Touching an Aspie...

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Nope, definately don't like to be touched. If I have some say in it eg: smoeone offers their hand to shake, I can deal with it, but if it's unexpected I either jerk back or freeze. It isn't a physical thing either because I barely feel it, it's more of a personal space issue. I don't even like people getting close to me.

Yes. They basically start to physically block me from everyone. That I do notice because suddenly they are in front of me and I can't get around them. But, it happens more with men or with women I know quite well and tend to be around quite a bit. That behavior usually ends up in a face off with my co-workers who take exception to it (and I work with mostly techno-geek men). Eventually, they will get upset about it and confront the man which of course is extremely distressing to me because I can't stand loud, angry voices.

The last time this happened was last summer. My boss hired another writer to help me. This was a man who I had met once but never worked with. He started it almost immediately. My boss, who is a six foot tall woman and one of those very corporate types, ironically is very mom-like around me. Our Administrative Assistant and the other guy in our group picked up on it and went to her. After she saw it, she took him in her office and he ended up finding another job in another state. He didn't try to contact me at all which was weird because that usually happens and goes on for awhile. Anyway, when that was done, my boss had facilities build out some office space by her office and sat me back there. Now everyone has to pass by her office to get to me.


That's so weird what you said about prison and inmates. Now I feel like food on a plate. This is going to weird me out even more. I read your posts to one of my brothers and he told me that of course this is what's going on but I never notice anything and that's why they do that to me. I thought about it all night. I feel like there's a world going on around me that I know nothing about. It's like some weird string theory where they can all see into my world and I can't see into theirs.


Anyway, I'm glad you told me about the bouncers. I still remember one distinctly after all these years. His name was George. He watched out for me the most.

Well, I didnt want to upset you, but if it causes you to be extra cautious, then its worth it.

Sounds like you have a good boss, and indeed, good people around you.

She fired him based on that? If he wasnt allowed the oportunity to correct his behaviour, he must have really set her alarm bells off, or perhaps he wasnt prepared to apologise. Hard to say.

This doesnt happen to all aspies, obviously.

You might be very petite, and extremely pretty, but that usually works to curb unwanted behavior because of a desire to please the object of ones affection. This is a failure of social mind on their part.

They could be aspies too... but narcassist is more likely. If you were body signalling a willingness to be bullied, more people would take the oportunity. Since most people seem to take the exact opposite tack, and are protective, it is something internalized with the men in question. If it were an aspie, they simply wouldnt pick up on the cues, or, at least, respond to them.

Ok. A few things.

Dont back away from such men. A wall is inevitable. Take side steps. The effect you are looking for is to get them to have to turn their body to orient to you. Basically, side step in a circle around them.

When standing and speaking with these people position yourself so that three people may face each other. Face to face is an indicator of a closed conversation. Breaking that sends the signal "I dont want to be alone with you". See thing number one.

When sitting, and they lean over you, or come from behind, stand up. If you knock into them, all the better. You might be short, so using a chair to mash their shins(just lightly the first time) teaches a good lesson, and you can say always say "oops, sorry". So be it. They got in your way.

Hold your husbands hand around them. Perhaps you already do.

Basically, their modus operandi is the confrontation, face to face. You want to break that up, get outside the rules of their behavior set. Its about putting you on the defensive and controlling your options.

If we look back to the statements they make "Did you have lunch?" "I brought you your coffee", we see it again. The question is not a open question. It leads to yes or no. Likewise, bringing you coffee without asking puts you on the spot. You cannot refuse. Same with the gifts.

So they expect two things. Confrontation or fleeing. They are prepared for either. They will have many little tricks to steer you towards those behaviours.

Actually sidestepping when they do that is a good thing. I did something similar as a bouncer when someone sober and aware, and bigger, and tougher actually wanted to fight. A lot of what we did relied on surprise, quick reflexes and group tactics. It wasnt about fighting skill or toughness.

I would make a quick judgement as to their handedness and start stepping sideways. If they were
right handed, I would step right, as their punch would have a leftward bias. This would also keep their head somewhat turned and their eyes focused on me. A left punch would be shortened by the width of their body.

Sooner or later, they would turn their body and have their back to another bouncer, or they would try to flip the other way around, and I could grab them. This worked for 95% of the people out there. I could be in a fight and not actually be fighting. I wasnt backing off either. My behavior was tangental to the ruleset most people have for fighting.

I would like to add that circling is extremely unnerving to human predators. You can even do it verbally, but dont ask me how! The only one I know is to just shut and not answer. Its a good aspie trait.

I don't believe my boss fired him. Whatever she said to him, he looked for another job while he was here and got one out of state. He did continue the behavior, but only if no one was around and certainly not if she was anywhere in the vicinity. I have a feeling it was more of a thing where she let him know that she knows everyone of note here and his chances of going anywhere in this company were effectively over. She does have a lot of corporate power and she doesn't put up with any crap at work. It's hard to say. You never really know what she says, she just gets things done.


I am petite and I suppose what you would call pretty or cute (what I call girly for a geek)...I don't know. That's such a weird thing to say about yourself. Here is what I know for sure from experience. The kinds of guys I recognize are attracted to me (and you have to take into consideration that I'm usually in my own head and wouldn't notice someone looking at me unless I fell over them, so these are the really obvious ones) are always arrogant, overbearing, controlling, intellectual and usually A/R or OCD. I've always said it's because I'm cerebral, not domestic, so I don't notice things in my own environment. Those men perceive me as chaotic and they are extremely orderly so they want to impose their order on my chaos. Order always wants to impose itself on chaos. That's always been my theory anyhow.


I would love to say I will do those things, but this is why I'm not sure (although I will try!) - For the most part, I live in my head and I'm extremely unaware of my surroundings. For instance, I will walk along until I walk into a door because I'm lost in my own thoughts. My husband has gotten all over me about that in the past because it frightens him, but when I try to force myself to be aware of what's going on around me, I become extremely agitated because of all the talking and movement and I lose all the enjoyment and calm I get from being inside my own head. When I'm actually at my desk, I'm lost in my work. I don't hear or see anything going on around me. So, when one of these incidents happens, it's like the man is appearing to me literally. I'm not aware of them at all until they are right there. That startles me so bad that I just basically curl up. I know. I'm not supposed to do that, but it freaks me out and when I'm freaked out like that, I freeze and pull into myself. I probably move into the wall and hunch up. I definitely hunch up if I'm at my desk. It's the same response I have if someone just walks up behind me and starts talking NT small talk. I'm just startled out of my head and I freeze because the shock is so great. I'll try to do those things though. I just don't want to be living in constant anxiety. I enjoy my job and I don't want to lose that. (Believe or not, I'm better. I used to just get startled and start crying in fear.)


I do hold my husband's hand when I'm around him and I stick close to him. Sometimes I'll wander off if I see something interesting, but that causes him anxiety so I try to remember not to do it. Like I said, he would never allow it to happen around him. That's why I only notice it if I'm at work or out with friends. (Forget my best friend who is also an Aspie. That's the blind leading the blind right there.) I just feel badly because I know this causes my husband stress and he is the one who is constantly compensating so I can enjoy being in my own little world.

He did do one thing years ago. He got me a dog to go with me if I went out alone. I used to have a Doberman and she was excellent at reading people. Only a few times did she take exception to a man and when she did, she put herself between me and the guy and stared. The hair came up on the back of her neck, she stiffened up and lowered her head. In each case they sidestepped and apologized. She never attacked, but her intentions were very clear. It gave me the creeps like they meant to do me harm, but at least she knew what was going on when I didn't. Now I have a German Shepherd. He's not nearly as intuitive (that I can tell anyway) and in fact he's kind of goofy, but his sheer size and breed keeps men away from me. Of course, my dogs are pets so they don't go to work with me.

I do not like if strangers touch me or get physically close. It is suffering.

this is actually a problem for me. can't touch people much outside the context of sex, it just feels very uncomfortable. unfortunately, that means i've had girlfriends who got quite upset when i refused to snuggle with them at night. they figure it means i don't care for them.

wat_phnom just curious. did you really care about them?

Oh thank you. I'm not alone in adoring and welcoming (expected) touch, especially nice tight hugs. I love being stroked or squeezed gently, but light touch just is a no-no. Firm touch I love, and it used to be embarrassing that some forms of non-sexual toch would overload me (in a toyally pleasureable way, mind you) that I would physically collapse. Thankfully, that hasn't happened now for many years.

JulieArticuno

I don't really have a major problem with it.
As long as it's not excessive.
I've got this guy at work whose always touching everyone constantly.
But than again i'm not the only one whose annoyed by that.

There are only 2 people i make physical contact with alot.
My girlfriend and this touchy female at work.
Don't mind it from either of them really since i'm a guy

I've found that touching only bothers me when it's someone in my immediate family. When one of my parents or my sister tries to hug me or anything, I always shrink away. This holds especially true for my mom, who does it excessively just to be annoying. Yet at the same time, at school or with other people my own age, it doesn't bug me at all... I'll nudge friends or pull on their clothing all the time in classes and social events, and feel completely comfortable when others do it to me. I don't know why I act so different under the two circumstances, but that's always been the way it is for me.

I don't like people hugging me or touch me, and I hate kisses; but my reaction depends of the situation and who is trying to hug/kiss me, maybe I can be tolerant, I can shrink him/her away, or attack them (only in extreme cases).

I like touching, but it makes me feel uncomfortable and strange.

I get irriated, if a complete stranger touches me or hugs me.

I get irritated if someone I know is trying to wind me up by touching me or hugging me.

I wouldn't mind if someone I know holds my hand or hugs me, if they're worth hugging or holding hands with.

I don't like being touched by people I don't know, unless it's by my grandma who I do know. I just hate the way she just has to touch me. It feels uncomfortable. I do like being hugged by my mom though, but I don't like being kissed. It makes me feel all gross and want to rub it off. If I am to be touched I prefer it not to be light and more firm.

I like hugs and to cuddle. BUT,If you grab me without warning all of a sudden,or give you touch me too hard,I tend to get very angry.


-SpaceCase

I like receiving hugs from my best friend and her children, and from a very sparse handful of other people. I hate it when strangers or even acquaintances try to touch or hug me; it feels threatening and/or obligatory, and grates my last nerve. And while I don't mind being touched by certain people I don't like prolonged contact at all... I just want to get away!! ! What really gets my goat is people poking or pulling at me...I've hurt a few people for doing that!

I also can't stand people sitting or standing really close to me, and it seems that I have a stamp on my forehead saying "Come bug me!" or something... sigh...