How hard have you worked on social skills?

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I'm interested to know what kinds of techniques you all have learned and how you learned them. I didn't start learning actual social skill until my sophmore year in high school when I moved into boarding school. I was having so much trouble getting along with my roomates that I actually sat down with them one day and asked them "What do I need to change about myself?". I wrote down everything they said and every day I would ask them if I got any better. It was a slow process and I had a few meltdowns, but now I feel I'm able to deal with NTs appropriately. I'm still the "awkward" one and I still get teased, it's just now I try not to let it get to me. ( I'm by no means perfect at this though) Well, that's my story. So what's yours?

I had a massive nervous breakdown when I was nineteen and I ended up in a secure mental unit. After they had fixed those problems I had hours and hours of social skills training from psychologists and nurses. There were role playing exercises, lots of visits out to where NTs assemble such as pubs and clubs and we did exercises in front of a video camera so that afterwards we could de-construct our own work. Thirty four years later I am still making use of the skills they taught me.

Vanilla_Slice

For me it was loads of trial and error and embarrassing moments before my social skills were half decent, and it wasn't that long ago either

wowee-wow. i need work. that's all i can say.

For me it's constant and depends very much on my overall mood and well being. If I get enough time on my own each time it's easier to be with other people at other times.

Like another poster said, I've also found the best way to learn is to ask people close to you for their perspective.

So far I make use of the following skills:
- Smile, smile a lot. Especially when greeting someone, I usually have a big beaming smile. (people like smiles)

- Ask questions. If someone tells you about something, find a question to ask (e.g. they say:
"I went on a holiday to [insert country]." Ask: "Oh, wow, so how did you like it?/ How long did you stay?/ What did you do there?" etc.). Or comment on it (e.g. "I heard that [insert country] has a rich history and it's absolutely gorgeous, you're so lucky!").
(asking questions forces the other person to open up or to keep the conversation going and it shows you're interested in them).

- Try to look the person in the eye every now and then. (I once read that it makes people think you're actually listening and it makes you connect with them)

- If you've just met someone, or even if you've met a couple of times or think you're good friends, do not be too open with them and tell them everything and anything as it will either be used against you or it will scare most people away. (this one is the hardest for me:\)

I learned the real ones, the fake ones which have no purpose other to consolidate one's conscience ("white" lies) and BS ones ("properly" BSing) I just throw out the window as I see them as amoral and counter-productive.

1: Small Talk ; I used to hate small talk but I don't so much anymore, especially with my friends and family, I sometimes do find it annoying when strangers try to intiate small talk though, of course you can't just rely on small talk to have a conversation.

2: Switching Topics ; I don't remember how I learned this one, but you have to do it properly otherwise you're being rude or deflecting a certain conversation, switching topics is used when one topic is discussed to it's maximum extent at the time. Believe it or not alot of NT's don't know how to do this one properly, they end up being rude (shifting gears in the middle of a conversation) or asking how you can switch a convo yourself which is actually easily explainable.

3: Lying ; I only do this to protect my family and friends when if someone asks something that I don't think they (friend or family member) would like to have discussed with the person (personal stuff that's none of their buisness). About myself I don't lie, I'd rather embarrass myself and admit my faults, I don't care if people think I'm not perfect because I'm not and they aren't either despite claims to the contrary. Unfortunately this chronic honesty regarding myself makes it hard to land a job where you're "supposed" to BS especially with the way the economy is in the US right now.

4: Tact ; I have tact sometimes, but it doesn't take the form of "white lies", it's usually constructive criticism or advice, I'd rather help someone by giving advice than keep them down with lies (although intended to be "nice"). I pretty much expect people to do the same regarding myself, I'd rather be told a nasty truth and get some advice than a "nice" lie and remain oblivious and helpless. Of course not all nastiness that comes from peoples mouth is truth some of it is psychological sadism that might stem from envy, if the nastiness doesn't come with advice it's usually BS.

5: Looking people in the eyes : Already knew this one from the get go, although sometimes people say my eyes tend to waver and they think I'm shy which I guess is true, I'm generally not comfortable around people who I don't know well.

my social skills are really bad.

I developed 1337 ninja skillz early on.

Seriously, though, I learned how to see and hear without beeing seen or heard, or, if I was, how to not be cared about. I watched people for a long time when I had nothing else to do except think. I would think about math as I observed how people acted around one another. I ended up associating social skills and communication methods with math. Unfortunately, while I know fairly well how I'm supposed to act in social situations, I do not. Whether this is because of executive functioning issues or stress, I don't know. I just know that I do.

And I don't care all that much about it, anyway.

I've written down the social skills I use somewhere in the 'Social Skills and Making friends' forum, under 'Redefining social skills'.

They boil down to: don't be rude, don't be dishonest, and be clear when speaking.

If a social skill doesn't make sense, I won't use it. Especially after asking someone to explain why I must follow it to me and getting circular reasoning in response...

I feel I live a script to do small talk and I've read about AS and learn what not to do and what not to say. I also learn through here from other aspies experiance. I've also learned to not talk about my obsessions so much because well people don't want to hear about the same thing over and over.

I have tried very hard but sadly it never comes out right. By that I mean I prepare on what I say to people and I have it in my head on how it goes and how I work it out but once the situation actually happens, it doesn't go according to plan. I can talk casually to people easily if they start conversations. If someone actually talks to me, I try to go on as long as I can before the topic dies out. However, I just don't have the ability to start conversations with anyone unless it's absolutely necessary. I never feel it's the right time to talk to people. I can't even greet people unless they greet me first. There's something in me that makes me feel uncomfortable doing it even if I like the person. The bottom line is I understand how to respond to questions and how to talk to people if they show interest but it seems like I still can't do that on my own. It's like I have a mental block of some sort. It also seems like the more I like a person, the harder of a time I have talking to them. I see people I like(there's a particular person I'm quiet fond of although I doubt she knows it) and I can never have a decent or really good conversation with people when ever I get a rare chance. It doesn't matter how long I know someone, I just can never get these social skills right but I'll have to keep trying over and over again. It saddens me on what I could have if I was neuro-typical. Hell, I'd probably be great friends with this particular girl.

All of these sound familiar. The hardest part for me too, was not talking about my obsessions. Small talk is still hard and I've never really quite mastered it just because I hate it so much. I just don't see the point of it at all. Something I learned about eye contact is to look at people's nose . I've asked people and they say that they can't tell the difference when I'm looking at their nose or their eyes.

I've solved my social skills issue very easy. I don't go to anything social other then what is nessersary. (work). Not doing anything social means you don't have to worry about those skills NTs thinks are so important but people that know better, the people with AS no social skills don't matter. If you are judged just on those, its like you are being judged on looks.

Social skills are like the bridges one builds to connect islands and other places isolated by water. They matter if you want people to see your qualities, for better or worse, just like bridges are important only to the ones who want to get to the other side. I value other things more.
One thing I value highly in all people is straightforwardness. No talking behind the back, underhandedness, treachery, or anything like that.
If somebody is nice, talks to me, compliments me and is sweet to my face it means nothing if they are saying awful things about me when I'm not around or trying to manipulate others into disliking me or ostracising me or planning things even more devious. Straightforwardness is more important to me than the fake, sugary, sweet talking.

Not very hard. I just kind of zone out when I'm with a group of people.

Actually when I did try hard I ended up with social anxiety, so I don't want to go down that road again.