needing a clear invitation. Is this an aspie thing?

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katzefrau wrote:

I can very much relate to this flipside as well.

I have tried to explain to people that I care much more about be able to 'complete' the issue in my mind and stop thinking about it, or make further plans based on the outcome of their answer to an invitation, than their answer itself.

Unfortunately normal people seem to take this as an insult and an indication I am completely indifferent to the friendship, however this is not the case.

Tell me what you want and I will try to reproduce it with reasonable accuracy, make me guess and I will resent you for it.


WP is the only place that I have heard my words come out of another person. funny how it works that way

Thanks guys, now I don't have to say it.

I second this haha.

But really, I love this site. Because I have such a hard time articulating myself, I can't really express where I have difficulties so easily. WP helps because other people can put into words what I've been thinking in my head.

I will go ahead and echo what many others here have said. I don't go anywhere with people unless I'm specifically invited. I've learned the hard way that to assume anything else will likely lead to disappointment. But here's the problem. I tell people this in the hopes that they'll understand I would like to join them and the next time they go out they'll invite me, but I found it usually leads to the opposite result.

Here's a story. I had a "friend" from work and on occasion she and some others would invite me to go out with them; I usually went, as it was something that rarely happened to me. On other occasions they would make plans to go out with me present in the room and make no sign or indication of wanting me to join them. I brought this up with my "friend" and said that I was feeling left out. She said that the next time they went out to just go ahead and join up. Fast forward. A co-worker, part of this group, asked me, "Hey, where were you on Saturday?" Me: "What do you mean?" Co-worker: "Didn't you get the e-vite?" Me: "No." Co-worker: "Oh." Never had another invite. Somewhat typical of my experiences.

An open invitation such as 'come round anytime' even from my family is hard for me to work round. One brother's partner often has friends and neighbours come in past while I am there and I just feel so awkward, they joke and I feel even worse.

I need a clear invitation, too.

I don't know if I'm an aspie or if I just have a lot of traits (son is diagnosed), but I tell people who I like and want to be friends straight up that I don't get casual invites. I just find positive ways of saying things. Like I wouldn't say "you need to be clear that you specifically want me to come" because that sounds really boring and uptight (I wouldn't want to be friends with THAT me); I say stuff like "I'm such a ditz, you know I don't do subtle, tell me straight or don't tell me at all!" It seems to work for me anyway. I don't really know how to explain it any better than I find making a joke of my difficulties is what works the best. I'm far from being miss popularity but I've always had more friends than my definitely aspie brothers. They had a couple of associates they played D&D with and that was it. They were always very short and serious and moody with people though. Even I don't like them. I'm bringing my asd son up the same as me, trying to just laugh at our difficulties and focus on our good points and be positive people. Like thinking about why other people should want to include us, eg because we make good jokes (okay bad ones). People have to have a reason to want to include you.

I prefer for people to make their intentions clear. A vague invitation makes me wonder if I'm intruding where I'm not wanted, and I've had invitations generally extended as a matter of courtesy...only to later learn they really didn't want me to accept (if I had noted their tone and manner when they offered, I would have realized it wasn't sincere).

My Mum used to tell me: Are you invited? If not, don't go! It's not for you!

I don't trust people and even if they want me to be somewhere, I won't go. I don't know if it's clear. Maybe it's paranoid, but at least I've never been like Carrie (this girl from King's novel).

If I want to go, I ask Is it also for me?

I tend to just assume I'm not invited to things, no one would be happy to see me at a party and I wouldn't be happy going.