Anyone else like literal humour?

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Mother: Would you grab me a water?
Me: Grabs water.
Mother: And bring it to me?
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco where he surprised her in the fruit & vegetable department. There he proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands, but as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the fruit & vegetable department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper,the headline declared............




'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'

Artie is a hitman who works cheap. I guess that he charges so little because his weapon of choice is his bare hands. No fancy schmancy pistols with silencers for him!

5 grand cheap ? How much is a 'hit' in your neck of the woods

My mom has done it with me and my husband:

Me: Guess what Mom?
Her: No I don't want to guess (sometimes she would just start saying random things and then tell me she is trying to guess)


Employee at work: Hold the elevator
Husband: How, it's attached and it will be too heavy


Dad: Keep your eyes out everyone
Mom: That will hurt if we did that

I also enjoy literal blonde jokes


Q:Why did the blonde go on top of the house?
A: Someone said the drinks were on the roof




The house is on fire so the blonde calls the fire department. She is panicking telling them a fire started and they tell her to calm down and then they ask her how do they get to her house. "Duh, the big red truck."


A blonde is walking along the side of the river, on the other side the brunette is trying to figure out how to get to to the other side when she spots the blonde. "How do you get to the other side of the river?" she shouted to the blonde. The blonde yells "What?" and the brunette yells again "How do you get to the other side of the river?" and the blonde shouts louder again "What? I can't hear you?" The brunette cups her hands around her mouth and shouts even louder HOW DO YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER?" The blonde then responds "You are on the other side oft the river."



It used to be back in the days anyone who took things literal was an idiot so I always enjoyed the jokes on TV when dumb people would take things literal.

I have also enjoyed play on words which is why I enjoy those sort of jokes.

this guy is my favourite comedian

Personally, I don't like blonde jokes, because they remind me of the days where people would highly doubt my ability to do anything, just because my hair happens to be blonde. It was annoying being accused of cheating whenever I did well in something, like it was inconceivable that some blonde girl did well for once. Sometimes people would comment on it, "blondie" and "dumb blonde" were common nicknames I got, until I gained a reputation for being something of a nerd. Or rather geek, I guess.

I often struggle to accept that I might have a learning disability, because there's that little voice inside my head that asks "What if they were right? Maybe you are an idiot after all", and it can be hard to shake this nagging doubt off my mind as it slowly eats away at me internally. I realise that even if I end up getting a diagnosis that confirms my suspicions, it won't change anything, and potentially having dyscalculia doesn't necessarily make me a bumbling idiot. Despite what my self-doubt likes to tell me...

That's a shame , I really liked that joke the first time I heard it but it was told to me by my grandfather who is a great storyteller.

I'm not sure but I think that type of joke is known as a shaggy dog story?

Oh yeah... my contribution. True story.

I used to head a writing department, and several of us were headed to lunch one day. As we passed some guys jackhammering up the sidewalk on the other side of the road I started to laugh - one of my colleagues looked at me strangely, I pointed across the street. "what are those guys doing?" quoth I. "repairing the sidewalk?" quoth he. "Not just that. They're abstracting concrete!"

Bada-bing.

(See the first available definition #14.)

Well...read the copy. Artie murdered two people for a single British pound!

A pound is like two bucks. So thats a dollar per murder. Cant beat that!

Of course he killed them both "at Tesco". Maybe they were both rude check out clerks whom he hated. So maybe his hit was partially "pro bono" (he thought that the killing was for the common good, so he gave the client a price break). Those rude retail folks. Sometimes you just gotta do whatcha gotta do!