Are you glad about the time you found out about AS?

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Your post touched me in some way.

It IS a shock when its confirmed and it takes a lot of time to come to terms with it. I would say anything up to a couple of years; its almost like a bereavement, only its not the loss it seems in the beginning, more a finding of the self, I hope that you can come to terms with finding yourself as you are.

Having ventured out to some extent into the wide open spaces, I can say that I am content in behind my own wall for the most part, it just takes time.

I don't really feel like rambling on at the moment but in some ways It would have helped to know. BUT, if I did, I probably would have given up and stopped trying to act normal. And learning this has greatly helped me in many ways

OMG!
That's exactly how I feel..
That's why my college is trying to do to me, so today I said 'f**k them' and I'm not going back! LOL

As for if I was glad when I found out, no I wasn't... because I was convinced it had ruined my life. I also believe I am over-diagnosed, after all the only thing on the spectrum I have is anxiety.. and loads of NT's have extreme anxiety too (and there is help for that...)

I was diagnosed just a few weeks ago, and my first reaction was, "So that explains so much in my life." Then I got a bit depressed because I started thinking that everything that I had accomplished was due to having a "syndrome."

Presently, I feel more comfortable with the diagnosis, but It still bothers me quite a bit. Some days I wish I didn't know for sure.

I do think the hyperlexia is pretty cool, though.

no

I only found out I have it in January, I have always assumed there was something different about me, I asked my psychiatrist if I had some sort of mental illness, other then being depressed and being ADHD, as I felt I was bipolar, and he told me not to worry about bipolar as I had none of the issues associated with that, but that I was very anti social, and had avoidance issues. I still wasn't satisfied, I still felt something else was going on, I have so many things that I would do, stimming, being a know it all according to others, having trouble with people, social cues, and saying inappropriate things. I would also fly into massive meltdowns, then go almost catatonic for up to 12 or more hours. I also had lots of difficulties with school, I was aways being punished be the teachers, and humiliated in front of the class, and was hit on numerous occasions by the teachers, so I never really ever learned anything of value other then the injustice of it all,I have problems with math anxieties to this day, but my reading comprehension was off the scale, but that was because of my father instilling a love of books and reading, he was the one who taught me, my only problem was getting the words out, I had the words, but no way of conveying or expressing them. I only found out about aspergers, when someone pointed out that I had alot of the traits, I thought aspergers was a type of mold, so I went online and started researching, and did all the tests, then talked to my family physician who came to the same conclusion. I am actually happier now that I know what or why I have always been a little different, now I can get on with my life.

It was a slow realisation.

I'm really excited about it.
I just wish I had known a lot sooner.

I am indifferent. The (preliminary) DSM-V may prove that I may actually be an NT.

Syndrome or disorder make it sound bad, someone on WP said maybe distinction would sound better

yeah. And then all those years of looking at autistic people and thinking . . "ewww" that pretty much blew up in my face, too.

Merle

Thanks, Ens, and welcome (even though I'm still a n00b myself here - but I'm not a n00b to being AS). I had to stand up for myself, alone, since I can remember as a child. It's impossible for anyone to get anything over on me at this point. I've seen it all ... over and over, actually.

There are a lot of stupid people, yes; but I don't consider anyone here stupid ... just slightly to massively damaged - the full spectrum of which I have been at in some point in my life.

Finally!! ! I'm a hero!


I normally wouldn't discard all NT's because many of them are as you say, and I know that. I lived among artists who can be very accepting of differences.

However, in the end, I have nobody. All the giving and loving and caring, all the standing up for and with the people I have known, I have done for nothing. I have wasted 27 years of my life on an NT friend. I have wasted 10 years of my life on an NT woman, who I only loved and who's daughter I adored and never hurt. I wasted 4 years of my life on my NT wife, who I took in to my home and who's two children I fed. I have wasted 44 years of my life on my mother - who never loved me and beat me regularly as a child ("My Own Private Mommy Dearest). I have wasted 44 years of my life on my NT family, who have kept me down - and other heinous things I cannot mention on this forum.

I have wasted 14 years of my life with my NT psychiatrist - who I never hurt at all - and who just hated all over me and informed that, essentially, he was never my psychiatrist, that if I wanted to talk about my life I was "talking to the wrong guy" (because I obviously needed to be talking to my 'real' psychiatrist), that - purely in the most hurtful manner possible, yelling rabidly at me while pointing and shaking his finger at me - I was "granduer", "a victim", "in denial", should feel guilty about making my mother's life difficult (OMG, is he gone completely insane here?), and that, finally, I am "delusional" ... all in what couldn't have been my last session with him, because he "burst my bubble" (yelling at me as I was leaving, with his arms - for real - up in the air in a gesture of victory), that I am "delusional".
Obvious he was right..
I was delusional, because I actually thought he was my psychiatrist for 14 years.

But, I've come to expect that, unfailingly, every NT will, in the end, try to hurt me as much as possible - because, in fact, every NT in my life has, in the end, tried to hurt me as much as they possibly could. Without exception.

After 45 years of being unhurtful, kind, courteous, thoughtful, caring, giving, sharing, etc., I now have nothing (because everything has been destroyed, stolen, lost, or simply missing) and no-one.

That's what you get from NT's, in the end. You waste your everything and you get 'blamed' for it, too. So, I know better than to ever waste my time or giving or caring on any NT ever again - even those who are accepting of differences.

I could go on for miles, writing about how each and every NT I have related to has been as hurtful to me as possible in the end. It is staggering that I was such a fool, staggering that I continued to trust, staggering that I continued to hope, staggering how much hurt and harm and venomous hatred they spit out at me.

Sorry, but 45 years of painful experience has taught me to make a stead-fast rule;
I will never, ever trust an NT, nor allow an NT into my life or my home, ever again. I am an utter fool if I do that, and deserve everything I get if I actually am that stupid ever again.

I need to 'think' that, I need to keep that in the front of my mind, always - because I am naturally kind, giving, caring, and compassionate (and, wow, do they take advantage of all of all this free stuff). I don't feel that way, but for my own protection I must think that way.


I have experienced love to its fullest.

I have given my love, to its fullest. I love far more than NT's are capable of.

I never "played the game" ... they do. I really feel those feelings, directly. NT's have personalities, and can only feel the 'sentiment' of the feeling.
This is why Autistics freak out about love. When NT's say "I love you," they don't - really; they only feel the sentiment of love. We can feel this so-called 'love' to be unreal, and so we deny the existence of it.
This is why Autistics freak out at "love chemicals" and such. It makes it all seem mechanical. But it isn't.
Love is very real; which is why Autistics freak out about it.

I have been told "I love you," too many times, and those words were never true, and I could feel that. I only recently - in this past year - discovered why.

I know, because until I was in my late 30's, I freaked out at the word "love", and could absolutely never say that word at all, for any reason.

Now I can. I know that NT's cannot love, and I can see that clearly now - and I know that I can love - very most fully. There is no question about how much I can truly accept and truly love. My love is very real - and it doesn't disappear, ever. It never goes away. I never retract it. I have never left a girlfriend (except one, who was a phoney socialite, and there was no love or professions of love between us anyway), and I have never betrayed a friend in my life.
I still care about all the NT's I have loved and given my love and acceptance to. That's what makes it hurt. I have always been forgiving. But I cannot afford to be forgiving with NT's anymore. I lose when I enter any relation with an NT.

Yes, it takes a very special lady, indeed. That she won't leave you - and somehow stop loving you - that, I have yet to find, myself.

I can't say don't love. You can, very much so - and you can experience real feelings which are real love. The problem is that NT's are not able to, and you do have to settle ... for the sentiment of love. But that does not prevent you from loving fully.

If you want to love, give your real love. But accept that your love is very real and true, and that NT's cannot love as powerfully as you are able to. This acceptance is part of the love you give. Love is giving, so don't be selfish and want more than an NT can give. You don't have to make commitments in order to love or give your love and acceptance. You can just love. You don't need to make commitments because you will always love who you love - it is they who will stop loving you (if that happens, unless you are very fortunate, indeed).

I will only give my love to Autistics, now.

But that doesn't mean you can't experience the most fullest life full of love and giving. You just have to understand NT's, and what they are, and ...oh, LOL ... it's rather funny in that way, because you have to accept them, and their inability to love directly, like you can. You have to give that acceptance everytime, and if you can, then you can - and will - experience whatever degree, fashion, amount, quality, or quantity of love you will allow yourself to.

Also, do not try and 'hang on' to a relationship and understand when the other person is drifting away. "If you love somebody, set them free," really is something you need to do and give - for your own well-being and survival.

There's more, now that I'm feeling and thinking about my life ... but I've written enough (as usual)

Oh, one last thing. No NT can survive an Autistic without a personality. You need a personlity if you are going to be loved by an NT. Don't worry, you aren't really your personality, and you'll find that personalities can be enormously delightful and playful. I might suggest a woman artist - the more off-beat, the better. Real, nitty-gritty artists make fun of their own personalities, play like children with their personalities, and can handle you when you don't feel like having a personality.

I'm a little negative, but that's because I've spent myself so much and I'm bitter; but really, it doesn't have to be negative at all - if you understand what's really going on. Then you can accept it for what it is, and it can be as fulfilling as you let it be. Understand that you are responsible for all the love in a relationship. You give your love and make love real. You do, by your giving. As long as you know, you won't be devastated like I was, and you won't have to become bitter like me.