws up a red flag to me...like maybe this person is more concerned with how other people see them, than they are with how they actually impact other people.
I think the intentions effect the impact sometimes, but once the impact has happened, it doesn't matter what the intention was.
E.g. Someone said "Wow, I wish I could write amazing music as effortlessly as you can!" and they are genuinely amazed by your ability. You could freak out and say, "ARE YOU SAYING I DON'T PUT EFFORT INTO MY MUSIC?! How dare you!"... or... you could realise that they intended that as a compliment that your music is amazing and you apparently make writing it look effortless because you're so good at it, and take it as a compliment. I think most people would take it as a compliment because they would understand the intent. The person is not insulting you, so you're probably not going to feel insulted.
On the other hand.
E.g. Someone said "When are you due? [to have a baby]" and you're not pregnant. The person who said that may have genuinely thought you were pregnant, but you now know for sure that you are fat enough that people think you look pregnant. If you're sensitive about your weight, that's going to upset you. And it doesn't matter at all if the person meant to hurt to you or not.
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Mum to two awesome kids on the spectrum (16 and 13 years old).
28 May 2015, 3:23 am
