Pretending you are being watched

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i never pretended i was being watched.

I actually believed I was being watched and judged by others in public for a long time. I've worked on that with my psychiatrist.

I don't know how to pretend to paranoid. True paranoia is not something you can turn on and off like a light switch.

Yes. It's all Big Brothers fault
I feel many times that aliens/MI5/some-stupid-TV-show are all watching me, somewhere, somehow. It makes me act very weird, but it's lucky nobodys around to see me like that (unless of course aliens/MI5/some-stupid-TV-show ARE watching me )

I suppose it's just my brain trying to make me feel secretly special about something.

Haha!! Yeah, I think we four (maybe five?) have our own brand of psychosis going on!! I'm actually trying to tone down my rehearsals, because they're exhausting and sometimes I just end up more p'd at the person than before! But they did help alot last year when I was in marriage counseling! If I hadn't rehearsed those sessions, I'd have stammered and stuttered and not gotten anything done. As it was, I got in there and let it rip! I yelled so much I blew poor hubby's hair back, haha, but it worked! We got our money's worth. So yeah, I think sometimes we really don't have a choice but to rehearse the important things!

That's like me.

I can't just go into a random store with out having a perpose in hand. Then I would feel like I shouldn't be there, unless i'm going to buy something. Or if I'm walking down the street I feel like the people are watching me and I feel like I shouldn't be walking unless i'm going to go some where for a reason (like to a resturant or the coner store). And then sometimes I have to praten to be looking at something and contomplat buying it to prove that I do have a reason besides being bored and just wandering around the store. Especialy in foergin (can't spell) Stores. I feel that if i'm not there ethnicity I shouldn't be in the store. I also can't eat by myself in a public place. I feel that I have to eat all of my food. And if I don't I feel that the waiter/waitress will think bad of me and be disapointed or something.

huh.....kinda odd...

I was raised religious...so the idea that I was being watched seems pretty "normal"...a little less normal,when I thought my alien
countrymen were watching me(to see how things were going...not to well,beam me up,already!)I also get that feeling in stores that someone will think I am shop lifting when I reach in my pocket for a cough drop(80 a day habit)

The worse time was high school.For some reason my knees dont seem to bend very well...my mom said I walk like a Nazi,so that made me a little paranoid....I was self concious that when I sat down,my legs would look fat(I weighed 100pds)also worried about any fat showing on my stomach,eating in front of people was impossible....they might hear me chewing.....even wearing head phones in public was difficult because it seemed like I was breathing "to loud".All of this self conciousness appears to be a fear of being made fun of which seems rather silly for someone who used to have a mowhawk and gets clothes dumpster diving.
I think my choice of "alternative appearance" was in part, to give a reason for being looked at "strangely".It actually made me feel protected,some how.I was in costume and playng a part.I felt much less vulnerable.