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I think the hard part about caring about myself is that I like who I am. I like not having a self. Its part of who I am. Im a Pinocchio in a world of real people.

Important concepts when growing up were things like humility and doing what I could to make other people happy.

U need to understand, as bad as my life is now it wasn't always that way. I was top of my year at school and success comes scarily easy, but winning only makes me feel empty inside because it means nothing to me. I reached a point where I would even hold myself back at the last minute to let other people win because it means so much to them and it means nothing to me.

I don't think I need to care about myself, I just need something worthwhile to devote my life to.

I am thinking lately I might be better off getting a dog and focusing on my arts and crafts and body building (as long as I don't end up looking masculine).

I can take the dog for walks along the coast if it doesn't mind the bus.

I just need to get my social skills up to par enough to allow me to do some kind of work so that i can earn monies for my gym membership and vet bills etc.

I'll see what therapy has to offer. I am having my initial telephone interview tomorrow.

No he is a stalk silly.

Not quite sure if he means the bird or the stem of a flower.

Hm, you are right, I don't understand. So, do you mean you are happy not having electricity because that means someone else who is brave enough to go and buy themselves electricity is enjoying it so much better than you would if you were brave enough to go and buy yourself electricity?

The bird is a stork

So it is, I stand corrected!

I hate to be unintentionally offensive, but are you feeling confident in your ability to take care of someone? Dogs need a lot of care and shouldn't be left alone for long periods and need to be walked every day and fed. There is also the issue of vet fees and ideally insurance plus food costs end up being a lot of money. There are some charities that will subsidise your costs if you adopt an older rescue dog and similar however.

If you do feel reasonably sure that you are going to be ok looking after the dog for the rest of its life, than it may be an ideal way to have some companionship and also when you take the dog for a walk you get to meet a lot of people - people start talking to you just because you have a dog. You need to be also OK with this. There is a lot to consider but if you are happy to have ticked all the boxes, it could really be a very good thing for both of you.

I am not sure at the present time which is why it is still in the ideas stage.

Financially it will be difficult unless I can improve enough to start working again (my biggest problem when it comes to that will be social issues, fitting in with the other staff and dealing with my slightly OCD nature when it comes to needing routine).

On saying that I may ask my therapist not to mess with my routines as I am trying to put them back into place again after trying to remove them. It didn't go well as I can't organise myself worth a dam without routine to help me do it. I should be able to manage a job with set hours though. Shift work would be another issue! Not suited to me at all, especially if my hours are likely to keep changing.

I am ok with being able to take a dog out for walks since my physical health improved (after many years of fiddling around with my diet and quitting smoking etc) but I may not always want people to chat with me. It depends on how much spare energy I have and how social I am feeling. Some days I am open to chatting, others I am preoccupied with my own thoughts or my hobbies or I don't have much energy for social stuff and don't wish to be disturbed.

Alternatively I could get a cat for company but they still need the vets bills. Having a pet for company might help.

I am fine with being able to feed the pet. Especially now I am getting more organised with my meal times.

It is something to think about for the future though.

And that is something else I need to think about when i speak to the therapist.

I am unsure still if I have an ASD or if I have OCPD, social anxiety and depression (and possibly atrocious PMS)

It is hard to tell. I may need to keep a diary. This is partly why I have been attempting to socialise so much. I am trying to ascertain the nature of the social problems I am experiencing, where they come from and whether or not I can correct them.

Whether I feel social is not dependent on whether or not i feel depressed, so I need to get my therapist to understand that. It could be social anxiety but am I finding social chit chat difficult because I am nervous (I am not always aware of feeling nervous and my hands don't shake or anything. I don't have breathing difficulties either...I just don't really know what to say most of the time) or because I just don't know what to do or say?

Blank brain syndrome as I call it. The individual is wittering away at me but either I can't think of a reply at all or I think of one some 5 minutes later..by which time I have missed my opportunity to say it. People complain I am too quiet. I don't say much, I just smile and nod, smile and nod, smile and nod...someone once said I was like one of those nodding dogs in the back of a car. smile and nod smile and nod smile and nod but don't say a word.

Oh no, occasionally I mumble hmmm hmmmm and 'oh yes'. They witter about the weirdest things. It is usually a debate about bus times lately, probably because I spend a lot of time at bus stops. I can tell them when they bus is due especially services 210, 4, 5, 55, x44 and sometimes the 18 as they all go from near where I live or norwich to Cromer/Sheringham. It seems people have trouble with understanding the new timetables. Now I can help them with this so don't mind but I am amused by the fact that they bicker over the times even after it has been established when the bus is due to arrive lol.

It is not that I can never talk but it is difficult to find people to converse with about things like weight lifting, paleo nutrition and even needle crafts. Now you would think it would be easy to find someone to talk to about cross stitching for example, but the last time I tried that they walked away from me mid conversation. In all fairness to me they asked me how to go about framing their work, which I know how to do as I do my own framing when I have finished stitching a piece, as shown here:



This was a sampler i stitched for a family members new born baby, back when I had a family to stitch for.

Anyway they decided to leave the conversation when I was only half way through explaining the different techniques such as lacing and using self adhesive backing board. I was most disappointed at the time as Cross stitching was my favourite hobby back then and I was most excited to have someone ask me something about it!

I have had lots of chit chats about the weather...but I have no specific interest in the weather and the chats are not going any further than that in the real world. They just seem to die out....

My routines are funny buggers...I have what I call routines and samenesses. Routines and samenesses are not the same thing. A routine is something I use to help me get boring chores done or to help me organise (always doing my house work in the same order and always having the same bedtime when possible excluding nights with insomnia for example) and my samenesses are what they are because I don't like my experience in that way changed.

Examples of my samenesses include:

Always having to have my tickle when I sleep (it a silky piece of material that I rub both during the night and the day) as well as having to have my bed next to the wall, the tv on at night with one of my favourite dvds and lately I seem to need george my stuffed penguin to cuddle as well...although he is relatively new, the other bedtime habits have been with me forever. My tickle is called my tickle because I was a young child when I named it.

I always have an ice cream and movie night on a Saturday although I did try to change this recently...I watch a different movie but I always have the same flavour ice cream which I always eat in the same way with the same spoon. Never for the love of god try to dish my ice cream up, I won't eat it like that, its not the same.

I always like to sit under a duvet when I am sat stitching on the couch. I have my favourite seat, don't sit in it, I will move people.

Etc.

I don't think anything bad will happen if my routines or samenesses change, i just don't like them altered.

My pms is where I go nuts for several days or basically lose control of my emotions which I have a hard enough time with as it is. My emotions are very intense and I wonder if they are still immature. At 13 a child psychologist did say I was emotionally immature for my age. I wonder if I ever grew up in that way?

My intellect and moral development were much more developed and were in advance of my years.

My depression is the fall out because my social life is non existent unless its on a forum board online, and also all the years I lost feeling down right ill with migraines, CFS like symptoms and IBS. All of which have resolved now on the paleo diet as long as I don't start sneaking wheat/gluten back in and keep cows dairy down to a minimum if I must eat it (Saturday night ice cream...yes? No I wont have goats milk ice cream instead I like Belgian chocolate Haagen dazs and I always have that and I don't want to change it thank you. I have been having that flavour for 13 plus years now).

Still all in all I am sure my therapist will insist that with positive thinking I will have my fairy tale ending...

Anyone notice that believing in positive thinking is like believing in curses, but the other way around.

It all went well because I thought positively.
It all went wrong because I am cursed...

Positive thinking is over rated.

I'd suggest you write a few important things down and be sure to include them in tomorrow's conv.

Stand your ground. Decent therapy is a dialogue; it don't pay to let a therapist have too much control

Well I thought I had blocked the chappy on OKcupid but apparently I must have forgotten to complete the process some how in my state of upset yesterday.

I have had no less than 6 messages from him spamming my inbox.

You got mail filters on yer mailbox?

Is he definitely mailing you from cupid?

Yes as it is the site inbox.

I can only assume I didn't click on the block button correctly. I doubled checked it this time.

Lol nah, getting electricity is just the stress of going out versus how much I need it.

I don't think my problems are so bad, I do enjoy my life in my own way. I think I get a feeling of enjoyment through taking in new information and processing it. Its just im a cold and emotionless person who feels emotions through other people because I can't feel them myself.

That's why I think it's a weird problem, I don't think little of myself, my problem isn't an emotional self esteem thing. Im sitting on my own like I've always done but I don't feel bad for emotional reasons, I feel bad because I'm wasting my time living a life that could be better if only I could spend it more productively. Im just a really lifelike robot that people mistake for human.

Bumble, I would speak to him if u wanted.

And dogs are pretty cool. I've got a beautiful 20 month old dog who loves me.

Its hard to be responsible for me but I like having to meet the challenge of being responsible for him, it's kinda fulfilling.

I told him straight i don't want to speak to him.

I am most definitely not compatible with that type of person.

I need my space and he is not the type of person to give it to me. Not my type.

I have been responsible for me since I was a child. My parents were never around much. My mum was wrapped up in her depression and my dad lived in 'Adrian land...a world of his own'.

They weren't bad people they were just not great parents.

I am a mixture of my mummy and my daddy. I got my dads social problems only not quite so severely (I am able to read some things socially he was MR socially oblivious and inappropriate...I spent my life listening to people say "Adrian you can't say things like that" and "Adrian you can't do things like that" whenever we went out and about as a family). People used to avoid my dad due to his 'temper tantrums', inappropriate social behavoiur and his general weirdness.

My mother on the other hand was mrs depressed but she was very clever intellectually. She too finished top of her class at school but that was in the 1940s. She, on the otherhand, was a social butterfly. I got her depression and her intellect but she failed to pass her social success on to me. Mum was engaged 8 times, married 3. I have never been married once. Even my dad managed to get married more times than me. He was married twice.

I was proposed to once, before the days of the internet. Nice boy, builder, clean living, sane...I said no, I was an idiot. We were together for 7 years. He loved my quirks, he loved me. I made a mistake but there is nothing I can do about that now. I raised his child for 10 years. I don't have a child now. I'm not talking about that. I can't its too painful.

Since the internet it is dating hell.

I had family once, I had a chance at a normal life once, I blew it.

I even had the chance of a decent job once. My manager wanted to promote me as I did the job so well. I fell pregnant and left to raise my child instead. Now I don't even have the child I gave up a career to raise. Angel that he was.

I had the chance of a degree once. I was getting A grades mostly. I gave it up to look after my mother who was also physically disabled. She died about 7 or so years ago now.

I had so many chances to make a life but my social problems intefered with that too. I could do my job and management like me because of that but I couldn't fit in with the other staff. Then I got sick physically and well..that was that.

Now I am on the bottom of the s**t pile of society..a grand fall from the private schools and horsey people I was used to as a young child (my dad was an ex national hunt jockey and my mum was invalided out of the Army).

And now to society I am nothing. Not even worth giving a chance to.

Society sucks ass.

The only dates I can find are lunatics and stalkers.

I eat healthy, I work out, I get enough sleep...

Ok Im bad at getting my chores done but that's why I have reintroduced my routines.

Still a long way to fall.

At least I have a nice little one bedroom bungalow in a small country village with a front and back garden.

That's nice.