NTs here and in other forums...sigh...

Post Reply New Topic

I would never bother to read or post on an 'NT parents with autistic children' type thread as I could predict how it would be. Lots of pretence at being really interested in our opinions mixed with an appalling level of patronisation.

I'd tell them, when little Johnny is old enough just point him in the direction of WP and we'll see if we can help him but the parents will just start organising coffee mornings amongst themselves - this is what NT parents of autistics love to do - socialise just with each other and discuss how stressful it is to have an autistic child. Perish the thought that we might be asked along too! Most autism support groups are about the parents.

We're never 'in the club' as far as they're concerned so why should they presume to be in ours??

I only have to read the words "I'm the parent of an autistic child" and I just switch off, thinking 'Oh really, well go tell it to some other NT parent because you won't be taking a blind bit of notice of anything I say" If you read what most of them say you start to feel very sorry for their poor child as the parent is invariably on a mission to NT-ize them.

I'm not out to NT-ise my son, just help him communicate. At the moment he can't tell us what he wants or when something hurt.
But it was a good rant.

What if your son doesn't want to communicate though? Has that thought ever occurred to you?

NT's are obsessed with communication

People with Autism often just want to 'be' - they do not want to express themselves all the time and you trying to force communication when your son doesn't want to give it is very unfair

I am sure he does communicate with you in his own way when he wants to but because it's not in your 'language' you may be completely overlooking it.

I have communicated with you and all you can do is call it a 'rant' - even if something is said in an annoyed tone it is still communication.

If a person cries it usually means they're upset - that is how you can usually tell they are hurt. Then you look for signs as to what it might be or mimic pointing to where it might hurt

I would reiterate that no communication is not necessarily a bad thing unless a person appears to be in distress and distress in itself is a way a person shows they are upset.

Is your son non-verbal?

How old is he?

Does he have a learning disability?

What about pointing to pictures that might depict what he is trying to express?

Last edited by aeon555 on 20 Aug 2010, 5:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I've read that NT's who live a long time with an aspie start to develop aspie qualities themselves. I can say this is true for me, an NT with an aspie husband, stepson, and mother-in-law. The people I spend the majority of my time with have similar traits and I can see how I've adopted many of those traits over time. (even some sensory integration issues).

At one point before I knew about AS I'd ask my husband a question like "do you ever fantasize about other women" expecting him to say "of course not!! !" but he'd say "yah, sometimes I do"...it was shocking to me...that level of honesty but I learned pretty quickly to ask only if I *really* want a truthful answer. I've come to appreciate directness in others and to try and be more direct (and less passive-aggressive) myself.

I monitor different forums depending on what I'm going through in my life and I've never been really offended on this site. I value parenting advice from teens and adults with AS who have an insiders handle on things, but I also appreciate help from other NT parents who are here to try and help their children.

That's why I'm here...to strengthen my already AWESOME relationship with my aspie husband and stepson.

It seems to me that your success is directly linked to the fact that you aren't trying to change your partner/relatives - you are accepting and appreciating them as they are.

Perhaps he doesn't want to communicate but the other day he was in pain and couldn't tell us what the problem was (I think it was tummy or constipation). He is four, has Autism, and GDD and is non-verbal. The communication we are working with him on developing is non-verbal so that when he has needs he can have them met - e.g. he is hungry or thirsty, or bored etc. But he can't talk, can't point, can't mimic and doesn't understand pictures - yet. He's a lovely boy, and I feel very positive about him and his future regardless of his Autism. I've just been to the park with him and we found a swamp and he jumped in, and learnt about..mud lots of mud!

I tend to stay away from NT forums now. Past experience hasn't been kind to me in such places and I've found most people in such forums hold little tolerance for others' social difficulties.

It must be very difficult trying to work things out.

What is GDD?

Perhaps if you were able to find a person who was autistic and had gone from being
non-verbal to verbal they might be the most likely to be able to interpret?

Also what age do children start teething? Could it be linked to this?

GDD = Global Developmental Delay i.e. not reaching typical milestones within the typical age range.

Ladyrain- I just wanted to clarify---I have been posting here for almost a year, and overall, the responses I have gotten have been very positive. Only once, was I called "stupid" for something I was asking advice on.

Aeon555, I think you are stereotyping NT parents of autistic children. Yes, there may be the group of parents that are trying anything and everything to "cure" their child. But, as for myself, I am truly interested in "helping" my child to be the best that he can be in this world. I am trying to learn as much as I can from the autistic community so that I can be better equipped at helping my child deal with this world. I love my son unconditionally, no matter what his diagnosis or condition is. Unfortunately, there is so much selfishness and unkindness in this world, not everyone is going to accept him. I think it is very unfair to say that just because a parent is NT, that they are not trying to help their child.

Oh, and as far as belonging to groups, Wrong Planet is the ONLY support group that I belong to!

well this forum(site) is dominated by NT's pretending to be AS in my opinion.

the same social rules apply here as in the general public, and people that are the most socially "hip" are the most popular ones.

there are contests of who is the most popular "aspie" and who is the "hottest WP member" etc, and always the same names are lauded by respondents to those threads.

i see empathic responses from people (who say they are AS) that are far beyond what i could personally imagine. i can understand them on a simple level, but i could never have thought of them myself.

most of what goes on here is way above my head and i become dizzy when i try to follow many threads.

like the ferdinand thread "i'm so sorry". that has become a response fest with some unspoken rule that everyone seems to understand, but i have no idea what is appropriate to say in that thread.

responses occur often and i think to myself "how in hell does that relate to anything before it".
i know if i was to say that sentiment in that thread, people who claim they are AS would say things like "just go with the flow dude" or "get with the rhythm moron!".

there are no threads recently which i have any stock of imagination to contribute to because when i read all the replies, i become confused as to where the thread is going.

soon i will dry up with my contributions to threads on wrong planet because my replies are just like casting a line into a river which has been trawled by nets upstream, and no one is interested (if they get through the net) to taste my simple strand of green weed after they are all fed to satisfaction on the "cool dude's" prawns upstream.

anyway, the world is as it is, and when any place becomes attractive, it will be gatecrashed by stronger and better personalities and hijacked for their own self displays of superior rapport and civilly crafted lures to attract people to them.

i am an inferior communicator of inferior sentiments on wrong planet, but i must just accept it in the same way i accept that if i go into a night club (which i have done only twice) where the super stars of personality hang, then i will be unnoticed.

it is like going to the academy awards in ripped jeans and a tee shirt with no fame to claim, and expecting the stars to stop and talk with you. if you get in their way, they will smile fakely as they look over your head for another star to talk to.

they have better things to do than pay attention to me and that is the way it is.

but never the less i do not care about popularity because if i was a star i would shrink from the attention and go home. it is bitter sweet.

I agree with you totally b9. I think it's because a discussion forum is social by its very nature so it will be more likely to attract the more socialised/sociable/verbose types of aspie. I also agree that we have no way of telling just what a person's diagnosis is.

I think a lot depends on the extent to which an aspie has conformed to their culture and the people around them. I think some of us have kept ourselves 'purer' of the prevailing culture than others and as a result we just don't relate to the majority of aspies and wonder if they're even aspie, which in turn annoys these aspies no end. There's no real answer.

Don't think you're alone though. Just because a person doesn't cotton on to the intent of a thread is in no way indicative of a lack of intelligence - it just depends on whether you are on the ame wavelength as the thread creator. I wasn't sure fo the intent of the Ferdinand thread but I joined in anyway.

Stay true to yourself, that is the main thing and don't ever think your sentiments are inferior - I related far more to your post than most I've ever seen on here. People like us are either less common or not bothering to post on forums basically.

I´m surprised that these threads appear on Wrong Planet too. To be honest, I never looked at them, because frankly, I´m not that interested.



Not true! I think that even though people may not always comment on what you write, it doesn´t mean that they are not interested in what you have to say. I, for one, do far more reading on WP than I do commenting. I very often read whole threads which I find very interesting, but I don´t know what to contribute. I hope you don´t stop posting, because I have enjoyed reading your posts so far, even though I may often not say anything. But just so you know.....

I can´t comment on the "I´m Sorry " thread, because I never saw it.

b9 i like reading your posts too. there are lots of things i like to read here that i don't respond to because i don't know what's appropriate or whether the poster would want a response.

DW_a_mom, your explanation about how to talk to parents, which you explain in this thread and explained to me directly, was really informative and helpful to me. every now and then someone says something that evokes a light bulb reaction. i have given that one a lot of thought.

b9, I enjoy your posts a great deal. You have a clarity of viewpoint that lingers in the mind, and I appreciate reading your posts.

Morgana explains it well. I read a lot more than I respond to, but there would be nothing to read if truly interesting people stopped posting.