Son yells "shut up" when I try to ask him somethi

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this is going nowhere for one we do not know enouth as has been stated. two pekkkla seemingly hasnt taken any advice onboard and used it therefore it would seem this is a redundent exersise.. unless you whant to have a debate on parating styles. i sugest this thread and other like it should be locked or at least moved to the PPR

Three posts written by a parent describing behavior, while refusing to answer any questions or respond to any suggestions about the situation does not give a proper context. There is no information about giving him any help. There is no information about any support he is receiving. There are no answers to questions about whether he is being provided with any support, or any alternatives. You don't know what's going on, I don't know what's going on, and we're not getting any answers. You can't know what the kid needs based on his mother's posts when she won't even answer simple questions about what's going on.
If he does this stuff, and her response is to run off to WP and complain about it, and not bother to find any solutions, what is punishing him possibly going to do? She hasn't told us what has and hasn't been tried. She hasn't told him if there's anyone he can talk to, or if there is anybody that he trusts. She hasn't told us if there is anywhere that he feels safe. She hasn't told us if there is anybody that SHE can talk to! Three stories from his mother about how "ridiculous" his behavior is is not contextual information! You're taking some situation from your life and trying to press him into it without knowing if it fits!
Despite that she seems able to guilt-trip anybody who contradicts her by doubting her story, she's said nothing about anything that anybody has suggested, and has answered none of the questions posed by anybody on this forum. She just starts a new post about his "ridiculous" behavior. It doesn't add up.
I think you have some kind of agenda here, granatelli.. maybe it relates to something you went through, but it's not necessarily the same. There just isn't enough information for you to make the decisions you're so sure of.

Edit: I agree with scorpileo. This has turned into a parenting debate.. another one of those "do we need to understand them or just punish them?" arguments.

Last edited by Maggiedoll on 22 Sep 2009, 5:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I still think she's a liar, and is doing this for attention and is a troll. But thats just me.

The issue isn't as simple as you think it is. Punishing an unstable person is a bad idea regardless of whether you think he deserves it. He may go on a rampage and destroy the house or hurt himself. I suppose the parents could call the police and have them beat the living sh*t out of him and haul him off to prison but is that really worth it? It makes more sense to treat the root problem than to inflict punishment for behaviors.

I don't disagree that if he's got some deep emotional problems that she (his mom) should try to get to the bottom of what is really bothering him. But what if, when it's all said & done, that he's just a spoiled, self centered, immature jerk? It's not uncommon with teenagers. They get in that spot between child and adult & they go apeshit for a couple years until the real world kicks them in the behind & sets them straight.

Advising his family to tip toe around his antics because they might "set him off" is no solution. Again, this is a tough one because the kid has put a wall around himself & doesn't seem to want anyone to help him.

ooo

Last edited by mysassyself on 26 Sep 2009, 9:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

my point exactly. thank you

i dont believe she said such i mean yes she said she had AS but not that she was overwelmed. any how this has gone on far too long.

She's said NOTHING AT ALL besides the original posts and then the "I'm not looking for attention" bit. In one of the posts she said "this never would have happened a year ago." There's been no mention of how he's responded to anything she's done to try to help the situation, or if she has done anything to try to help the situation. That's why this whole thread is so ridiculous. We don't know what, if anything, has been tried! Without knowing that, how can anybody know if he's overwhelmed or spoiled?


And advising them to punish him when you don't actually know if he's spoiled or having serious issues? That's more helpful? What they have to do is FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON! Without any answers, we don't know. And consider this-- look at all the people on this forum who are getting upset because they're saying things to pekkla, when she's asked for advice, and feeling like they're being completely ignored. Seems possible to me that the thirteen-year-old aspie kid she's talking about is having similar feelings-- but way more intense! Think that might contribute to some of this behavior?
Sometimes punishing them makes them go more "apeshit." You have to know what's going on before you can say what should happen, and there haven't been any answers!

At this point, this thread has absolutely nothing to do with pekkla's son. It's an argument over "today's kids."

AS is not an excuse. He needs to be accountable for his actions just like everyone else. Even if he did have serious issues that need to be addressed, even that is not an excuse for his behavior, and he needs consequences.

There can be consequences that aren't punishment. A repeated theme here is that a lot of kids with AS need somewhere they can go when they're overwhelmed, where they can calm down and won't be bothered. At least one person has mentioned providing this for their child, along with a comment that they didn't often go there at first because it felt like a punishment, but that I think later they started to be able to use that resource. AS is not an excuse for everything. But there are excuses, or at least valid reasons, for some things.
I was raised not to "make excuses," but it didn't work particularly well, because it frequently led me not to give reasonable explanations for my behavior. It's not "making excuses" to explain why you do something and what might help you not to do it. And if someone has help so that they melt down less, then fewer "excuses" are needed. There's a (subtle) difference between an excuse and an explanation. An explanation helps people understand what's going on, and sometimes helps them understand why what they see isn't exactly as it appears. Of course, we don't have any information here, which is why you don't know whether AS would be used as an excuse or an explanation in this case, or whether it would help or hurt to consider that explanation. Again, you're drawing conclusions without any information.
Maybe the kid does need "consequences," I don't know. Neither do you.

OK. If that's the case I still stand by my opinion.

There seem to be some here that want to excuse behavior because someone has AS. While I absolutely believe that a parent in that situation should be understanding and accomodating of his AS some things are still not acceptable in any form. Such as causing property damage and physically threatening to murder someone.

Again, I'm not so much an advocate of "punishing" as I am having consequences. That's the way the real world is and pretty soon her son is going to find that out. His mother does him no favors by tip toeing around him trying not to upset him.

You keep saying you want to get to the bottom of why he is acting this way, as if there could ever be an excuse that would make it OK.

Go to any prison. They are filled to the rafters with people who feel that they had a good reason to do the things they did to get them there. They all have an excuse. Dad wasn't there, mom was mean, I was picked on in school, the teachers didn't understand etc etc. But in the end if a member of your family was injured or killed by one of these guys do you really give a crap why they did what they did?

I stand by my opinion. She needs to try & talk to her son (when he's calm & not acting like a dick) & try to get to the bottom of what is bothering him. She needs to make it clear that kind of behavior is unacceptable & that there will be consequences if he acts like that again. She needs to be loving, but firm. This "Don't take his video game away because that will only make him madder." line of thinking is, IMO, crap. People with AS can be just as manipulative as NT's, especially if they're teenagers.

"Maybe"? If you don't think there should be a consequence for smashing a hole in the wall with your bare fist & threatening to kill your mother I don't know what else I can say.

Except what he said wasn't that he was going to, but that he wanted to. I want to win the lottery.
Wanting to kill somebody usually involves feeling a lot of frustration. It's possible that a thirteen year old who feels like he has no options and nobody on his side, nobody to talk to, nobody that will listen to him, no way to escape when he feels so overwhelmed that he wants to kill people, needs help feeling less frustrated, rather than "consequences" that end up making him feel MORE frustrated. If he doesn't have coping skills, he needs somebody to teach him some. There's been no answer as to whether he's in therapy, whether he has anybody he trusts to talk to, whether he has any options of something to do when he gets too overwhelmed. Before needing consequences, he needs options. If he has options, and chooses to do these things, he needs consequences. If he feels trapped and without any choices, then he needs some choices before consequences could possibly do anything besides make him more upset. Consequences for behaviors that someone didn't choose do nothing but increase anger and frustration. Are you privy to some kind of information about this particular child's situation that I don't know about?

No. And I understand what you're saying. But how you would translate that into a realistic plan of action considering the circumstances I don't know. Yes, it would be great if the mom could sit down w/the kid & get to the bottom of this. There's a small problem though. When she tries to talk to him he screams "SHUT UP!" at her. How do you propose getting around that?

That depends, largely, on what has already been tried. Since the mother doesn't answer questions about it, there's no way to know. My point is simply that without that information, it can't be decided that "consequences" are what's needed. If the kid has somebody he trusts, maybe they could help come up with a plan. As I've mentioned as a possibility, which some parents in this forum have mentioned doing with their children, finding a safe place where he can go to calm down when he's overwhelmed might be an option.

When I was sixteen, one day in school I was having a total breakdown. So, instead of going to one particularly bad class, I went to the guidance office instead. I eventually managed to calm down and to get to my next class. A few days later, school security tried to suspend me for "cutting class." He said "What if everyone did that?" Well, um, what I should have pointed out was that if every student who was having a breakdown went to the guidance office for help, there might not be so much of a school violence problem. Luckily, I had a teacher who I was very close to who spoke to the principle about the situation. The principle agreed that when I was having a breakdown, going to the guidance office was the responsible thing to do. Students aren't allowed to cut class, but they're certainly allowed to find help when they're having a mental breakdown. By your reasoning that there "are no excuses," should I then have been suspended from school for going to the guidance office? (Asking that particular teacher whose class I didn't go to that day to let me go to the guidance office wasn't an option-- he also gave me trouble for missing class for the music lessons I was required to attend.)

You need to know the situation surrounding a behavior before knowing what kind of consequences are needed to deal with that behavior. Since pekkla refuses to answer about what options her son might have, or what help he might be getting, how can we possibly know what consequences might be appropriate?