I started writing a poem. It was meant to be short and go in the writing section, or no place at all. It got abit out of hand as you are about to see. I wrote it to be about anger, and it just kept going and going. This is both a personal piece relating to my life, and also words that I think others can relate to as well. Then after I wrote the poem I sort of just kept going. This is a very long post even without the poem below. If you want to see the "advice" part just scroll past the lyrics.
Deep down inside of me
There is a feeling dark as night
It wants to be break out from me
A truly fearsome sight
Beneath the layers of my being
Deepest fibers of my soul
An unquenched rage is waiting
For me to slip and lose control
Too many times I have let it get out
Too many memories now dead
So much for the good old days
So much for what was said
But I will not let it beat me
I will not let it win
The past must be remembered
But not repeated yet again
I have blown so many chances
Said the wrong thing to many times
Id rather fade back into darkness
It's safer then the light
So many things I could have said
But now the chance is gone
Those days are now long faded
No way to right the wrongs
As much as I want to go back
It is impossible
Besides I know now nothing would have changed
In the end after the fall
Drifting for awhile
Unsure of were I am
Looking for something
Searching for a hand
I pull myself up to the surface
Breathing air thats fresh
But on the breeze there is a taint
Of memories, regret
I sink back underwater
I am not strong enough to swim
Maybe someday I will surface
Maybe someday I will win
I fall into old habits
Much easier then new
Self destructive maybe
I never follow through
The kind words of a stranger
The touch of speech in mind
It may not be the grandest thing
But if nothing else its kind
I started this with anger
Maybe angers what I have
But only after all the layers
Most of me is just sad
We make shields to protect ourselves
From uncertainty and doubt
Withdrawing into a deep abyss
Our minds create to house
Its hard to break old habits
Its hard to try again
Rejection on Rejection
Time after time again
We think that it is hopeless
In love and life alike
Nothing we do will change a thing
It always leads to strife
And maybe that is valid but
We won't know unless we try
Even if we fall down
We must get up and face the night
If we do not make an effort
All other attempts will have been for naught
You ask me why try if there is chance of failure
I answer you, why not?
At this point I've come to see
Its pointless to give up
Life is far to short to be afraid
So take the reigns, giddy'up.
----------------
The last line is pretty corny but It was the best way to end it... Anyways:
I have seen over the past few days on WP many threads and posts. Some good, some bad. There seems to be allot of people who are very down and cannot see how they can fit in. I also see success stories and many words of encouragement. If others can succeed, so can you.
The way I see it, not everyone can do all the cool things I want to do. Almost nobody owns a multi-billion $ tech firm, is the head of some sort of high level security force, or really makes any difference in the world. But somebody does do these things. It's not impossible to achieve. Somethings are harder then others for sure, and it varies per person. What I am saying is that somebody is doing these cool things, since they exist. It's not impossible.
As for relationships - This is a hard topic for many, NT and Aspie alike. I will speak to the AS community since that is who I belong to. AS makes it harder for many to socialize and make friends, and it seems many people are very dejected because of this. However I think it is perfectly possible to find love (so to speak). As proof there are not only many WP members in relationships, but quite a few who are married. If you give up after 1 rejection, 10 rejections, or even 100 rejections, you are eliminating all chance just by doing that.
Being rejected sucks, but if you don't try, then there is no chance it will work. I go into it with a good attitude and low expectations. If I am positive in approach and such and still get "no" for an answer, then I don't feel so bad because I was expecting it. I don't go in with a pessimistic approach though, I try every time. I just don't take it personally. In my last year of HS I was flat out rejected something like 8 or 9 times. I never let it bother me.
Also, if you try 10 times and then give up, those last 10 tries are wasted. If you are willing to try once, you have to keep trying. That said, I am not so concerned about it. If it works, it works. I am not going to go out of my way to stress about the fact that I am 18 and have never been on a real date, kissed, or even been accepted as more then a friend.
As for friends:
Look, I get making friends is hard. I know this very well. However the same thing with dating applies here: If you don't try, it won't happen. Also 1 or 2 true friends, to me, is better then all the fake friends around. I am very careful about who I consider a friend. I have very few "true" friends. I messed up for years, and maybe it was unavoidable because of where I was at that point in my life. But I am here now, and I can dwell on the past, or move to the future.
I have also been hurt and betrayed by those I considered friends. I once, back a few years, was part of a "group" so to speak. There were 5 of us that were very close. I was the only one with AS though. We went through good and bad times together. It was great, even with some drama that happened. That ended sadly in 2007/8ish. Since then the group we had has dissolved. I keep in touch with 2 of them now, and only one of those two is a regular contact.
One fell to alcoholism and depression, had a misconception and is bulimic.
One has gotten evicted, had his stuff stolen, been homeless, and arrested.
One I still talk to a decent amount, and for several years we were "best" friends, but sadly even we drifted a bit.
One is the girl who broke my heart and almost drove me to suicide.
The last is me.
Good things often don't last forever. It is sad that that group is no more, even sadder that some of those people are now enemies. But I can either regret what was not and dwell on it, or I can move on and try again.
My mom once said I was afraid of something. I denied it angrily, as many would. I was not even sure what she meant. Now I know: I was afraid of MAKING friends because of a fear that things would go wrong again. I have held that thought for far too long. Even if new friends do end up fading, its the experiences and times with them that are important.
School:
School is a hard time for many with AS. Bullying, rejection, being unclear of rules, schedule changes that are hard to cope with, etc. I know that most people on WP have had trouble with school. I know I did. I know I hated every day and almost every kid (plus some teachers). To be honest with you guys, I blew much of school off. Mostly it was do to social stuff. I could not cope with the teasing for a very long time. I skipped classes, refused work, slept, etc. In 10th grade I had a good year. My best I think. I had friends and was happy (as could be for the time). 11th and "12"th I slipped again, eventually dropping out and getting my GED.
Most kids want to be popular and fit in. As adults we may see it's overrated but as kids that did not matter. I think that if you could tell your past self what you knew now as far as not worrying about fitting in and stuff, most of your past selfs would ignore you. I know mine would. But since we know now, we can say to others who are going into those situations what we know. I don't think really any kid 10-16 can ignore social junk. And there is no point being angry because we messed up in those years. The past won't change no matter how much we want it to, so all we can do is learn and help others and not make the same mistakes ourselves.
I hated so much about grade school and HS. I wish I could go back and do some things differently. I think we all do to some degree. However HS helped me figure out (start to) who I was. I am not fully sure I know even now. I found HS to suck but at the same time, there were silver linings sprinkled throughout that not only helped me cope, but taught me some good life lessons, even if I did not get that until recently.
So there, my thoughts (some of them) on Relationships, Friends, and School. I have other things I could say, other topics I could touch on, but for now this is enough. Maybe in another thread at some point I will say everything else that I feel should be said, but any more then this for a thread and I think it would be too much (it already is).
I hope people get something out of this post, even if its not much. This is written for every member here and also for myself. I put allot of feeling into this and much of it is personal, but I thought I would share.
If you skipped the poem part, do read it at some point, it was allot of work >.>
Sorry this got so long, I have been typing for over 40 minutes non stop and did not realize just how monstrous this was until I read it >.>
Edit: Fixed some spelling and cleaned it up some. If you reply, and I hope you do, please do NOT quote this OP... please. I just thought of how horrible that would be...
10 Jan 2010, 6:41 am
