Are we more judgmental than NTs?

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I think I am more judgmental than some people, don't know about them being on or off the spectrum. Some things really irritate me and I let people know what they are.

I prefer to focus on a persons good deeds or points, everyone makes mistakes regardless if the are on the spectrum or not.

Yes I think we are. They portrayed exactly that in a film about a relationship between an Aspie man and a (presumably) NT woman. The guy ended the relationship because the woman told him a "white lie" to trick him into meeting her parents before he felt ready. A friend talks to the guy and tells him that he once had a partner who he dumped because of one little mistake she'd made, and that he'd regretted it for the rest of his life.

I was incredibly perfectionist with my first serious partner, and always felt completely betrayed whenever she did anything that suggested she wasn't completely head over heels about me. My love turned to contempt because I interpreted her shortcomings as not giving a damn about me. Perfectionism has also given me problems in subsequent relationships, though it's rather more debatable whether or not I was justified in rejecting them. One of them told me she was going to see a movie with her son and then I found out she'd actually been to a sleazy night club (a reknowned "knocking shop") - the moment I knew the truth, I could no longer see how I was ever going to be able to trust her again, and all I could see was a lifetime of anxiety for me......I didn't even want to hear what she did at that night club, the mere deception was enough proof that she was wrong for me. We limped on for a week or two more, but essentially she was dead the minute I uncovered that lie. The relationship was over a year old when that happened. Was I too harsh? I don't think so. The lie that the guy in the film had to cope with was a lot more benign.

On the other hand, I have huge problems in reconciling myself to judging anybody - even tyrannical people who practically everybody else hates, I always tend to get hung up on that shadow of doubt, because it's so hard to prove categorically that somebody is bad.....things aren't always the way they seem, and I always fear misconstruing what I see, the way I've so often been misconstrued. And the guilty always seem to think they're innocent....maybe they're just doing what they think is right, just as I do?

She blocked all male friends, even those she only intended to be friends with.

Despite not having very many friends, I even worked on not being needy, and spacing any correspondence to maybe once every week or every 2 weeks (before she cut contact).

And not only do I not have very many friends, I lost one of the few friends I could relate to, and my feelings were never considered. Maybe if I renounced Christianity and started voting Democratic, people would like me better.

Last edited by Tim_Tex on 25 May 2010, 11:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Doing a bad thing is not always a "mistake" to the person doing it. Half the time they think they're always right.

I know a "know it all". She thinks she is always right and that is what I will likely remember her for, and not in a good way. She won't think being an insufferable know at all is a "mistake".

I don't know if I'm more judgmental or not but I know other people have thought I am. Because I don't understand or want to participate in a lot of their "normal" social stuff like small talk, gossip, etc and will tell them as much they seem to perceive it as some kind of judgment or snobbery.

My friend doesn't trust people, expects to never have to feel guilt, burdened, inconvenienced, and never have to give emotional support.

I prefer to remember someone for their acts of goodness than their acts of harm.

I am the same way. Of course, it depends on what the thing was that was "bad".

I would say that people with AS tend to be naturally more judgmental that NT"s (I base this on the poll outcome, what I have read on this site and other sources and my own less than stellar judgmental attitude through my late childhood, teens and early to mid twenties).

During my less than stellar, judgmental years, I was very rule oriented. Lies were lies - big or small. I had a very moralistic way of looking at things and I would judge anyone who did not adhere to the same moral code as me.

Thankfully, I got the %^$$ over myself and learned to appreciate other people as autonomous beings who could make their own choices (good/bad/neutral). I concentrated more on ethics than morals.

As soon as I shed my holier than thou attitude - I was able to relate to people better (probably because they felt more comfortable around me and I was able to listen to their individual stories). I also found myself less judgmental towards myself - I was allowed to make mistakes, faux pas, etc. without feeling horrified.

Happily, I am now pretty much non-judgmental and I enjoy life much, much more.

A note though - some people have trouble with the difference between "judgment" and "discernment"

If a heroine addict approached me on the street, I would not judge them. They made some choices which I do not agree with (using an addictive, dangerous, illegal drug). However, I do not know their physical/medical make up, I don't know their social history, I do not know their emotional fabric. How can I say that they are good or bad people. Even if I did know all about them - it is still not my place to look at them as anything less than a human being. No judgment. - HOWEVER -

If the heroine addict asked me to lend them money - I would say "no" - because I'm discerning enough to know that I will very, very likely never see this money again and it will go straight up their arm, possibly causing an overdose or, at best, perpetuating their cycle of addiction.

Judgment - unhealthy.

Discernment - healthy.