Dealing with troubled past

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In my whole life I have always always and always escaping from my past and suffered of it!
11 years of nightmare schoolyears, screwed up working places, uncountable bad relationships with other people and more.
I have always left all situations, places and people in anxiety and never ever turned back again. Left with memories chasing me like an evil ghost

This year I have tried to break this twice by trying to meet and confront my past, in both cases after careful consideration
The first attempt was this spring with a former workplace. It turned out in me beeing offended, rejected and left with increasing anxiety.
was too intense, said too much and was too eager and this was not popular from the other side

This weekend I tried to return to an internetforum I was very active on during past years. Exactly the same happened again!
I was told "you often missunderstand things" by someone who didnt even know me properly and who did not know about my AS diagnosis

The next day I met my workconsultant who asked me to sign an agreement statement. What it said? yeah, the exact same thing: "she often missunderstand peoples intentions"

In these moments its extremely painful to have AS. I have badly screwed up things for myself
I just wanted to develope my special interest which I cant in the way I want now and I missed a lot to have friends on the internet to chat with. Now I have absolutely nothing as result of my own actions
Im feeling incredible sad and very much lonely

It is all part of having AS. NONE OF IT IS YOUR FAULT. you cant help who you are. and if the people around you don't like you, then thats there fault and not yours.

People need to be more tolerant of others. but sadly they are not . this is why you have these problems, because people do not take the time to understand you or get to know you. but if they did, they would see a good person under it all. dont blame your self for your lack of social skills. its something you cannot help.

I hope that you can find people who will understand and like you for you. and wont try to change you. your ok just the way you are you just need to be around people who like the real you.

I hope everything works out. and in regards to running from your past, you should try to confront what is bothering you in a safe setting where you wont be re traumatized.

Good luck with everything. you'll find you way eventually.

Wow, I can totally relate to this. My past haunts me every day. It is, like you said, a evil ghost chasing after me - and you can't escape it no matter how hard you try. I would give anything to get away from it. I feel your pain.

The problem I find with forgetting about the past, is that I haven't changed much in between those bad events and present day. It's difficult to put things behind you, when your current memories revolve around the same inabilities. So for me, until I become something which I was not in the past, the past won't really be something separate in my memory. It will just be the earlier memories of a series of unfortunate events. I still struggle with it in this regard.

People can be very hard. If your not like the norm they think your stupid or odd or what ever. It is not you who is a failure, you are not at fault, it is the disorder you have. The thing is there is nothing to see, you're not in a wheelchair or you walk with a white stick. I am 43 and I have been in many jobs. I like cooking a lot, but I can't work in a restaurant, too much stress. Your even worse of when you're a border case like mysself. What wrong with her, she can drive, speaks two languages, lives on her own and even studied psychology. I don't know if you have been proper diagnosed, but perhaps then you can get a work placement where people have to accept the way you are.

Same here - I'm sorry it happens to you too. As if all past (painful) events are embedded in my brain and there's no way of letting it go, forgetting.

I have now trained myself to always expect the worst and never to hope for anything because that is the only way to cope.

I don't get people or their intentions - there's no way to predict them because there are too many factors involved, no sound reasoning or accurate data, no logic or patterns - just vast area of unpredictability and randomness. Stochastic processes govern the world of people.

I think it's just useless to try to deal with people who are going to hold misunderstandings against you. If you don't have any choice about misunderstanding things and being misunderstood, what you have to do is realize that, and try to cleave to people who are okay with it. Other people who have been misunderstood are more likely to appreciate your open honesty and willingness to figure out where the breakdown in communication is and fix it. I think WP spoils us a bit, getting used to talking to people who can do that. But maybe it's just a sign that you really have to look for that, seek it out, know that that's what's important if you're going to interact with anybody.

If someone has an easy time generally making themselves understood, that's all well and good for them, but they're probably not going to get where you're coming from in needing to actually work through differences between perceived meaning and intended meaning. It seems like most of the world just doesn't understand that in a real misunderstanding, the offense is truly not in what was said, but in how it was interpreted. (I think a lot of people abuse the term "misunderstanding." They turn it into "you didn't react how I wanted you to react" rather than what it really is, which is "you didn't hear what I actually meant.")

I live a lot in the past too, once you know you're Aspie it's a natural thing to look back over your life and say "What if..."
In all honesty the realisation is, for me anyway, that what's done is done. The past can't be changed but now I know who and what I am then I can move on. I don't always get it right and I still beat myself up about the way I handle certain situations, but the beating up part comes much sooner and so does the learning process. Which means I catch myself more often before things get out of hand, take a deep breath and rebuild the bridges before they burn down behind me.
My little mental trick for this sort of thing to envisage the memory as something I watched on TV, then I wrap it up, imagine the scene (TV and all) locked up in a big lead box and dropped into the ocean. It's dealt with and I move on for better or worse.

I have my own personal demons I struggle with from past issues...things I did when I didn't know about AS or that I was likely autistic.

I don't know if you can ever find closure for some of them. Acceptance and moving on as best you can is all you can do.

I don't expect people from the past to suddenly be more understanding, and confrontation, while offering a chance to find closure, can also have the result of reopening wounds that have managed to heal after years of moving on. Hence, I choose to just move on. The scars are part of who I am, and nothing will change that.

I can relate to what you're saying, Xalepax. Childhood thru my 20s were a real nightmare at times, and while things have calmed down and even "normalized" to a certain extent for me now, I still have those bad memories and sometimes my past does come back to haunt me. The worst, IMO, is when I have to deal with relatives I haven't been in contact with for a while, or other people from my past who gave me a hard time or just weren't all that nice to me. No one likes having old wounds re-opened or having their nose rubbed in their failures or mistakes.

But I have found people who are accepting of me the way I am, and I've managed to carve out a little niche for myself, I don't have to rely on others to get by. Not that my life is perfect now or anything, far from it. But its better than it used to be. I just look at myself as a work-in-progress and take it at that. Yeah sometimes its hard, very hard, to just deal with all the bs in life and sometimes people just don't understand me or think I'm weird, but it doesn't bother me like it used to.

The only real advice I can give is don't blame yourself and don't let other people's views of you affect your own self-worth. Hope your Thanksgiving is a good one.

u cant escape but u can "hit and run" i been made to ..how i would say it... remembering stuff from past at talk therapy , it hurts like hell inside but i have noticed it also makes you stronger inside to face it time to time if anyone knows what i mean

Wonderful thank you to everyone who replied. It really meant a lot to me and made it so clear on what forum I really do belong in, its here on WP, Im at home!

I had a very difficult week, trying to fix the problems around that abandoned forum, to make things right and communicate with people from the past.
It has given me enormous anxiety and is very energytaking but also nessesary once I started it off.
I can never turn back time and have things undone. But I can try do my best in finish things in a better way and to look forward to a better future.
For this I have to learn to both leave a place before it gets too much infected making me sick, and to control my behaviour so I can leave properly...

I will be spare in the quotings but ALL your words is valuable to me, thank you!!

Yes I hope this too. Its hard to feel that people cant understand you, no matter how much you try to explain they still make things bad for you. We will meet this kind of people all our life out. Just have to find a GOOD way out!



Its somehow feels good to not be alone, that there is someone who also feel what I feel. You are welcome to contact me anytime if you are in need to speak out. I have missed that in this. To speak to someone NOT involved in dreadful events!!

I will continue to reply this thread later *have to eat and get some rest*

Last edited by xalepax on 27 Nov 2009, 3:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think you should tell the people who tell you that you misunderstand things to explain them to you *when* you misunderstand. Tell them that it's not intentional and if they could explain *at the time* then things would go much easier for everyone involved. It's a very small effort on their part and it would make things go so much smoother. If they are bothered by misunderstandings enough to complain about them they should be willing and able to put forth the effort to explain when they happen.

PaganMom

I think what makes it a thousand times harder is that people don't really know what they want for themselves; so I don't think it's that you're misunderstanding them, more like they can't even give you a direct explanation.

You just happen to be perfect fodder to take it out on being Autistic.

Yeah I know! I just wondering why the heck it can be so incredible impossible to learn of your mistakes!!



Indeed. In this regard its more difficult to have an invisible disorter rather than a visible. Because giving respect and adjustments is only within our brains! To get to understand how we think and act to be able to support and respect us better!



Yeah beeing on the bordercase might be even more difficult sometimes. Because it is not obvious or clear that you do have a mental disorder... My mum use to say to me that its so hard to understand because on some areas Im can be even better than others while in some areas I found something extremely difficult that others see absolutely no problem in.
Im proper diagnosed, since nine years and could get such a work placement - sooner or later - if my workconsultant gets what she wants...



Thanks for your support. Smart way to expect the worst. I learned this week of all events to not show yourself fragile if ever returning to something. Just dont think too much and worry. Appear as happy smiling and take things easy and hold yourself cold. Thats easy to say now, when its too late



Yes true, same with me and that was one of the reasons why things went wrong for me



You have a very good and important point in all your words. I should print it and put it on the wall and remind myself daily really. Your words about abusing the word "missunderstanding" is priceless. I do admit that this have applied to me sometimes but not always. Mostly I have never been able to find explainations of it in such a direct hitting way. I learn useful things here on WP



Thats great you have developed such strategies. I assume you then suffer less from it when you are able to deal with it before it gets worse. I try to correct things but it comes at a stage when its too late.



You are right, I certainly got old wounds reopened this week and gosh what it hurts! Its like living it all over somehow. Looking back I can feel it was not worth it at all. I have better things to do than digging my past like this. Unfortunately I did the mistake to start it up and then I have to take the consequenses before I can move on, hopefully with making that wound to heal properly this time....




Yeah, to rely on others is pretty dangerous
I try not to blame myself, I just try to find ways to get over things about my past easier. I hope Your Thanksgiving was a good one



I certainly know what you mean. I already feel that out of all mess of mine this week there will surely come something BETTER! This is whats makes me going now, otherwise I would collapsed and I will have my talk therapy tomorrow. Hope to get more feedback then. I get crazy of all this past digging now!!



Absolutely the best to do,but unfortunately this can also turn out wrong, at least it did for me. Because attempts to explain got people even more annoyed and the reactions went more like " whats the matter with you. Dont fuss around so much and stop talking like this". Anyway, there is no point digging in that anymore. Done is done. I cant expect all people in the world to understand how AS works...

Last edited by xalepax on 27 Nov 2009, 8:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ooooopsie, new page! All the rest of you got your replies on the previous page

Also, they get offended and missinterpret my intentions - just as the other way round

You know, I dont want to hide behind my AS, making it an excuse for bad behaviours. I want to explain things, say sorry and to make things right and to the better and to make it a good end - mostly so I can move on without feeling bothered about past issues going wrong.
Unfortunately Im not so good in doing this, which can lead to it all getting worse instead of getting better. Thats my case this week.

But I also feel that out of something worse it can also be an ever better results. After all my attempts to meet my past these days lead me to clear desitions about things concerning my future and I had to pass by this painful stage to realise this...