I am female and have never succeeded. Am I an aberration?

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I often wonder what I might have done with my life if I had grown up more typically, achieving adult life milestones at the proper time. I am doing all right now, but all of the things I am doing should have been put in motion a good 30 years before. I might have accomplished my dream to help others in some way.

Good idea. Certainly can't hurt to try.



Oh, I can convince you of my woe-is-me-ness yet . Give me time, lol.

Really, though, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. It's unusual to find someone not only non-judgemental, but sympathetic. I find that whenever I've tried to confide in anyone about my feelings, sooner or later they write me off as a toxic whinger. "Just go out and get a job, for crying out loud. It's not that hard," is one choice quote. One high-flying woman on the spectrum outright said "well with that sort of attitude no wonder you never get anywhere".

I really try my best to keep up my spirits, but it can be a challenge, especially when you apply to literally any place that's hiring, sometimes repeatedly, and never so much as land an interview. I try to take a step back and assess if there's any problem in my approach, and also putting myself in other people's shoes and imagaing how I'm comig across to them, and see if there's any way I can change it; but other than being very obviously autistic in the aforementioned ways I'm unable to modify (and believe me, I would mask them if I could), I'm stumped. Anyway, as per my usual tendency, I'm rambling again . I'm not expecting you to know how to react to that, btw.

I'm actually surprised to know that females on the autism spectrum do so called better. If their parents are anything like mine then they would have it much more strict then their male counterparts. My parents fear for my safety all the time. There was a story on tv about a 20 something year old black autistic woman who was raped and killed because she dared work for a living. She worked there for a year before she was killed though they claimed she had the mind of an 8 year old despite maintaining a job at the airport for that long.

it is worth remembering that the spectrum itself has many differences from person to person, and well, I am not the most skilled person in the world with the social environment, I also have many but many problems with it.

Many thanks for the continued replies, everyone. I'm very grateful to you all.

I'm aware the way it goes with forums is that many people reply once, but never check back in to read if the OP has replied to them. Even so, I'm responding to everyone regardless, in the (perhaps futile?) hope that maybe a rally will get established in which I might be able to glean some nugget of wisdom from someone. Here's to hoping, anyway.


@Chronos:

What you say is largely true: the majority of other high functioning females can observe and reflect NT behavior. Although it may take a while, and considerable effort, they--you--have the ability to learn how to speak NT, and do so with peak fluency. I don't know what happened with me. I watch, I study, I observe and analyse and think to the point of over-thinking sometimes, but for whatever reason it doesn't seem to sink in. Maybe there's some sort of block preventing it, I don't know. As much as I'd love to go out into society and expect or demand people to accept me as I am, I know that's not how the world works (even NTs have to abide by social norms much of the time), so I always make a very conscious effort to behave as allistically as I possibly can. Yet, it just comes across as doubly odd to other people, because my execution of it is clunky, like a really bad actress--and that's just the things I notice; I can only imagine how I must appear to other people (evidently unacceptable, given my defecit of employment and friends).

Building rapport with people is certainly an in. But again it keeps coming back to whatever mistakes I'm making, at least in society's eyes, because try as I might I never seem to be able to forge any kind of rapport with anyone. Without anyone here observing me first hand, it's probably difficult to pinpoint exactly where I'm going wrong, but I'm open for guesstimates if you or anyone else want to offer them.

Do you have any tips on absorbing social skills, other than being permanently around people and studying them constantly (my situation no longer allows for this, unfortunately)? Is there any specific method that worked for you?



@Nira:

Your English is very good, and I'm sure infinitely better than if I tried to speak in your language. Be proud of yourself


@Sandpiper:

Hi again Your social skills here seem perfectly fine to me, and your functioning ability very high, but I don't know you outside of this forum. I do think I might be lower functioning than I originally thought. For sure, I have more lower functioning traits--I was only diagnosed with Asperger's because of my IQ; everything else about me was a strange mish-mash from all areas of the spectrum. I guess being less capable than I thought--hoped--is something I don't want to admit, even though it's something I've felt and suspected for a long time. In a sense it's akin to admitting defeat, even though logic tells me that's not necessarily the case (plenty of supposedly low-functioning people can achieve remarkable things).


More replies soon.

Continued:

@EverythingAndNothing:

Good point. It does make you wonder if there isn't something of a facade or an exaggeration going on, and maybe in some cases it is. There might be some misunderstanding as to what constitutes a wide social circle, too. However, having seen and observed a number of women like those in the article, watching them interact socially in large groups, I can say that, at the very least they seem exactly like the article presents them. Obviously I'm not privvy to what goes on in their heads, or when they're at home; then there's the fact that I'm viewing them with autistic eyes, so may be missing giveaway clues that NTs would spot a mile off. Nevertheless, they're still gainfully employed, and people generally seem to like them (I can't speak for the partner/wife or motherhood aspect, as I've rarely observed them in that capacity). It baffles me how they do it, frankly.


@Kiriae:

The power of PMA (positive mental attitude) cannot be denied. I'm just finding it increasingly hard to remain positive when every day is a struggle financially, socially, and emotionally. When my chronic illnesses (I have several) aren't flaring up, I apply to whoever is hiring, even those below my skill set, but nothing ever materializes. I try to find groups for people with my interests and attend those, but it never works out. I've even attended some autism-related groups, but I seem to be "too autistic" even for them. Even though autism is a broad spectrum, and simply having the same condition doesn't guarantee comraderie, it just wears me down when even those closer to my "own kind" (if I even have one) don't accept me. I would genuinely love to know what I'm doing wrong (I've heard on the grapevine, and first hand, that I'm "socially inept/awkward", "weird", "an oddity", but never the specifics of how).

I believe I have depression. Certainly, I fit all the criteria for it. The problem is I cannot receive a diagnosis due to the general belief (at least in my area) that autism precludes any other illness, be it mental or physical. I had to pay privately for tests proving other chronic, physical illnesses I had long suspected, and my finances don't stretch any further. Even so, they're more than happy to throw pharmaceuticals at me--to my knowledge, I've been put on every depression-related medication available, none of which have ever worked consistently. All the SSRIs, now onto the SNRIs, which haven't worked.

I think I'm "high functioning"(always thought this term was strange). Would I absolutely pass for neurotypical? No way. I'm positive most NTs think I'm odd. Despite me doing what a lot of high functioning autistic women do: dress appropriately, practice good hygiene, understand sarcasm, be polite, never ever stim in public, never have meltdowns, etc. I think it's an exaggeration to say the women absolutely pass for NT. I am curious how they keep a job though. One even has a job as a teacher which sounds hard...Do they experience less overstimulation? Have they found a way to manage it? Do they have family connections? I'm actually very curious about how they keep a job. Sometimes I can pass an interview, but I find keeping the job to be so incredibly hard. I don't really think they're passing for NT though. NTs perceive little things like if my eyes look tired/sad/angry/bothered even when I try to fake smile. It would be impossible to be conscious of my eyes 24/7. If there are loads of autistic women who can accomplish such a feat, kudos to them.

I think that this is a very astute observation, and in the couple of years since my diagnosis, I have become ever more convinced that we can sometimes make things worse for ourselves by trying to perfect our simulation of non-autistic behaviour. Aside from the fact that it can overload us with additional anxiety, I think there is some truth to the idea that a behavioural difference which people "can't quite put their finger on" is sub-consciously more unnerving than an overt difference, possibly supported by an explanation (similar to the concept of the "uncanny valley", though it is a metaphor which we should be wary of stretching too far, of course.)

I made a conscious decision to put myself under less pressure to "pass" following my diagnosis, and this seems to have been relatively successful, especially in informal social interactions. For example, since being more open about my difficulties maintaining eye-contact, I have found that conversation often flows more freely - in a sense, I am no longer sending confusing messages via a "language" that I don't understand, and so I am less likely to be misinterpreted as lacking interest or being evasive.

I agree ^^^^
I did not know I was on the spectrum, but at some point in life I decided this was ridiculous and I needed to be who I am because I would rather be jeered or bullied for who I am than for something I am not and am trying to be. So I pretty much tell people I am not good at socializing. If there are more than two other people I am uncomfortable and will go home. Or whatever.

I am certain that I "should" have gotten much further in life (she doesn't live up to her potential) and there WAS some shame about it from family, but as with other things, I got over that. I am happy where I am and with who I am. There are more important things in life than a large salary and an SUV.

Let me amend that; I would not trade places with anyone no matter how successful.

Thank you. I tend to have a long think about replying to things on the internet, often leaving it until the next day. I often can't think of anything to say immediately and I like to think about whether I have understood something properly. When I do decide to write something it will usually take me about twenty to thirty minutes to compose something and then I have to spend more time trying to ensure it is to the point and cannot be misunderstood by the recipient. Then, after previewing what I have written, I usually end up deleting it, then coming back a couple of hours later to have another attempt. In real life I just cannot process unstructured conversations quickly enough and people tend to get just single word answers, or in groups I am usually unable to contribute anything at all.

This may sound trite, but at least you can say you tried, and even though your employment may not be exactly gainful you're still making the effort. Those are things to be proud of.

I don't think it's fair to compare yourself to neurotypicals (if that's what you mean by "typically"). You're not NT, and cannot be--it's akin to asking a dog to be a cat. Dogs and cats are two different animals (you don't say! ), and the same applies to species of human, even though appearances lead us to believe otherwise. I sometimes wonder if it wouldn't be better for neurodivergent people to have glowing antenna or something to immediately identify us a different species. Maybe that way we wouldn't have to contend with unremiting, impossible expectations?

You are helping others. You're replying to my thread, for a start. Do you have time for volunteering? Maybe there's a homeless shelter, animal rescue or Goodwill store you could help out at, or even just donate some of your items? (You may have already considered things like that, but I'm putting them out there anyway.)

Have you ever thought about working in a library, Aghanwoo?

Agwhanoo,

I already donate to the local Humane Society and participate in fun events sponsored by that organization. I am strongly considering helping people with various disabilities in some way.

I think people with ASD are like cats. There is even a book "All Cats Have Asperger Syndrome." It's a children's book, but really cute. I recommend it for all cat lovers.

To my eyes they pass for NT, but I'm looking at them from an autistic viewpoint. No doubt you're right in that NTs may see through the camoflage. I'm sure there are mostly always some telltale, if subtle, signs.

Bearing in mind that I'm coming from a very different situation, it amazes me how these women at least seem to thrive. Maybe they have robust mental fortitude, an understanding workplace, a decent ability to compartmentalize, the right connections, or some combination thereof? It could be they're just exceptionally focussed and driven, and that gets them through.