Masking: what is it exactly, and what’s wrong with it?

Post Reply New Topic

Idk no one has pointed out where I'm looking since I was atleast a teenager, it only came up if I was being told off as a kid. "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" But since then people seem satisfied with me generally facing them? If it were such a huge disrespectful faux pas I would've known about it by now. I take having friends and a lack of enemies as a good sign that direct eye contact is overrated.
I know brits tend to be a bit more reserved and less loud and lovey dovey than Americans. So maybe Americans are going around lovingly gazing into the eyes of strangers and acquaintances or something so it's even more unusual to not join in? If anyone points out when I'm doing a faux pas, it tends to be when I'm talking too loud in public places. But I would probably blend in just fine in new york.

Edit: Oddly enough, I didn't know eye-contact was even a thing people did until I was a preteen when adults suddenly informed me I wasn't doing it and this means there's something wrong with me. Lol ok then. No one has bothered me about it since so what was the point in making me self conscious exactly??? I'm still looking all over the place all the same just feeling bad about it.

Masking is basically like being an actor. Except you have to do it constantly, you don't get any time off, and you don't get paid.

And they wonder why we're several times more likely to commit suicide.

This thread is both fascinating and confusing.

It seems like masking is a popular topic nowadays. Interestingly, it wasn't that common on Wrong Planet, back when I was diagnosed, almost 13 years ago.

I had some questions:

a) Is masking simply to make your authentic self more palatable to others? As an example, I know that others are not interested in my special interests (computers, etc.), so I avoid talking about these unless asked. Or, when someone else is talking, I use my manners (taught by good old mom) and listen intently and even nod or add in a verbal queue, to be polite.

OR

b) Or is masking simply attending social events you would otherwise avoid (e.g. networking events, social events) just because you "should" be doing it. That is, you would prefer to be alone in your room on the computer, but you suck it up because "it is good for you"?

OR

c) Is masking to adopt a false persona to become more acceptable? E.g., I want others to think I am cool and exciting, so I try to adopt a persona (e.g. like Tom Cruise or whoever the popular person of the day is)? And I pretend I am someone I am not?

OR

d) Something else

Based upon what others have written about (not necessarily here) -- it sounds like masking is something people optionally do. And they can mask and unmask at will. That it's a choice.

Just as a note, per my own psycho report, I have low executive functioning. I couldn't take on a false persona. My real time processor is too slow.

I know for me, social settings are very challenging:
a) In group conversations, my real-time processor isn't fast enough (especially if they are talking about something I am not intimately familiar with). I mainly listen (often bored). I feign interest (to be polite). When I think of something to contribute to the group conversation, the topic often times has shifted to something else. So again, I am polite and try not to interrupt the flow of conversation.

b) In 1:1 conversations, I am better. Because there are more pauses. I can ask questions (I am really good at that). I can provide answers (but don't really like to talk about myself). I am not good at topic switching. It takes a lot of brain power to figure out how to maintain a conversation. If i can "lock on" a topic, I can talk for a while about it.

c) I don't try to make or maintain eye contact. My eyes lock in on the mouth. I find the eyes distracting (and my mind goes blank).

I'm also curious whether others experience masking as a choice, or as something they couldn't stop doing even if they wanted to.

Thanks.

I understand it as hiding your autistic traits and assimilating more neurotypical norms. Doing this tends to make your social / work circumstances easier but depending on the severity of your autism, it can be absolute hell or not even effective in making yourself appear 'more normal'.

This is more akin to impulse control, of knowing when and when not to, than actual masking.

Actual masking involves more than just feigning interests and maintaining whatever social coherence or flow; it is also denying that you need to regulate by suppressing your stims, editing your thoughts over and over to make it palatable, denying your true opinions, mostly stems from the anxiety of possible rejections.
Masking is not making a "pleasant" version of your real you, it's a performance 'you' that others find acceptable yet you otherwise would've if it weren't for social expectations -- it is also a social self that's also beyond your own real social skills; like you need really good enough social skills to not disrupt whatever social flow AND not deny your needs/make your true opinions palatable or even persuade them outright to see your view at the same time.


It can very much be. This is a part of masking usually when people pleasing enters.
It can range from introverts pretending to be extroverts, to something completely strategic and deliberate for the sake of something like keeping up images and that's not preferable to you; physically, mentally, emotionally.

At best, it is rational, strategic. You understand the cost, pros and cons, the obligation and you deliberately take it. It is pure choice.
At worst, you are pleasing everyone and denying yourself. All because of the idea that you 'should'. In reality, you're being compliant to whatever narrative. Coerced by thoughts of what other people think.


It can be. But this isn't more like neurodivergent social masking, and more like roles fitting type of masking.
Which can be either appropriate or expressive if it's healthy in a developmental or even in logistical sense -- if it's not, it stems from insecurity and self loathing with a risk of going shallow born from cluelessness or the social 'hype'.

Sure, this can happen in autistics running a social script; which is also masking, tho that the outcomes of that are a mixed bag. It is also distinct from subconscious mirroring of one's own social company.
Still, in the end, if it's just for complying over the idea of "cool" and that's because you cared too much of other people's opinions; that's masking.
But if it's just embodying emulating you really like and not merely because that's what everyone sees and want to see; it's less of masking and more of choice you want to develop yourself.


Everything I had mentioned can overlap. All of the above can happen at the same time.


As for myself, masking is optional.
But that choice is removed if I'm too dysregulated, which happens more often than not.
Like you, my main problem in social performance is more about executive dysfunctions related.

MellowSnake and Edna3362 - Thanks for your replies. I find this thread about masking to be quite helpful.  I'm 62 and was diagnosed 13 years ago.  At the time, people didn't discuss masking a lot. So, I am now just understanding what it is.

What I believe people are saying masking requires:
- Suppressing my natural responses and needs
- Trying to construct and maintain a more socially acceptable version of myself
- Monitoring how what I’m saying or doing is being received
- Adjusting in real-time based on social feedback
- Doing all of this while also just ... existing

That's a lot of parallel processing.

Why masking is difficult for me:
The psychologist who diagnosed me identified issues with complex memory and executive function challenges in unstructured situations. In other words, my real-time processor is too slow.

In social situations -- networking events, parties, unstructured gatherings -- I can barely keep up with what's happening. I'm trying to:
- Follow what people are saying
- Figure out what to say next
- Determine when to interject
- Monitor whether I'm being appropriate

That's almost all of my processing capacity. There's not a lot left over to do more.

I can use scripts I learned young -- please, thank you, nodding, "oh interesting," asking follow-up questions to keep them talking. That's just pre-compiled responses to reduce processing load.

Whether that counts as 'masking' or just basic social adaptation, I'm not sure. But I can't do much more. My brain simply doesn't work that fast.

What I did instead:
When I was young, I tried to imitate my older brother. It didn’t work, and I couldn’t sustain it.

Over time, withdrawal became the only strategy that didn’t completely overwhelm me.

Different wiring, different adaptation:
- Some people can sustain heavy masking but pay in burnout
- I couldn't sustain that, so I withdrew instead - different cost (isolation), but sustainable

A thought for those who are burning out from masking:

Looking back, I can see that if something burns me out in minutes or hours, it probably isn’t a sustainable strategy for my wiring.

I believe you can have a meaningful life without forcing yourself into that level of discomfort. For me, it required finding a different path:

- Highly structured environments (e.g. where roles are clear/defined)
- Domains where I could go deep and become an expert
- Scripts for minimum viable social exchanges
- Acceptance that I won't be interesting to most people—and that's okay

It's not the life most people would choose. But it's sustainable. And, for me, sustainable beats being burned out.

I have a different personality for every different person I talk to, and this is kind of intentional since it's the easiest to converse with people when you tailor your responses to something they'll understand. The most difficult part of this for me is consolidating this all in to like, one person, because I have such a wide range and can act so drastically different... it makes me nervous about being "out of character" sometimes. But ultimately, the masks are a part of me, the only time it's excessively uncomfortable to mask is when I have to pretend to not be a girl or pretend to not completely hate what someone is saying. Lashing out at people over my disagreements with them just makes me feel embarassed, so I don't do stuff like that anymore. I hate my lack of courage but it is what it is I guess

Masking should not be overdone. You can't have a genuine relationsship with people if you pretend to be someone else. It's like - If people watch an action movie and fall in love with the hard boiled hero on the screen they will be dissapointed when they find out that they are in a relationship with a sensitive actor not even doing his own stunts.