About this autism card

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jenisautistic wrote:]

So you were not honest before? That is a problem for me, Jen. I am glad you want to honest now, though..

Actually I do not think I am using that many big words (are you asking me to change my writing style and make it more simple to accommodate You? Actually I have already done that to some degree and on a teen forum where most of the people reading are teenagers, I would do that much more. A lot of people do have difficulty understanding me, but many do understand. Also, you are making these threads on an adult forum, so I am writing at what I perceive to be the level of the general reading audience, though when on your threads I am trying to make it simpler, especially when I realized you are fifteen..

In general, my writing is not for everyone, and I try to make it not to easy because I want people to think about what I say and not respond mechanically, so to think of things in a new way,even if if they ultimately disagree.

Jen, I would not assume anyone knows what they are writing about, and I am not sure this is really why, as it seems to me from reading a lot of your posts--actually almost every post you have written on WP---I took several hours to read and study almost all of them today:-)---that you have a habit of apologizing to people for expressing your own thoughts and feeling your own feelings. This is what I see, anyway, and I am not judging you for this. It is just what I see..

It looks like you left a key part of the context out of this quote, as it was directly preceded by the sentence:." I think people here on WP are amazing, but not all material given is for all people."

So now you are saying that I made you feel ashamed??? I tried to explain on that thread about this. It is your own feelings about yourself and your own lack of self acceptance that is causing you suffering, and imo you should not be ashamed of being yourself, unless you are being dishonest for example. When I catch myself doing that I am ashamed. In fact, saying what I wrote "made" you feel ashamed is kind of another example of what I mean by playing a psychological card, as these people on Best Kept Secret are nothing like you, and also, they should not be ashamed, either. Personally I love them. They are precious sentient creatures..

This is said a little bit tongue in cheek---so now you DO like hurting people and sounding mean? Take it with a grain of salt, as none of this hurts me or sounds mean, just a tad gamey, which is problematic, and obviously this is my own interpretation and probably not yours.
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Jen, a lot of people have difficulty understanding my posts. You could always ask me a question---such as---"what did you mean by this particular statement?" Or ask me to explain further. When I read all this small talk about the party I began to wonder how serious you are about really finding the answer to your question,and no, I am not telling you what to talk about on your own thread, but to me that was off topic deflection of a very serious subject.. Maybe it is not even important for you to understand right now---or ever, but if it is a real inner question and you really want to know, then you will persist and ask some questions rather than talking about someones perceived stinger, and you will think on the subject until you begin to understand.

(This message will be edited later for typos, but not idea content).

Jen doesn't apologize for herself in every thread, I just looked back too. Geez. "....almost every post you have written on WP." I didn't see any apologies, only one polite sorry for asking for clarification. What were you trying to accomplish by saying that?

Message reposted above with the bolding you added to my message removed.. Below is what I wrote:


Agreed. Jen does not apologize for herself in every thread---This is not what I said, though I see how you could have misread it, as I did not state it that well---had just finished reading all those messages for several hours and kind of threw it in that I just did that... but there is this tendency. to apologize, mainly in the beginning of a thread,which I am sure Jen is aware of. What was I trying to accomplish? Just communication, and written with love. What are you trying to accomplish? What happened to your New Year's resolution not to engage in quibbling?. Do you not have much will? Well, if so, that would be normal:-)

Anyway, I do not mind communicating with you or you trying to communicate with me. Feel free to question what I say. However, Jen can speak for herself. I feel as if you are enabling her, though I know you feel like you are protecting her,, kind of like a man calling a woman a lady and being really nice to her and putting her on a pedestal, but really it is saying she is weaker, that she can't do certain things and has to dress and act a certain way.. It is one of my pet peeves when people do this, though I know your intentions are good.

No little bee I wasn't dishonest before and I never meant to hurt you that's why didn't mention it because I don't want to hurt you.

But I wanted to express my own feelings about how that post Made me feel. And I apologize for a lot of things because of what I went trough these people that bullied me throughout these years have stole on my confidence away from me sometimes I find it hard even express my own opinion about something because I don't want to accidentally hurt them or offend them because I know how it feels .

All I ever wanted to do was to share my opinion and not be put down for it. And just share my past that no one else to share with and feel welcome and safe in the dark isolated hateful life and I had lived almost all my life.

And this is a great safe haven.

As for your posts it seems like almost all of the people hear cannot understand what you're trying to say and I merely suggested that you can improve the understanding of your readers by clarifying what you want to say I making sure we understand how you feel.

You said yourself you've gone through hard times. You must know what it's like to be broken and torn down so much that it's hard for you to even speak up about anything.

And even being on here its hard for me but these kinds of things as subjective as bullying it can be hard to understand how bad it can be and how much it can hurt someone and affect their life.

All these years I've been scared depressed and alone.

I had no one to turn to anyone I would contact anything with either wouldn't do anything over turn their back on me. I'm not trying to use the autism card I never even asked for any of this. And I never said they were bullying me because of my Autism.

I even said myself I had no idea why they were bullying me. And if they were bullying me for something else what would that matter? It doesn't make it right.

I understand that having autism doesn't excuse you from anything but that doesn't mean you have to be subjected to abuse and take it like I did.

Just today I was in my drama club and left early because all I can think to myself is how they're going to hate me and how I can't sing or play gitaur and how they think I'm pathetic.


I didn't overhear any of this this is just my speculation it's gotten that bad.

You see when I was being bullied I never really stood up for myself because when I did they just laugh at me and bullied me more.

If any of you have gone through a similar fate what I must I ask is how do you deal with the pain?

And how do you get yourself on your feet and move on?

How do you stand up for yourself about sounding rude or like you're trying to start a fight?

And most importantly how do you stop all those horrible thoughts and memories of this from staying in your head?

I mean it's hard not to think what people think of you when you're hearing it from memory from people of actual voices and even today sometimes I still get it from people.


Now I have to stop now because again for me it's 2 o'clock in the morning and need to sleep so I can be at least the half awake tomorrow.

Yes. this can happen, Jen. I'm glad you have found a place where you can express yourself. I took a lot of time today, hours and read most of of your messages and book-marked 17 to go back over, so I think I have a little bit more insight now.. We'll work on it. There are solutions to these problems, but sometimes it involves an entire transformation of ones own thinking. This was the case with me, anyway. I was never really bullied at school except kind of in the freshman dorm of college, but I did experience a horrible situation at work. (Edited to add, I just remembered some situations where I was bullied in grammar school).

It did sound to me from what I read that you do have quite a few friends and many people have tried to be nice to you all along, though some people did try to trick you and pretended to be your friend, and this can be confusing and develop mistrust and suspicion, but maybe it would be possible to look a little bit more at the glass being half full rather than half empty..

I do suggest that you do not worry so much about hurting other people's feelings. Sometimes people are afraid of other people's anger which is one reason why they do not speak up, though I do not know if this is true with you..

Maybe I will reply to some more of your response later.

Last edited by littlebee on 15 Jan 2014, 2:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You're right she can speak for herself and she certainly is speaking for herself, which is why I didn't respond to the rest of your post - Jen may or may not want to. She's standing up for herself fine when she deems necessary. But as to me treating her like she's weaker - although she is one smart kid, she is a kid and you are an adult - therefore when you chastise her for not being serious enough or apologizing too much, she may give you too much credit for being right. An adult bullying any child is never a fair fight.

You do write very well. I'm confused about this (or am I just remembering wrong) - aren't you diagnosed as low functioning? If you are, I must not understand what low functioning means. But I don't get that with Kindgdom of Rats either, I thought low functioning meant that a person couldn't write like you guys do. I guess I still need more education on the subject.

But you know what, I'm considered high functioning (well I've never been diagnosed so I'm not really technically any level), but I consider myself HF because I hold down a job and live by myself without help. But to do all that I have to compensate in a million ways, and sometimes I can't get the simplest things done correctly (example, part of my face is numb from surgery so I have to remember to always check it after I eat or brush my teeth), but sometimes I am so overwhelmed i forget. Yesterday I was walking around my job with big smears of toothpaste until one of my friends told me. Ha. Or sometimes when I'm talking to my bosses about work, I just can't seem to get a coherent word out, I get so emotionally exhausted I start stammering and stuttering.

My point being that this hf/lf may not mean much at all. Most of us are probably a mix. Sometimes if somebody has to expend huge chunks of their available energy on one thing, other things just don't get done right. (Oh wait is that that spoons theory?) Anyway, Who came up with these lf/hf designations? I'm not sure they understand Autism at all.

Regarding your message above, you really don't apologize too much (or at least not so much that I ever noticed it in reading your posts). This has nothing to do with little bees comment, I just want you to understand that you very clearly have a strength about you and a generosity and openness. I have never felt that you were mealy or passive or anything like that. This post above is a great example - you stood your ground with compassion! I guess the reason I keep telling you this is because when I was kid people would say the same thing to me and it caused me so much confusion in trying act like other people wanted me to act, it made things so much harder! Self doubt can ruin people's lives, so I say if it's not broken, don't fix it. And if you do feel like softening something you are trying to say to someone, that's not a crime!

I don't like those memories of those voices either - but I think as you get older and find yourself in safer environments, they will lessen. Have you ever tried talking back to them? That can really work.

Below is this material IN CONTEXT.. It is about getting the question answered if that is really important, and I began to question how important that is to jen...At least this is what I value, getting the actual question answered, not blowing off steam or small talking. This is my value as an adult. The question is the key to everything, including the reorganization of ones own brain function and the transformation of great suffering into happiness for the sake of not only oneself but ones brother. It is how new data interconnects to the area of the brain that understands.You are experiencing it as bullying and a fight. You are an adult, too. Ever think about how you might be influencing her to look at normal disagreement and exchanging ideas in communication as bullying and how this may be translating back into further suffering??? If not, I can understand. Sometimes people including myself can get very caught up in and identified with their own point of view, especially when there is strong feeling behind it, which there generally is in terms of becoming really identified. I think much of what you write is unwholesome and even harmful to young people. This is my opinion, Some other people may not feel this way. Different people have different opinions. I have raised two children, both girls, one of whom is a high functioning autistic, and have spoken to many fifteen year old girls who have come to my stand with their parents, and sometimes in groups, especially recently over the holidays.. I ask every girl how old she is and other questions. I think Jenny can think through this stuff for herself, though, of course, other people's input cvan be helpful.. I encourage people to think through what I say and not to take me as an authority. If you disagree with some of my ideas, that is different. I need to hear different points of view as much as anyone else does, as this is how learning occurs.

Jenny wrote:

And littlebee replied:

This is a very interesting question. As for my diagnoses I am diagnosed as autism spectrum disorder level 2 on the dsm 5. As well as autism I'm also diagnosed as having non convulsive seizure disorder and low processing speed. Although the low prossesing speed is an iep diagnoses.

For me the reason I'm more classic and not as is due to my poor self help skills and general physical and mental processing delay.

The reason why I would consider myself lower functioning within the classic autism diagnoses is my undiagnosed medical problems and that I require more care then an aspie/hfa.

But autism is such a broad spectrum everyone is different. . And things could change now compared to other autistics of my age I might be lower functioning but many of factors people use in distinguishing low vs high functioning don't apply to me yet like maintaining a job or living on my own or dealing with finances.

Also as for writing well that is a good point.

I don't know what I would consider someone Who is nonverbal completely but writes really well and can use a communication device effectively even if it means it takes longer. In terms of functioning levels there are some people who are significantly physically disabled who can essentially function better and can be more articulent than someone who would be considered higher functioning.

I can't speak for kingdom of rats though maybe she will respond also.

I can't cook, wash or brush my own hair and have a hard time when she does it because it hurts and I don't like the feeling of the brush accidentally brushing my skin, pick out appropriate clothing for the fit and the weather, and I can't cross any street on my own except the small cross between my house and my school. I can't be orginzised and constantly end up losing breaking or ripping things, I can't ride the bus by myself and I don't know wether or I'll be able to drive.

I have severe sensory over load which causes headaches, nausea/dizziness, vomiting, muteness etc .


I can't be left alone for too long and I need to be pushed to get even simple things done like brushing my teeth and other hygiene , taking off my medication patch and even waking up getting ready, going to sleep and even eating.


Every morning when I wake up my stomach feels weird as far as I can tell I'm not even hungry and I almost always have a sore throat. No matter how hard I try i can't get myself to eat and rarely I can get myself to drink tea as for lunch I mostly forget to eat due to my special interest and my spacey mind. I don't have problems eating dinner tough but I use to because I would fall asleep before dinner.

Also even when I didn't have problems eating. I feel tired and exhausted most of the time and usually I am almost unable or fully unable to function no mater what environment I'm in and I have trouble sleeping at night. I don't know what this is or why this is but for me it's like I'm a battery dead iPhone that is dead and un usable all day and then if you leave it long enough will briefly spring back to life. Like I wake up briefly In the late night that is just enough to keep me from falling asleep but not by enough to make me too
Much more awake and then I after a while I crash and fall asleep.

Sorry to jump in, but autism cards actually do exist and I've seen people make up their own for special settings where they feel so overwhelmed that they cannot communicate.

http://www.autism.org.uk/card

This is where my NYs resolution comes in. I believe we have all had our say on the subject. At this point you aren't even beating a dead horse, just the spot on the pavement where it used to be.

I would never guess by your disposition that you have to deal with all that stuff or any of the other things you have shared with us. You seem very optimistic.

Alas, I also suck terribly at organizing. It's a huge part of my job and the part I am worst at. Sometimes I get panic attacks from it, but of course I can't let anybody see that happening, have to fake my way through it.

Money is another thing I have trouble with - eiiii!

I used to be sick every morning also until I figured out I was sensitive to gluten - I can sympathize. I wonder what causes your sore throat.

Do you like science at all? A Brief History of Time is pretty interesting - Stephen Hawking is in a wheelchair now, not sure if he was so disabled when he wrote it though, but I know he's been struggling with Lou Gehrig's Disease since he was young. Whenever I read books like that I have to look a lot stuff up, but I find that kind of fun (maybe Aspie paradise)!

Do you have any ideas about what kind of career you would like to go into?

Thank you for me being optimistic its not too hard unless I'm being particularly anxiety written or frustrated at the moment.
I tend to see the world through rose colored glasses and seem to tend to have the wonder and curiosity of young child although I do adapt to the feelings and environment of the people around me too like a young child. I guess part of me is still oblivious in a good way. 

My peditritrion says my sore throat is due to post nasal drip. 


I remember seeing Steven Hawkins video on time travailing when I was in school I haven't seen it in a while but I remember liking it. I also like watching ASAP science,minute physics, charlieissocoollike and vsause on youtube. Although I'm not really that good at science I like asking all kinds of questions and analyzing things to a certain extent.

I'm not exactly sure what I want my career to be I believe the first thing I wanted to be when I was young with someone who works in or runs an orphanage after seeing the play Annie at a local high school production when I was really young but we don't have orphanages anymore in America and I wouldn't want to be a foster mother although I have considered it I don't believe i would have been able to deal with knowing that I would have to give them away eventually.

My next ideas were to be a pediatrician or a singer/actress. And pediatrician was the one I stuck with with the latter being a hobby although I think it's hard enough to get on stage is very unlikely that I would ever be able to do it aside from a school maybe local production especially my sensory overload and stuff like that. 
Recently I came up with that idea to start a brand-new school for all kids who want to learn and who care about school and learning. 
One where students would have a program that is tailored to them in their specific needs and levels. 
But don't think this would be for me to do because it involves a lot of know how and social contact as well as other work and no how.
But when I do know is that I want to work with young children. 

Those sound like some fun careers. Working with kids would be great because kids benefit from people with big hearts.

I agree, analyzing things is fun! I just found this chocolate ice cream today that has 150 calories in a pint. So I thought (just what they wanted me to think) - well, if it's only 150 calories in a pint, I can eat that! It has this very strange but not unpleasant texture - as if they took cappuccino foam and made it solid - not sure if you can drink coffee yet so you might not know what I mean. But I keep trying to figure out how they gave it that texture. Is it some kind of physical manipulation like air whipping?

I know what you mean about having to give kids back - that would be sad! I feel the same way about being a pet foster mom - for instance I have considered taking in seeing eye docs until they are old enough to be trained - but I'm a sissy.

I'm 52, but I went to college in the last 10 years. So much of it was just droning boring stuff. I had some professors who were super amazing, but some of them seemed like they were really uninterested themselves and it just transferred to the students. I had this idea to create a college sort of like what you are describing with your school. My idea was that a lot of the of the classes could be tested out of (at my school the list was very short). This way students could work together to get through materials at their own paces, or alone if they wanted to. Then we could have some classes that were taught in classrooms for those that wanted them, and other classes that were taught by people who work in the fields, but actually in the field. For instance, a police officer would hold his class while taking the kids around showing them actual police work. Maybe you and I should get together and create our schools! Right now there are so many resources available to students to help then learn. like Kahn Academy and all the classes in iTunesU - there is no real need for students to be forced to sit through tedious classes on nutty schedules, or to pay huge tuition and to go into so much debt. We need free from schools.

I read your other thread too. I hope you are feeling better soon! I understand this problem with not wanting to cause your grandma more stress by asking her to buy you special groceries and making the food for you, etc when she is already busy. Is there no way you can get a helper in your home due to your diagnosis? We'll have to brain storm on ways to help you with this. I'm glad skibum is helping you too - she's amazing!

I know somebody in that thread mentioned hydration - I have recently been forcing myself to drink more water, around a half a gallon a day. I always thought that was a gimmick when they said to drink so much, but in just a week I have been feeling a lot better in some ways. It used to make me nauseated when I would drink a lot, but now I am used to it and I enjoy it very much. That's just a suggestion though.

But this schedule of yours is very demanding right now, it sounds stressful for anyone, much less someone in high school. Stress can really make you feel bad and you do need proper food and water during these times especially.

Anyway, keep us informed on how it goes!

Something Callista said in another thread made me wonder - could you get an assistance animal? I don't know much about this, but I think they are training all kinds of animals to help people now. It might be able to take some of the stress off your grandma and also give you a little independence.

I would love to have a service dog but some reason my grandmother doesn't want me to have any animals or at least not yet because she says there a lot of work. However I probably will get one eventually.