Why do I have to understand?

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I know this is awful and their conscious minds won't be thinking it unless they're racist misogynists but subconsciously there's probably a part of them which is ageist/racist/sexist and expects you to be a strong, nannying type there to take on the burden of everyone else's emotional needs without a thought for yourself. Because that's stereotypically how the media has portrayed middle aged black women.

So when you present with needs of your own, especially autistic needs (autism is stereotyped as a white boy in chidhood's thing by the media), they probably don't know how to handle it.

Like I said just be honest with them and explain things clearly giving examples which have nothing to do with them.

White guys on this site will probably say 'this happens to everyone' which is true (especially for autistic people) but I get it less as a young white woman who looks like a teenager than an older black woman would. I think I'd get it more if I was male (men are expected to be stoic) but then if I said 'I'm autistic' they'd be quicker to believe me.

I think you might be right TUF.