The "social skills" dellusion

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Yeah I had a co-worker who I found I just couldn't get along with. Unfortunately I was stuck doing team work with her, ugh. Eventually I realised the best thing to do was smile at her and be nice and friendly but keep a sort of wall between us, and be fake in general.

It actually worked because we just got on with working together and being friendly and fake but we no longer had to pretend we liked each other. It was harmonious, the fakeness created a sort of wall between us protecting ourselves from each other.

It was a strange discovery, and it made me realise what a bizarre thing work is, throwing people together with vastly different backgrounds and neurostructures and expecting them to work well together, and not irritate each other, but yet all conflict has to be kept invisible or below the surface. Doesn't make much sense!

No wonder aspies find it confusing, I think everyone finds work culture odd or confusing if they were honest with themselves. I have worked in quite a few offices and have seen all sorts of strange social situations.

I could've written that word by word! That's how it is (at least in my experience) at work. And as you say, we're expected by the HR Gestapo to keep any conflicts well undercover, and solve all relating problems in passive-aggressive ways so as to give an image of a workplace with no conflicts. Eg: you're expected to backstab instead of yell when someone hurts you. You're supposed to call in sick instead of complaining of your boss's abuse the previous day. You're expected to ""forget" including a co-worker at lunch instead of confronting them about something unfair they did to you. Etc. etc.

In my AS naivite, I used to think that HR were indeed there to make employees happy. I was over 40 when I discovered what everyone else knows at work, that they're there to act as broad-smiled policewomen for the Management.

To me, it is not a matter of learning but rather doing. Of course, doing is interfered by my desire for space. That desire for space makes me quite distant.

"Well, I don't know, it didn't occur to me to ask!" "

This was a cultural difference--you could have mentioned how where you come from the number of rooms is a priority. If she were to remain indifferent, then she is dull and not a curious person. But, you are definitely off the hook as seeming awkward. You would be putting the ball in her corner. I do this quite a bit--learned how to dig myself out of awkward situations.

Your comment was legitimate from your perspective--that's all that counts.
equinn

I think I did explain, actually, and got off the hook fine. It's easy to get away with it when you're from a different culture. People forgive you more, they think your blunders are connected to your different culture. Actually, when people ask where's a good place for an aspie to live, I say anywhere you weren't raised in, because that gives you an excuse.

I'm always surprised when people make such a fuss over minor things.
I myself am never offended when someone makes a weird question unless there's an implied barb to it (which I think I can read well).
Also, educated people should be aware of cultural differences.
. . .but then, that's just me. The world doesn't seem to agree with me.

Another, little observation on social skills:

There's this psychopath workplace-bully type at work, extremely extroverted, obsessed with women, doesn't shut the hell up. . . ever. . . .spreads rumors about me, sucks up to the people I work with, stares at me, tries to ridicule me indirectly in his antics, etc. . .
The other day I arrived at the elevators hall and he's there glaring at me already as I walked through the door. As I approach, I say hi to him to show that I'm polite and beyond his antics.
He turned his head away and pretended to be staring at someone approaching over my shoulder.
No one he knew was really arriving. Some girls entered the elevator with us but he only did some smalltalk with a random acquaintance of his. It was too obvious the idiot was uncomfortable to have run into me without 4 or 3 buddies of his and was desperate to busy himself socializing with whoever else. When the guy he was exchanging comments with go off - his edginess became all the more obvious.
Note that this is a guy that shouts around the office that I'm rude for not greeting him. . .
It's all such a lie. . .

"Social skills" is also a term that can be used to succinctly describe a diverse and complex group of issues that affect one's ability to interact socially. It may not be the best combination of words for that purpose, but people seem to understand what it means. For example, if I talked about "social intuition", I think a lot of people would be confused, but if I say, "social skills," I think most people understand that I'm referring to the general ability to interact socially and everything involved therein.

I've tried and tried only to get kicked down by the same people who tell me to try!

Kim, I'm the best at not understanding what everyone understands from a widely used term. So I think your observation is right. However, the term is totally misleading because skills mean something you can learn, while intuition means something you can't learn. Therefore, the term "social skills", if used to mean "social intuition" is a ridiculous oxymoron.

Ugly isn't it.

Well, our language is full of ridiculous oxymorons, and attempts to change this seem only to lead to new ridiculous oxymorons or other forms of ridiculousness. It's somewhat amusing, imo.

I am very forgiving of other people's social blunders and even try to accommodate them. I guess because I know what it feels like. I have noticed that to "entertain" someone's blunders is socially unacceptable. You are supposed to ignore the person, which explains why I often get a cold shoulder.

I have a very Aspie friend who moved to Europe. He has been living there for 10 yrs and is having the time of his life - socially. They see him as fun, eccentric, entertaining and interesting.