My Brother

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I have a brother in his twenties who exhibits a number of ASD-related traits, but I cannot tell whether they are subclinical. I have not mentioned it to him, and do not know whether to or not. He is unaware of my diagnosis.

He has always had social difficulties and repetitive behaviours. Currently, he is obsessed with horror films, and has been for a number of years. When I go near him, he tries to make me watch certain clips and is very persistent, even pushing my face in their direction. He does not understand that others are not interested. He also has an unusual gait and voice: monotonous, babyish, and mumbly.

I just watched a home video from when my brother was very young. The first clip shows him aged 20 months and he cannot use single words yet, but is communicating with noises (which do not sound like babble).

The second clip shows him at almost 3 years old (34 months) and he is still struggling with single words and the ones he says sound made-up. He is mesmerised by the sight of something and stares at it continuously for several minutes with his jaw gaping, ignoring my father's attempts to interact. When he snaps out of it, he follows my father's instruction to wave, but it is not aimed at anyone and he watches his fingers flex slowly. However, later on, he tries to copy someone's movements and responds to their smiles.

It appears likely he had a language delay. My mother was often criticised by his nursery teachers about him being the only class member who could not dress or undress himself (and about a few other things), and she would become very defensive. She has always maintained there is nothing wrong with him and rarely disciplined any bad behaviours.

He experiences anxiety issues now and is often misunderstood in the workplace. I am unsure whether mentioning ASDs would be helpful. In addition, diagnostic and support services for adults are dire and I do not wish him to go through the system because I found it traumatic (and underwent complaints procedures) and still do not receive support.

You don't mention whether or not your brother is unhappy, or dissatisfied with his life. If he is miserable, there would be little downside in raising the possibility of ASD with him. On the other hand, if he is content you might just open a can of worms.

He does not discuss his feelings or life in detail. I have little to go on. However, I see him experiencing anxiety (e.g., sometimes throwing his dinner away, thinking it is contaminated by the air), nausea and distress from sensory sensitivity, and mood swings. Also, he often mentions wanting to leave his job. Maybe I should only mention anything if things get worse.

I have never discussed my feelings in detail either, so I understand that. However, if you VERY CASUALLY ask him if he is generally satisfied with how his life is, he should be able to reply.

The vast majority of people experience some dissatisfaction with their job, so that might not be a good gauge.

I think you should mention it, but don't shove his face in it (one would presume he wouldn't like it any more than you like it with his movies!). He's got a right to know about the possibility; but there's no good reason why you should be insistent and try to force him to do something he doesn't want. He's a grown man, after all.

I will try casually asking about his satisfaction with life. I would never be insistent about him doing something he does not want to do. Anyway, he reacted badly enough at the suggestion of an eye test.

Given the apparent genetic link with presentation of ASD traits, chances are good that there will be some link.

But the question still becomes, what is your responsibility to inquire into your brother's well being? Given that he is unaware of your diagnosis, it would seem to me to be a bit presumptuous to wade into his well being, before you have invited him into yours.

My approach (for what it's worth), would be to open up to my family about my diagnosis. There can be an opportunity for you to reclaim some space from your brother's attempts to engage you in his interests. If, from this disclosure, he sees an opportunity to investigate his own circumstances, then all to the good. Otherwise, I would leave matters to him.

it is a difficult issue. There are two other siblings of mine who are clearly on the spectrum and undiagnosed. there is a third who may also be and a fourth who is subclinical (I would guess). There is another sibling who is undoubtedly ADHD.

My mother and one sibling (who has an HFA dx'ed son) and I talk about ASD's. I have not spoken with the others about it at any length. Once, I broached it with the female sibling who is so evidently AS female, and she has NO WISH to even consider this horrifying prospect! I was attacked for evening uttering the words "autism spectrum" in her presence.
I have learned to tread very carefully with family members regarding the issue of AS.
One female sibling who is NT queries it all, basically because she is in psychotherapy and has a kind of Bettelheim view of mothers as the root of all evil.

Another NT sister has been great about my dx and has conferred that i have always been eccentric and weird. and for her, the dx explains a lot.

I would tread carefully and I would also talk about it in a generalised manner without an accusatory " I think you have AS." Sound him out and see how he reacts and responds to the information.

Given what you are saying about your observations of him as a youngster and adult, he sounds as if he would fall ont eh spectrum and is certainly not sub-clinical. But of course a decent assessment is required.

good luck outlier.

I have a cousin I know is on the spectrum but I do not know him at all. He has never interacted with me other than obligatory responses if I address him directly, and I very rarely do. I have no idea if he is diagnosed or aware of ASDs or not. My mother knows about me and asked me if i think the cousin concerned is also effected and I told her I have no doubt whatsoever that he is. I do not know if she has discussed this with her brother (my cousin's father) or not. It's a pity really because I do not know my family that well or interact with them that much and I think my cousin is probably a neat guy. I understand he likes playing games on the computer, which is a common interest, and I like his style (he has the most magnificent beard evidently, quite impressive for a young chap).

I have another cousin I suspect is probably also effected and probably does not have any idea, but I have not met him since I was a pre-schooler (he lives in Australia) and am basing my suspicion on second-hand reports for the most part.

My father was very resistant to the idea at first. He seemed to think it was a sort of insult, and he also resisted the idea because he thought it sounded like a person with AS couldnt change or improve themselves... he didnt want to be a person with AS. I dont think I am making sense...

But he has come round to the idea on his own without anyone's input, and understands now that it doesnt say anything bad about him. Sometimes people need time to process ideas, and the idea of having AS is a very radical, lifechanging one.