Invalidation

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Too? I would say that people need to care for their own well-being first.

Thank you, I really appreciate that.

That's quite a dilemma you've put yourself in. I hope you find a way out of it.

I did consider the use of the word too, but quite often parents seem prioritize their childrens needs above their own, the same if a loved one is ill, so it felt more accurate to use the word too in the context of balance within a relationship.

Ive said some of those things on that list to other people, I didn't intend to invalidate, regardless though I did invalidate them, and I reckon Ill do it again, no matter how hard I try not to.

So, never seems impossible, unless I walk around constantly prioritizing not invalidating other people. Its meant to be an absolute. To me having a balance means imperfection, while trying not to invalidate.

I think "but what about my feelings" is invalidating because if someone said that to me I'd feel they were making me guess how they feel and what to do. However, I don't feel I'm necessarily obligated to invalidate myself in order to validate others. If I am bothered by something and feel I need something, I don't see it as necessarily invalidating someone for instance who is screaming at me to say that I don't like being screamed at and please stop, or that I won't continue the conversation. Others might not agree, but I feel there's a big difference between an honest statement how I feel and what I want while acknowledging the other person may not comply, versus "what about my feelings". In your situation I don't see where you're wrong if you say you feel frustrated by all your husband is not doing, and he may in fact feel the same way. Nor does it have to be invalidating for you to have limits, we all need some limits what we tolerate from the world.

I do agree with this and you raised a really good point. It's not invalidating to set limits. If I feel like the person is really directing their emotions AT me, and doing something that crosses my boundaries, I would ask them to stop. Or sometimes I would not even ask, I might just walk away and leave them to it. Sometimes a person can be so caught up in their own emotions that I feel like there really isn't anything I could say to them.

I've been in situations before where I felt like I had to tolerate people taking their emotions out on me, and I allowed some really abusive behaviors to go on...and inevitably I would have a knee-jerk reaction to fight back and attack the person. It would rise up like that because I had suppressed and invalidated my own emotions for so long.

"What about my feelings?" is exactly the kind of idea that would pop up in my mind at those times...not that I recall saying that exact phrase, I recall saying things that were far worse, but in any case it popped up like that because I had been putting all my feelings aside for the sake of the other person and/or whatever circumstances were going on.

It seems like people have the idea that not invalidating others means being self-sacrificing...well that kind of thinking sounds all too familiar to me, and it sounds like codependency. Also people keep talking as if not invalidating oneself and not invalidating others are two opposite polarities...actually, they go hand in hand.

Emotional invalidation arises out of not understanding and honoring emotions...including one's own. If a person invalidates their own emotions, it's pretty much inevitable that they will invalidate other people's emotions as well. It will just spontaneously arise out of a person's own self-talk, and come out in the way they talk to other people. Likewise if a person validates their own emotions, it is more natural to respect how others feel.

That makes sense. I wish I could figure out a different approach. The one thing that's just really hard to move on from are people who are on my post, talking about me, and occasionally asking me questions and then ignoring the answer (I suppose that one could be explained by "they got the answer, that's done." but ignoring my questions or the comments with info? I just don't know... and I wasn't the only one who noticed and got mad, for once. That took me by surprise.)

There's a blogger online right that people have been mentioning off and on for the past 5+ years who takes anything said that doesn't agree with her views as an insult, and has even doxxed a woman because this woman asked for her money back on a product from the blogger. Sometimes there's no pleasing anyone, and why I try not to take anything as offensive, or try to figure out where the other person is coming from.

This is a lot more realistic, from my experience, it's usually not a one-sided thing (one person is wrong, the other person is right). Anytime I have said mean or wrong things to him it has been a built up resentment coming to the surface like you said. Where I disagree is in the invalidation part- it seems opposite than what you're saying. When I validate myself and think, "My life sucks and my husband is useless and doesn't help me because he's as ass", I tend to start feeling resentful, and that's when I say the wrong things. When I invalidate myself, and think, "Get over yourself, your life is fine, stop feeling sorry for yourself, etc." I tend to be less resentful, and therefore more compassionate and nice. The rest of what you said sounds right though so it could just be my totally dysfunctional thinking, who knows, LOL.

It's possible to disagree with a reaction without being invalidating.


This isn't realistic at all. In any real life scenario a guy like that has to be angry about something else before being cut off. Being cut off is just the trigger. He's also probably completely out of his mind, so it isn't really even reasonable to debate the morals of his decided action. It's better to just talk about the consequences for him. I mean, does anyone want waste a big chunk of their life away in jail for murder? Or get shot by police?

Those things probably wouldn't work though. They would probably just make him angrier. In that situation you have to be practical, not moral. Just try get him to reconsider. Maybe he has family. Remind him of that. Invalidating him won't work. That's what police are trained to do (or at least they should be). That is if they aren't in a position to immediately stop him.


Honestly, I'd call the police and have them deal with him. If someones that angry and out of control I'd be at risk of getting shot myself if I interfered.