My Aspie Pride Is Gone.

Post Reply New Topic

It's just too hard right now.

I have low self esteem, anxiety, depression. I remember every social interaction I've ever messed up--and I've messed up a lot. I can't fit in, can't enter into groups or carry on conversations. They don't teach that sort of social skills. I feel extremely incompetent; a failure. And it feels like it's all because of my AS.

Remind me why I should be proud of autism again? Why it's not a bad thing in need of eradication? Why I shouldn't feel inferior and sub-human?

You should feel pride because it's who you are, regardless of what it does and doesn't do. If you had brown eyes instead of blue would it ruin your life? I realize this is a bit more serious than that, and life impacting, but remember, you cannot choose who your parents are, and the genes they give you. It's not in your hands. You are stuck with the luck of the draw so why feel bad about it? It's really not your fault.

Sorry to hear of your problems, I hope you manage to overcome them.

You are not alone in feeling cursed; I think every person with AS has felt accursed from time to time. I know I have. But one thing that helps me is to remember that AS is neither a curse nor a blessing. It just is. Having AS means neither that you are better than others, nor worse. I am sure you have achievements or personal strengths to be proud of, so try to remember those (write them down, you might find it helps).

Also I would add that social skills can be learned. Much has been written about this, and there's even a section of the forums that deals with "social lessons" in some detail. It's not easy sometimes, but you can learn how to be better around people. There's people here whose experiences testify to that fact.

Hang in there!

Is it because of your AS that you can't fit in, or thefault of the others? Is it your AS that prevents you from entering groups, or are those groups simply too exculsive? Is it your AS that prevents you from holding a conversation, or is it the other person expecting you say something unreasonable? How did you mess up your social interactions?

Then, what benefits has your AS brought? Try listing them.

you should feel pride because it's who yo are and everything you are and nothing can ever change it, you need to accept this in order to continue.

Try an make small talk if not try and seek out people of similar interests because if you indeed not finding a need to communicate well feel like the conversations are contuing its because they are not stimulating enough I know its hard to seek out new people, are you in work, uni as there it would be easier

just hop in conversations especially if something of interest pops up because you may develop a mutual relatioship for example when I was in initiatio at uni I heard family guy mentioned slammed into the conversation and now that person is one of my very best friends. A lot of friendships are met through coicidence

I hope you can find yoursel as you sound desperate for help, well lost and believe me you should never hate yorself I was in a similar incident when I was 18 and I told myself I am essentially my worst enemy and that is the case with AS its true I told myself that I must not let that happen and that I can only support myself theres not exactly a que forming lol

The best thing about feeling this down is that you can't sink any further. You've got nothing to lose. If you've failed socially already, then there's nothing stopping you from trying time & time again. The worst has already happened, & you've walked away from it alive. While most people have complex social networks that rely on thier reputations that are too valuable to risk; you don't. There's nothing you can say or do that will cost you much. Have some fun with your situation.

Being an NT with an active social life is hard work. Feel glad you can do what you want, when you want, without having to answer to anyone. That kind of freedom is something many would envy.

Sure, watching groups of happy NTs enjoy each other's company from the outside can be depressing. However, that's just the height of being like them. Most have been raised with such a pack mentality that they can no longer act alone. Behind the scenes, they hurt a lot, & often lose sense of who they are & simply adapt a group mentality. Be glad to be as self-sufficient as you are.

I've been there a lot. My youth memories seem sometimes to be one long string of embarrassments, ones I keep having to get over after reliving.



I'm not sure how I would do that and avoid it sounding like "things will get better, just be patient." I don't want you thinking I'm trying to invalidate what you're feeling. You feel what you feel, and one could argue that feelings, in addition to being neither good nor bad, are really neither necessarily right nor wrong. You're hurting. That's understandable.

I'm not a counselor, but I have an idea for you. Think about which part of the social interactions you mention is really more important to you: (1) having figuratively fallen on your face, yet again; or (2) what you decide to do with yourself after you fall on your face. Standing up again and pressing on can be a really hard thing to consider. It is for me, almost daily. Ultimately, though, I've never found doing so to be anything less than extremely worthwhile, even if I have to convince myself of that anew every time. A tricky part is remembering to remind myself of it when I'm down. That takes practice, but again, I've found it worthwhile.

You do have worth, for nothing more than just in being you. The decision of how to acknowledge that worth, though, is yours to make. I hope you make it in favor of seeing the worth in yourself enough at least to try—even yet again.

You shouldn't feel bad because These Four Truths, Noble they be:
Life is Suffering
Suffering comes from Attachment
The Cessation of Suffering can be Attained
The Path to the Cessation of Suffering is Eightfold

You shouldn't be proud of being on the spectrum, you shouldn't be proud not to be. You shouldn't NOT be proud of being on the spectrum, you should Be. Just Be It. You messed up a lot. So do I. So does everybody, that is how life works. Did you do your best? Did you attempt to learn from your mistake? If yes, good on you, just keep on with that, that is all there is to it. If no, I suggest next time you do your best and if you make a mistake, make a sincere attempt to understand why you made that mistake. Can't figure out why? Keeps happening? be a winner be a loser, be successful or be failing, just keep living, being. Search your Inner Self and find that which feels right for you to be, and go with it.

You are growing or you are dying, so have love of self and choose to live and grow and walk your own unique path. Don't worry about the haters, don't worry about the failures and mistakes, those are just there to give your life contrast. How do you know you are loved with nobody to hate you? How do you know you are making mistakes without comparative successes? Don't like the contrast? Walk the Eightfold path and become more dispassionate, Be the reed in the wind, letting the wind of life blow past over and around you, experiencing without attachment to the experience. The meaning of life is really quite simple once you meditate on it. Be more tomorrow than you Were today. I came. I was. I died. Life Went On.

We were all born equal, we will die equal. We exist, what Greed to ask for more than the greatest gift we could ever receive.

I can relate. I can't seem to fit in either, and I don't think I will really. But I've accepted who I am. I always feel that at times the world should just bend to OUR laws, our way of thinking. I somehow think there isn't enough tolerance or awareness for Asperger's Syndrome.

At least you have modesty you seem like a nice person I myself went through the same problems 2 years ago when I was your age. High schools are very toxic environments for us. I've used my hobbies to get me through luckily most of my classes involved computers Digital media, and video game design helped me express my self in a way that was like my own inner world

Remind me why you should want to enter into herd-like groups of mindless humanoid animals or carry on pointless conversations with people whose brains can't hold a single intelligent thought? Oh yeah, you're seventeen. Okay, I get it. I recall feeling that way at that age, too, and this is cold comfort now, but - you do outgrow it.

As far as the social skills go, hang in there - on those occasions when you do interact with others, you are learning those skills whether you realize it or not. Don't be fooled by the diagnostic stereotypes into thinking that you can never learn to socialize - AS is a learning disability, but it's not a mental incapacity. We pick up the social skills more slowly, they don't come naturally to us, but we can and do absorb most over time. To be honest, there are certain NT thought processes that I will never understand, but you'll gradually develop coping skills. Don't spend so much time agonizing over it, that only makes it harder. Focus on the times when something goes relatively smoothly and relish that.

The feeling like a failure part is trickier and I dunno if I can help with that. I've achieved some fairly cool things in my life and I believe I have a few useful skills and plenty of knowledge and I still often feel as though it's not quite enough. Funny thing, I'm not sure if that's the AS itself, or just self-esteem issues brought on by having to struggle with it's limitations for so many years without knowing why those limitations existed. You, at least, have the benefit of knowing early on what roadblocks you're likely to encounter, so you can find your own unique & creative ways around them. And you will.

Pride? Well, having a higher IQ and the ability to focus on specific subjects to the point of obsession can accomplish some positive things. At times, it can make you the most useful and/or desirable person in the room. You are definitely not sub-human. Don't ever think that - that's an insult not just to you, but all of us who share your condition. Here's a thought: There is no such thing as NT. Everybody suffers from some set of limitations due to the way their brain functions. Our set of limitations just happens to have a specific name. If I had to get a wiring system with a few alternate circuits, I'm glad I didn't get the one whose issues read: Stupidity, cruelty pettiness, prone to deceit...

Truth is, I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I despair at the seeming dead-ends I keep running up against in the maze of life. Then I see something like what just happened to Michael Jackson, who probably accidentally killed himself trying to get a few hours' sleep and I remember all the years of suffering he went through trying to find himself amid the roaring din of fame - and I realize there are more than enough demons for all of us to battle, and even fame, riches and glory don't make one immune. Cure? My personality is entirely formed by the way my mind works. Change that, and you change everything. I don't know who I'd become and I don't care to find out. Without my AS, I might be an even bigger a**hole than I already am.

I wish you peace. Mariska Hargitay!

Those people who stereotype Aspies as people without empathy should read this thread. I am so proud to have you all as my genetic peers.

More like it's you unwilling to pick yourself up and keep trying. Having AS doesn't make you any worse or better than anybody else. Don't blame it for when you f**k up. Sure, you may be socially inept, but that just means you have a high peak to summit, and every step forward will make you stronger.

I know how you feel. I also know that you won't feel it forever. I'm getting older now, and the torments that pursue me don't upset me so much anymore.

Sometimes I mess up socially, and it really gets me. For example, I've been working at my current place of employment a month.

I had to show some people around where I work... without going into too much detail, there were health and safety regulations involved. I can't drive, the guy who was meant to get me a lift to the area I was to show them around didn't arrive in time. I arrived not long before the team I was to show round.

Nobody had explained protocol, or even the site layout to me.

These guys turn up, I thought that I knew what to do... I've worked in similar institutions before. So, I treated them like any other employee, and showed them round the site.

Unfortunately, at various points I ducked under electric fences, climbed barbed wire, and expected them to keep up.

Turns out, that's not in line with health and safety.

Yes... if I was NT I would have probably realised that. But it never dawned on me that most people can't run or climb as fast as I can, and because the last place I worked in was slacker than this one, it didn't dawn on me that the practises at this place would be so much different. The whole thing was compounded by the fact that I just can't drive, because my left is up and my right is down. I'm dyspraxic on top of everything else, and I simply CANNOT drive safely.

In the end it worked out okay. My boss chewed me out, repeatedly, with comments like, "didn't you realise not to bring them over barbed wire fence..." (six times over a week she brought that up) And there was a part of my brain kept thinking, "what's wrong with you, why don't you just kill yourself."

But I realise now that this is just something I go through, on an intermittent basis. I'm no longer stressed about it. I've explained how it happened. If my (also aspie) boss can't accept that... it's not my fault. We got the contract, so I can stop beating myself up.

No matter how bad you feel... my advice is, remember that feelings don't live forever. Our Buddhist friend above has some good advice. (I'm not a buddhist, but I agree with everything he says... it's just good sense.)

I hope you're feeling better soon.

If I was a careers adviser I would definitely NOT recommend you take up a career in counselling! I don't think the OP is unwilling to pick themself up, yaddeh yaddeh yaddeh.

It's more likely that they're depressed, and don't need finger pointing. Just be glad you've never felt that bad yourself.

Thank you for the compliment. If you refer to my comment about not wanting to invalidate Almandite's feelings, among the other replies, however, I should confess something. I don't think that my concern over invalidating her feelings was empathy, exactly. This is because concerning myself with whether or not I'm validating anyone else isn't something I would have even occurred to me had I not married to someone who (1) constantly needs "validation" from other people, (2) somehow cannot give it to herself, and (3) never seems to get enough from me, because it isn't something I need for myself. (I long ago concluded that if I had to wait for someone else's input to justify anything about myself, that I would be waiting a long time, perhaps forever. That didn't seem practical.)

Correct me if I'm wrong, Alphabetania, but empathy, as I think you're referring to it, sounds to me like it's unconscious and automatic. The thought processes through which I composed my response to Almandite's message were neither. Conversely, they were very much conscious and very carefully thought out ahead of time. They were the course I set for my reply, acting on a nearly blind guess that something I had seen often in another person, but never really understood, might possibly apply to Almandite, especially considering her age (17, I think). I hesitate to call that empathy. It does, however, illustrate a point: I may have more trouble than most understanding another's need for emotional support expressed in a way that my AS doesn't understand, but that doesn't mean I can't try to deal with the need anyway.

I found that sometimes just going through the motions, whether or not I really feel what the other person thinks I'm demonstrating by doing so, accomplishes the support anyway. That's not saying I'm lying to them. (I'm not suppressing my true self either; I'm still me, no matter what others amy see in what I do.) It does say, though, that I, as an Apsie, can communicate with another who needs my support if I maintain the will and patience to do so, even if I have to think about it more than the average person to be successful at it. That's one thing I have learned over the years, and something I keep relearning. I don't have to agree with someone's reaction to something to be convinced that the reaction could be valid, or that the reaction is worth dealing with. I may be too emotionally blind for actual empathy, but I can compensate in other ways. That keeps me able to deal with others. It takes constant practice, but the effort has always been worthwhile.