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I have nobody to talk to

Here is a little background.

I have been socially awkward for as long as I can remember. I thought my social awkwardness was a result of my bother dying and that maybe that effected my development. My brother died when I was 5 but still remember everything. Through out K12 I have always had a hard time fitting in. I wanted to drop out of school SOOOO bad. Of course my parents wouldn't hear of it. I eventually got so damn depressed that I wanted to take my life. My parents finally responded with taking me to a psychiatrist. Over my time with the psychiatrist he prescribed things that helped my depression and helped somewhat with my social anxiety.

After high school, I was determined that I was going to start fresh and have an entirely different experience in college. I got accepted to a private selective residential liberal arts college. I was so excited that things were going to be different. The school had a two-year residency requirement (you had to live on campus). I was really nervous about this so I had my parents get a wavier for this. I instead commuted from home which was about 45 min away. The professors were stellar but I never felt like I fit in. In the beginning of the year there was this outdoor retreat where all the incoming freshman could camp together and get to know each other. I went ....this is so embarrassing but I felt so much social anxiety that I hid in the woods and called my mom on my cell phone to come and pick me up. She thought it was a bad idea because of what the other students would think of me so she encouraged me to stay. I spent the full week but it was hell. I had to start and stop the school many times due to depression and social anxiety. I stopped so many times that the school got rid of the program that I was pursuing.

I thought maybe I would be OK in the workplace. I gave college a break and got hired on a Fortune 500 company as a technical operator. Basically I conducted experiments for electronic/chemical engineers in a research and development lab. I was stoked, I really thought this was going to work. I got certified in all the crap that they wanted me to get certified in but the social aspect was awful. I ended up leaving after a year. I left on a good note though. I just told them I wanted to go back to school to finish my degree.

So...I transferred to a mediocre college in another city and state. My parents bought me a condo. The goal was to help me transition into living independently. The mediocre college was mostly a commuter school so it didn't have the pressure to belong as much. I finished my degree (I ended up changing my degree from computer science to business). I overloaded on credits so I basically just studied ALL the time. I only took breaks to eat. After school, I started to see a CBT therapist to see if I could get moving. I was making minimal progress. My psychiatrist thought maybe I had aspergers so he recommended that I get checked. After over a year I was not making progress and I didn't have a job so my parents made me move back home until I could get on my feet. I felt defeated but they assured me that if I get on my feet at home (get a job) then I could move back into my condo in another state. I got a job at a for-profit university. The combination of the social anxiety and the feeling that I felt like I sucked at the job led me to quit that job after almost a year. They used terms like "withdrawn" etc on my review.

So I am pretty much stuck. A lot of my things are still in the other state with the condo. My car is still there I really don't want to bring my things back to my parents house because it feels like defeat and I will never get back there. I am not sure what type of job etc to get. I am so lost. I feel like such a loser. I was hoping that I would have a decent job and that I could be working toward a graduate degree or something. My aspergers test is in a week so at least I will know what I got.

Thanks for listening to my story. I have no friends.

Hello Jaydog,

I hope that getting to the root cause of your social difficulties (AS or something else) will help you drop off some of the baggage you are carrying and help you make adjustments. Knowing what you're up against and being able to make adjustments for it can improve your self image and quality of life. I think the majority of people here have either felt like or feel like you do right now. So don't think you're the only one that has been through these types of difficulties. I hope that's comforting.

j0sh

Thanks josh.

You don't HAVE to fit in.

You can telecommute on the internet.
You can become a forest ranger.
Or a lighthouse keeper.
Or a beachcomber.
Or a hippie who makes pottery or leather belts.

You don't have to play by their rules and accept their standards.

I agree with the previous post. Work for yourself or find a job where you can be in an office all day and not interact with people. There are plenty of them out there.

I know it sounds bad from your angle, but reading through your post, there are a number of things you could do.

You enjoy studying; could you go back to college and train to be a professor? You'd have to lecture, but that's a one-way thing mainly, and most professors I've met haven't exactly got stellar social skills.

With regards to your condo, you could always rent it out for a while and use the money earned to go travelling or to live elsewhere.

Don't see moving back in with your parents as defeat; you're just taking a break, the same as a lot of people.

Thanks for the feedback.

I am sure there is something I can do. It's just finding it. I thought about going back to school but didn't want to drown in debt. I was hoping I could work somewhere that would have tuition reimbursement for their employees.

I don't have to fit in but it would be nice not to feel like an outcast.
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