Ever thought what's wrong with me?

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Sure I understand AS and the traits and issues I have etc. but at times I still think what's wrong with me and question my behavior. Like what I'd do if I went back to College etc. example to go head on into my (now knowing special interest) of learning Psychology (which looking back came off as weird even to the teacher) So the thought crosses my mind sometimes. I don't want to be someone I'm not (AKA behave like "them",other people/students etc.) but don't want to come off as weird etc. not to mention the slip ups around family of saying/doing something I shouldn't. Does anyone else kind of feel this way?

I haven't really thought about that.

i know what you mean. ive thought the same thing.

I know where you're coming from, but it's something you have to get used to. No matter what you do, you will always appear weird to other people because deep down it's behaviour you don't personally regard as weird. All you can suppress is what your superego thinks other people think is weird; the rest all comes shining through before you even realise it.

[quote="EnglishInvader"]I know where you're coming from, but it's something you have to get used to. No matter what you do, you will always appear weird to other people because deep down it's behaviour you don't personally regard as weird. All you can suppress is what your superego thinks other people think is weird; the rest all comes shining through before you even realise it.[/quote


Thanks EnglishInvader that makes me feel a little better.

No, I usually think "what's wrong with everyone else?"
99% of the people on this planet are crazy; it's as simple as that.

Sure I wish I could join in all the reindeer games, but if it meant I had to become a Muggle, then I'd rather stay as I am.

Only when I'm awake.

Especially during my teenage and college years I wondered why I was different. By that time in my life, I realized that I was definitely not in the norm. I tried to fit in with social groups, but it felt so awkward because I obviously didn't fit in with them. If I did try to interact as my peers interacted with each other, I felt so false and uncomfortable. I felt like a square trying to fit in a circular opening. At school dances, which I rarely attended until I was a senior and dating, I drifted into the corners and onto the bleachers to sit with the other "geek" types. It was painful in the sense that I felt like I was supposed to be fitting in with my peers, but yet it was too "strange" to try to fit in. So yes, I wondered, "What is wrong with me?"

As I began closing out my peers in preference to my world of roller coasters, house plans, and music---I was thought of by my peers as eccentric. Was I shy? No, not in the traditional sense. I loved to perform music at the school events. I loved to bowl on the school bowling team. I was not scared of people or trying to avoid them---I just didn't like the awkward feel of trying to be what the "world" thought I should be. My parents often thought I should be more involved with peers. I think they worried about that. But I liked my world---and to this day, I do not regret the eccentric childhood that autism gave to me. But at the same time, I wondered what was wrong with me. I came to the conclusion that I must be the only person in the world like me. So you can imagine the feel I had when I discovered autism was the reason for my strange life. That was a tremendous relief---I was not the only one like me in the world.

Today, many years later, I have come to peace with my eccentric ways. I am no longer that bothered when I drift into the corners of social gatherings concerning my job or at my wife's family's frequent gatherings. There is a reason for my social awkwardness---that reason is autism. But autism gave me fun-filled special intense interests, talents, and gifts. And for that reason, I am forever grateful.

Last edited by glider18 on 23 Oct 2009, 11:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'm something of an obsessional curebie when it comes to looking at myself - as if deepdown I feel there's something obscure that's very much wrong with me, as if I might one day stumble on a simple behavioural solution to all my woes if I just manage to look in the right place. One counsellor became quite concerned at my tendency to dig away at my past as if I could find something bad in there and rip it out.

I'm sure it's not rational of me to have such an attitude - after all, I somehow passed a lot of exams, I've always been able to keep myself fed and housed, I've fathered and brought up a child who still seems to like me, my employers and colleagues have often praised the quality and speed of my work, people compliment me on my musical talents. Relationships have hardly ever lasted beyond a few years, but the fact that I've been able to begin those relationships at all suggests I've somehow managed to be attractive to them. I know that I can form satisfying friendships with non-judgemental people. When I turn my mind to a problem, I usually solve it.

I've got a feeling that the whole notion that there's something wrong with me comes from my upbringing. My mother was very negative and critical of me, so I grew up with an unnecessarily harsh self-image. So maybe I'm just trained that way so strongly that I'll never quite be able to believe that I'm actually pretty much OK.

Yep.

I think it's just important to communicate with other people. You don't have to look normal to communicate.

Very good thoughts here Callista. Everyone who experiences this social awkwardness should realize that. Let's not worry about how "strange" we might sound in our conversing, but instead, let's communicate in the way that feels comfortable to us. If people don't like how we sound, then that's there problem. They don't have to talk to us anymore if they don't want to. But at least we have made an effort. We must be comfortable and not be afraid to let our voices be heard if it's just small talk, or perhaps, something really important.

Yes, since kindergarten I wondered what's wrong with me. By high school I was depressed. But in college, I realized that there were others similar to me, that they tend to be called weird, eccentric, geek, etc. by the rest of society, but that they were smart and interesting and I seemed to fit in with some of them. But since nobody was saying anything was wrong with my eccentric peers, I started to think "there's probably nothing wrong with me after all, I just fit in with an uncommon type of person." I'd still sometimes wonder "what's wrong with me?" or more often "I wonder why simple social things are so hard for me?" or "why do I have such problems communicating, that even most of my peers don't seem to have?" But things seemed OK overall, I didn't worry about it much.

After learning of Aspergers, now I just have a lot more questions without answers!

my whole life, i've always wondered why i was so different and had so much trouble "fitting in." but once i figured out that i had asperger's now i look back at past experiences where i have done things and been laughed at/made fun of/talked about, 99% of these things all make sense to me now. so now i don't worry so much about being different or something being worng with me because i now know whats "wrong" with me. and i feel like a normal aspie.

Wait, what? There's something wrong with all of you? Because... I'm just not seeing it.

Some interesting words of encouragement thanks guys.