Invalidation

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I think, AuntBlabby, that people sometimes fear becoming inundated by their misery. I've felt that way myself.

The best thing to do in these instances is to just talk about the weather or something.

I think it's stupid to respond to "invalidation" with "invalidation." It brings you down to the level of the idiot. It brings BOTH of you down.

Pretty soon, both "invalidators" will have your heads in the quicksand, and will not be able to come out if they continue with this line of reasoning.

yeh, I have learned to just [at most] give them the "cliff notes version" then try to talk about something innocuous. and in terms of invalidation, I'd rather avoid the pecking order thingie and just leave them to god.

Thank you B19. I was wondering what on earth I said to provoke an attack like that (seems to be a tough habit to break, to always wonder "what did I do?")

If you wanted to ask me I would tell you. Just ask if you don't know why. Other people don't know what I'm thinking...

I would say, at least 90% of the time, that people who attack you have other agendas other than having a reason to attack you personally.

In other words, IT'S THEIR PROBLEM!! !! !! !! !! !

People have to rise above the bullies.

I was trying to help! Why don't you all understand?

But would that not be hypocrisy and make the whole concept pointless?



There are some people so negative and so hung up on how they should be treat that no matter what or how you say things to them that they will always find fault. In my experience such people only exacerbate their situation and end up alone because they've pushed everyone away.

To such ends, someone's statement shouldn't be judged as if it fits the pattern of invalidation shown, but rather the essence and intent of the message.

I talk with many people, many of whom English is a second or third language, some of their primary languages are like French where to English speakers words are sort of ordered backwards, they come from different cultures, religions, social statuses, education, etc, basically communication is hard enough without expecting everyone to understand such language patterns as these.

Half of the OP's linked article reads as pure propaganda written to scare people!


So let's take an example:

Don't be sad

How do you say that without invalidating? My first response was "cheer up", but that's in the list too! So how?

but there are so many of them, and they tend to band together.

You have to "invalidate" them by just not responding to them.

Because you'd be responding to nonsense if you did respond.

IOW if somebody is acting like a monkey around you, don't act like a monkey back to them or else you'll just be a couple of monkeys. in the words of a certain movie, "sometimes the only winning move, is to not play the game."

I wasn't really talking about you, StarFox, in particular. I was talking about bullies in general.

I think you were taking the "tough love" approach to this--which I understand. I used to do this myself--until I learned that it was too simplistic for it to have a positive effect.

I think, in order to help, one must soften one's instinctual approach.

Damn right, AuntBlabby!

Exactly what I was thinking, but from looking at the list you can't actually say anything, other than ask questions... but be careful there too, e.g. "why are you feeling bad", because you'll get accused of labelling / judging them at best.

And, the question did stem from "An eye for an eye will make the whole world go blind" concept.

I've said a lot of things on the list but it was not meant to dismiss the person's problem(s). I wonder if the more traumatized the person is, the more sensitive they are.

relating with other people IRL is a minefield, strewn with pitfalls that sneak up on one. only with other folk who are on our wavelength can one let one's guard down. ironically, it seems to me that people who are ALMOST on our wavelength but not quite, who are the most dangerous, in my experience.