People being hostile

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Whenever I first meet someone I always put on the "I'm normal" act (make eye contat, small talk, etc). Then when I see them again I always try to say hello, etc and just generally try to be nice to them, and they still act friendly. But over time the person seems to get cold, and some even become hostile, snapping at me, etc.

I have no idea what I'm doing (or not doing) to cause this to happen? Perhaps I'm not providing people with a certain non-verbal social cue that makes them think I like them, so they assume I'm ignorant, snobby, etc?

It can be quite distressing, especially when you genuinely like the other person, and then they are mean to you

I've had it happen to me that people I initally liked started to act a bit hostile toward me, even though I thought I hadn't done anything to antagonise them. My assumption at those times was that perhaps they felt I was a bit weird, and that they held that against me.

Even if you think you come across perfectly normally, it may be that they pick up on things in you that still shine through ever so slightly. But don't feel bad if someone you thought you might like treats you unfairly, because if they do, they really don't deserve your friendly attention at all.

Maybe you are trying too hard? It can be annoying when a person is trying to be too friendly. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it, but maybe you use too much "energy" when you meet these people? That can be irritating, and most people will only tolerate it for so long. That's just a possibility, so don't take it personally. I'm just guessing.

that's me.

Apparently....Originally I'm 'reserved' but over time I get severly /b/tarded. Just yesterday some people were paranoid I'd get them all jumped/shot because I was waving a sign around the El stations/in the tracks/in the city center saying "In order to be a man, you must have honor, honor and a penis"

I was asking random people if they agree.

They're paranoid...if I had some channers with me

EDIT: one of the people I was with knows what loli is as I pointed out people won't complain due to o one saying anything about me wearing a "lolita lover" badge around places. He responded, "loli"? I probed him about shots, futa, etc. He says he doesn't lie futa. He also knows the cake is a lie......I need to probe him for more information, he doesn't claim to know what 4chan is...

EDIT 2: yeah me being unwrapped scares the normies away or angers them. lol as some cousins I was talking to in a reunion went from thinking I'm "too mature" to thinking *chan is a cult and afraid of me going on the sites due to the e-terrorism and porn on there as I told them about the reputation we have

Maybe you're putting too much pressure on them... if you're not close friends, they might not want to talk more than a little bit here and there, even if they're fond of you. I know that I sometimes begin to negatively anticipate certain people coming over to talk to me, because there are some people that it just seems like work to talk to. It begins to be annoying after a while.

I find it's a good idea to just assume everyone finds me very uninteresting and doesn't want to hear what I have to say. XD; That way, I don't annoy anyone. You might lose contact with some people you like if you do this, but if they like you back, then they'll usually make an effort to talk to you and you can meet them halfway.

I've experienced this also.

I've tried talking to people several times in the conventional way.

When I've approached them first, it's almost always resulted in a negative reaction from the other party. This is why I'm always afraid of approaching the other people first, given the reactions I've had in the past.


Here's what I think's going on:

A person need to be receiving certain non-verbal cues from the other person in order to feel socially comfortable with him/her.


People feed off of each other's positive "non-verbal signals".
Anyone who doesn't produce the "right" social signals, is recommended to have "social skills training". I believe that part of this is actually that other people want to feel comfortable, so by instructing others on how to behave properly socially, they are trying to convert these people into individuals that they are more comfortable interacting with!

People such, as ourselves, may not be born with the ability provide these social signals on cue naturally. So essentially, it's not socially fair, but it isn't really our fault.

This, however, doesn't stop other people expecting these "appropriate" non-verbal signals from us or judging us on them!

It certainly doesn't stop others trying to force us to behave "normally", even when in reality, that might not be 100% possible.

I'm not completely immune from this either, I also seem to subconsciously expect other people to show the friendly "non-verbals" and when I don't, I feel uncomfortable also. I say this even though, due to some of my difficulty reading social signals, I'm much more tolerant of others than perhaps I "should" be. Sometimes almost to the point of "naivety". That's what people mean when they say that something's "off" or they "can't quite put their finger on it". That's the weird part about it.

I believe that it's a essentially a gut reaction. It's the gut reaction that protects other people from being attacked and taken advantage off. Any social discomfort a person feels in the presence of another is basically saying to the subconscious:
"Fight or flight."

This translates into the emotions of fear or awe.

So in this way, my approaching people first comes across as aggressive and domineering, even when this isn't the intention at all, because basically I'm inadvertently sending out all the "wrong" signals.

This is why I've found the advice given out in some self help and confidence manuals especially dangerous. I've acted extremely confident and psyched up, said all the "right" things, and people have still called me a %$@£@!

Overdoing or under-doing it for me is an extreme problem.

What if some of those non-verbal signals cannot be changed?
Perhaps this is why "learning all the right lines" and body language doesn't work for me a lot of the time. I might still be perceived as wooden or aloof, even when I'm trying my hardest!

If however, you can show that you don't pose a threat by being submissive or by helping the other person when they ask for help, the outcome is more positive.


I read somewhere that people are perceived as more intelligent, honest and attractive when they smile in the "right" way and engage the other person. It's a gut reaction. A lot of the time, this gut reaction can be very misguided indeed! The smiling person could actually be a manipulative crook, but often gets away with things.


This harsh reality "came to me" in my mind yesterday.
It completely ruined my afternoon.


Another example of this kind of gut reaction would be a person avoiding someone with a facial disfigurement. I believe this happens because many of us are genetically programmed to view symmetrical faces as "nicer" and "more attractive": even when the "attractive" person may not be very honest or pleasant at all!


Basically, a gut reaction makes someone feel repulsed at first, even when the other person with "flat affect" or a facial disfigurement may not pose a threat and may actually be a good friend.


I think that many people notice the face and the eyes first on meeting, then within a split second, make a judgement about the other person. This happens at interviews. This "knee jerk reaction" is exacerbated by being surrounded by a superficial culture that values appearances and social skills above everything else.

The good news is, that it is possible with determined effort, to reprogram the mind using conscious thought if you're irrationally afraid of something. For example, lots of people are irrationally afraid of non-poisonous spiders, this is a gut reaction that can be lessened by desentisation and re-educating the mind.


By getting to know the other person properly and viewing them as an individual, this irrational fear can be overcome to some extent.


I'm working on these things myself.
I can be judgmental about others without even realising it.
It's hard sometimes.
My relationship maintenance and negotiation skills could be a lot better.
When I was little, I was never really taught these, maybe because I was surrounded by people who were having difficulties with these issues themselves.


Awareness can be raised, but it is this human "knee jerk", gut reaction that causes all of the misunderstandings and unnecessary suffering.