It's so sad. I wish I didn't *want* friends.

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I've been feeling especially tortured lately. I am having such a hard time with friendships (well, lack thereof), I can't figure it out for the life of me. I belong to a parenting forum and they are all making IRL friendships with each other, getting together. They invite me to their get togethers but I just can't go. I am better 1 on 1, but never seem to be able to make a connection. The other Mom's at my son's school seem to all be friends, and seem really happy doing it, and I feel like I am always on the outside looking in. This would not be a problem if I didn't feel like:

1) I actually want a friend
2) I feel like the whole world all has friends but me, and I feel bad about it
3) I feel so very, very lonely and like something is really wrong with me

I remember thinking when I was younger that if I could only get married and have kids, I wouldn't feel lonely anymore. Mmmmm, nope. Now I feel lonely with lots of responsibilities. Well, it is better than when I was completely alone, but maybe it's a female thing, there's something in me that longs for some kind of connection with another female friend. And I'm starting to resent that longing. It seems like the more I reach out and "try" the more burned I get, but then when I retreat into my little cave, I feel lousy.

I've been watching my "Forever Knight" DVD's lately, a show about a lonely, tortured vampire who cannot accept what he is, he wants to be mortal, yet he can't deny that he's not. I relate so much.

L2K

I'm sure lots of people here can identify, the bit about other parents at your child's school chimes with me most - for seven or eight years I'd go back and forward with my two and not have a word spoken to me by the other mums and dads, whereas everyone else seemed to have their little groups for chatting so I just used to stand by myself with my cheeks burning while everyone ignored me. Every day. The relief I felt when my youngest was accepted into a special school (with transport, so I didn't have to go to school anymore) was overwhelming.

I wish I didn't want friends either and have had experiences lately which have made me think that having friends is just not for me, it's more than I'm capable of and being alone will be less painful in the long run.

I felt the same way, back in 97/98. I wanted friends, and I was almost ready to go into bars by myself, in order to make friends. I go to a clubhouse now, and I have made some really good friends. I'm happier than I've ever been.

i can relate to this, although things are a bit better for me at present because I am attending a group thing that is quite organised and structured. It's a self-help group with fairly delineated and clear systems and topics of relating, and so i can fit in there and do pretty well.

As for the mums at school. I find this SO painful and difficult. They all get on and go and do things together and I am a little older, eccentric and tattooed and very much an 'odd one out." I am able to cut through as much of this as I can contend with for the sake of my son, and it leads to panic and so much stress. I just 'quirk out" when it comes to the seamless ways they relate. I just cannot do it naturally and that is that.

I think some kind of organised group thing is REALLY good for some of us on the spectrum. Not all. But some. I returned to the group I attend after a bit of a break due to some other women there being quite unsavoury about my diagnosis> in the end, I decided i would not let them get to me and I would "front up" anyway and try to focus on the people who are accepting of me and the people who have enough maturity to understand that human beings are glorious and wonderful in their many varieties! there are many of these people around. and it is worth discovering them.

I know how that feels(not the kids and responsibilities part, though). I don't really dislike being around people... I actually enjoy doing things with people, to an certain extent. So, yeah, i sometimes wish i had more friends. I just don't understand how to build social connections.. So it doesn't happen much. I can have a conversation just fine most of the time, but when it comes to building a social relationship or being social as part of a group, i don't understand anything. The friends i do have aren't people i "hang out" with in the same sort of way most people do with their friends, but i know maybe three people outside of my family that might go with me somewhere every now and then.

WOW! I aswell wish I had friends. As of now I don't have any. The only people I am around is my family. (I talk to my sister about this at times and she's respectful and nice thankfully) I want to have female friends to go hang out and do stuff with and perhaps a boyfriend (I've never kissed a guy or dated or anything like that!! !) So overall I know where you are coming from.

I am feeling quite lonely right now if only I had a friend to call that understood me , I dont use the term friend loosley. I have 2 aquaintances I work to keep so my daughter has playdates and one woman who has a weird obsession with me despite the fact I've made a point of rarely talking to her for a year , she has some serious psycological issues and I cant trust her. So that leaves me with no one to talk to late at night when i feel like I am crawling out of my skin. I have done the kids school thing amplifyed by the fact I was volunteering in exchange for tuition I felt like I was back in highschool with the cliques of moms.

The thing is, and i wanted to speak about this paradox to,

While some people with AS simply want to be left alone and dislike people (I assume),
there is also a part - including me - who are interested in life and people, but then we have the following problem:

On the one hand we tend (by instinct or whatever) to isolate and.. well i just see that I spend more time alone than others, it's a fact. We are less social.

On the other hand we still feel lonely. But thats not the thing, it's being aware that you are lonely that is so painfull. This awareness of "hmmm..havn't spoken to other people than my familly in 3 days... damn i'm sad and long for contact' that can get you depressed in 1 second when it strikes you.

It's hard to say if this is worse than for people who are further on the spectrum scale and don't seem to like other people.. we don't know. But the isolating instinct vs the awareness of longing for company is one of the key problems in our life i think.

To end with a positive note to the one who made this topic. I always feel inspired and happy when I ready that somebody with the same stuff as me managed to get married and have kids.
But i'm not a mom, i'm a 21 year old guy - and I got some friends, but I don't see the enough.

I can definitely relate. I always wanted friends in school, however, it was a bit exhausting to be in their groups, and gatherings and all that. I decided my time would be better invested in things I enjoy, like my special interests. Then, I discovered the internet, and I don't feel so lonely anymore. I love to chat, email, and pm. It's much easier than having to talk on the phone, or face to face. And not as complicated.