How do folks with aspergers deal with bereavement

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I break down. I did at my grandfather's funeral a few months ago. I can't handle loved ones dying.

Alone. I keep my sadness to myself. I don't know how to put on a display of emotion. If I talk about it, it is in a matter of fact, practical way.

I cry a lot and run memories through my mind. I don’t care one bit about normal tasks, just about everything seems unimportant. It honestly feels like the end of the world. I feel very guilty of everything I did wrong or didn’t do while they were alive. It takes me a very long time to get over grief. I wanna talk about the deceased but there has never been more than two individuals I could share it with. I would never talk to anyone who tried to cheer me up, I want someone who listens, and not doing that is a deal-breaker.

Even when the worst is past, I can still cry about them occasionally for years to come, and sometimes just feel saddened.

For some reason I am thrown right into the grief when a pet dies, while it takes me longer to grasp it when a family member dies. IDK why that is.

I completely reject everyone I'm not close with. I'm quite good at that at the best of times, but when I lose someone, it's made so clear how unimportant those who aren't close to me are, and I can't be bothered.

I have lost many family members(all my grand parents, uncles aunts.) and I have mourned and cried their lost. But when my father commited suicide 7 years ago my feeling were totally different. I was angry and while I was sad that he was gone, my anger would not let any tears go. I cried only when I saw how sad it made my other family member. My mother and both my brother told me they felt guilt for his death and they still do. For me my anger was probably gone after a year. I came to accept his decision and knowing what I know now, I think his mental Heath was suffering greatly which is why he did this.

My father was most likely mentally ill, he was from a time where being weak mentally was made fun off which is very sad.

Writing this made me miss him.

I don't think I deal with it. I live with the pain. I lost my dad as a child. Never really got over it. And didn't get help about it. My childhood ended that day.

Probably also the reason I dislike alcohol and cars today, since that was part of it.

I lost something of myself that day. The ability to bond to other people in fear of losing them. When you rely on your self you can't be hurt like that again.

I will feel a deep intense sadness and may cry, but will more likely perseverate on what death actually means, and if there is any chance that the person still lives but on a spiritual level. I have done this in the case of every friend and family member who has died. I have no idea if there is what they call life after life, but that's how I grieve.

Oh, and sometimes I will perseverate on the extreme injustice of not just being able to go back in time and either interact with that person again, or maybe prevent their passing altogether.

Lots of perseveration either way, at least when the thought of the person enters my mind.

i didnt understand at first but now i do.

i lost 3 family members last year. My great grandfather, my grandmother (who was very close) and my hedgehog Rose. i get sad, i cry, and feel sad for a few days, maybe angry, and then i think, the person is gone, but it doesnt matter, because everything they did and said is still in my head. so i dont need their physical body. in the case of my hedgehog, she didnt teach me anything or say anything so it wasnt that bad. i got a new hedgehog anyways.

I lost my dad when I was nearly 15. He died because of a stroke so it was very sudden and painful. I still miss him and think about him occasionally. He was the sweetest, most caring man in the world. I loved him very much.
When I look at pictures of our family when he was still alive I get teary eyed.

I don't know a lot of my family members because they live in different parts of the word. I never knew 3/4 of my grandparents and the last one died a half year ago.

Now I only have my mom and brother left.

It's not that different from typical people.

For me, losing someone I love is like having a hole knocked in my life. It's like they're part of the structure of who I am, part of my routine and my environment, and losing them is like losing part of my own existence. Not like, losing part of my identity; more like losing a part of my (mental construct of) home.

I don't tend to cry when I lose someone. I'm not unemotional; I cry when I am disappointed, when I fail a test or when I'm tired and frustrated, or when a pet dies. But when a human dies, it's different. It's a much quieter feeling, like I'm trying to figure out how to rearrange my life, work around that big hole. It's like, at first I can't understand what it means that they're gone; and gradually I start to understand and accept it. It takes literally years. My aunt died last year and I am still kind of figuring out what that means.

As far as I can tell, this is a lot like how typical people grieve. Maybe they are more emotionally demonstrative. Maybe they cling to each other more. I know that NTs have an urge to reassert their identities as members of a community when they face the reality of death. But it's not that different. It's a big horrible change that nobody likes, that takes a long while to get used to. People are special; every human being is a little universe. Losing one is the end of an era.

If your kid is like me, they will probably take one of two approaches: Either they'll ask questions, trying to understand death, trying to use their logic. That's okay. Answer the questions, carefully and rationally. It's okay to say you don't know, because let's face it, nobody absolutely knows, short of faith, what happens to people who die. Second possibility is that they will, for a while, be quieter, crankier, and generally have fewer mental resources. This is what happens when we can't articulate the problem or don't trust others to take our questions seriously or have come to understand talking about death as a taboo because it makes others sad. If that is the case, chances are they will deal with it for themselves; if they are older they will probably read about it. As a child with a recently deceased stepfather I became fascinated with ancient Egypt, and developed a phobia of mummies. That was part of how I grieved, I think.

Three years ago, when my mum had told me that my great uncle had died (he was like a grandfather to me as my real grandfather had abandoned my dad when he was very young, and was like a father to my dad) I didn't feel any emotion. My mum, who was crying lots, hugged me but I didn't hug her back. I just silently went back into my room, shut the door, plugged my hearing aids into my computer and continued listening to music. It was only when my dad came home and started crying hysterically after hearing the news, the realisation of it all hit me and I broke down.

I think about my uncle a lot, every day pretty much. Sometimes, I cry because I miss him a lot and would do anything to see him again. I still haven't gotten over his death and I don't think I ever will. I cherish and relive every memory that I have of him.

I feel you. I experience the same.

I am like this as well.

I am glad this thread was brought back up, as I was thinking of starting a thread to do with grieving.

My mother passed away 3 years ago July 26th from cancer. She went into the hospital a week before, so I had time to process what was going to happen, and to talk to her about things. I still come up with questions on things that I wished I had asked her but didn't think of at the time. Like stuff from my childhood, or what my father is like, who at the time I had never met. (He showed up on my doorstep out of the blue a year and a half ago, but that's another story.)

I act as though she is watching over me. Like if something funny or amazing or stupid happens, if I'm alone, I'll say "did you see that, mother?" or talk to her as though she is right above me watching.

My naturopath thinks I have an emotional blockage and that it's contributing me being sick. I started to get fibro/CFS before she died but he thinks it's gotten worse since she died and that the blockage inside me is a contributing factor to my not being able to get well. Now that I read of other Aspies' reactions to death, perhaps I'm not so unusual or 'blocked' after all.

I have not cried. I feel the loss of my mother deeply in my heart. Sometimes I'll just blurt out randomly "I miss you, mother" when I'm alone. I wish I would have a good cry. Maybe some day it will happen. I don't know why I'm so stoic about it. Perhaps because I believe in reincarnation? I've told her (as though she's watching me) that I hope she is my mother again in the next life.

When I was working in the coffee shop, once in a while a woman would come in wearing the same perfume my mother wore, and instantly I would be thinking of her. (It's said that scent is the sense most closely tied to memory.)

When my aunt came up here from Florida to help with my mother's things and pay for the cremation, she bawled her eyes out a couple times. I would just sit there till she was done. I didn't know I was Aspie back then, but I would wonder what was wrong with me that I didn't seem to be reacting normally. Later she said that I seemed to "be so strong".

I am like this with pets I've lost too. I have had at least one cat all my life, and I've had to have them put down from illness, and I feel the loss of them deeply in my heart, but I don't cry.

My grandma died a couple years ago now, it was hard and I cried a lot. I was closer with my grandma than I was pretty much anyone. She was 85 but she died pretty suddenly, nobody expected it but I saw her getting weaker her last few months and she talked about death often. My mom wanted to be with her family but I just really wanted to be alone. The funeral gave me a lot closure but I didn't like dealing my other family members so much. I can talk about her now but I can still tear up, I think about her often and miss her every day. I feel like I dealt with in a pretty normal and healthy way.

Like a lot of my emotions the ones surrounding death get delayed. When it first happens I am confused and shutdown somewhat and thus am "inappropriately" non emotional. Later on people wonder why unlike them I can't move on. I can't move on from something I am first starting to process and feel.

The hardest days for me a lot of time is the first day back at regular routine. After not reacting to the rituals set up for that purpose the first day to "move on" is really tough for me for exactly that reason. The reality that life is going on without said person gets to me.

The rituals set up for mourning are just super annoying. Crowds, uncomfortable suits, Endless people hugging and kissing me. People I haven't seen in decades acting like I see them every day. At the exact moment I need to be ALONE I have to put on an extreme NT act. Writing this I have realized why I have delayed reaction. Thank you OP

Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 03 Aug 2014, 9:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I'm not sure how I deal with it. My dad died a few years ago on the day I was going to have my Gallbladder removed. I was being prepped for surgery and I was called to a room where two of my cousins sat and they told me he had passed in his sleep that morning. I was upset that the surgeon cancelled my surgery and my cousins asked me if I wanted to go see my dad. I told them go see my dad, what do you mean you just told me he had died. They were asking me if I wanted to go to the funeral home where his body was taken to view his body. I'm not able to view dead bodies. I struggle with road kill and if it is someone I know or a pet I can not look at them. My cat died and I had to have my mom come take the body away. I put a towel over it and could not touch it. I do not associate a dead body with the person or animal it belongs to. I hate funerals that evolve the corpse. I will not look inside the casket. I think the whole funeral with casket thing is unnecessary. A remembrance service is enough without the body. We had my dads body cremated and 6 months later had his remembrance services. I did cry but it was because my mother was crying so much. I sometimes cry when I can not talk to him anymore. He also had Aspergers and he was the only person alive who somewhat understood me. My behavior after he died was questionable by some family members. The only belonging I wanted that was his was the flash light that he was carrying the night he died. It had his blood on it, I still have it and you can still see the dried blood. I have his DNA. That means more to me then anything. Someday when I can afford it I would like to have it analyzed. I guess some of my reactions were normal but I've been told that most were not. I refuse to go to the cemetery and visit his grave, so that's what people called it. He is gone and having his ashes buried in some hole does not constitute me visiting it to pay respects. I just do not get it.

Your reaction sounded "normal" and logical to me. I have also gotten grief (pun intended) from people for inappropriate mourning. They say everybody grieves in they own way but they definitely do not mean it. I am clueless as to why that is.