Irrational annoyance... or is it? Part 2 - unwanted kindness

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I find that when someone suggests to me that I might like something, I become wary, even defensive. It's not usually the first suggestion that sets me off but if they are particularly intent, even to the point of being pushy, on my liking it. It's one thing to say, "Y'know, I bet you'd like this book," or, "Have you read this book? I really enjoyed it." But I can get positively furious if someone takes it further, to the point of follow-up questions or even putting the book into your hands. This reaction, however, I think is a bit reasonable... it can be frustrating for someone to try and decide a thing for you.

Where I'm getting grief over this one is in my considerable annoyance at having anyone do me a kindness I wasn't expecting. I hate aggressive niceness. It isn't that I fail to see the niceness of it, that someone is taking the risk to perform a kindness they need not have bothered about. But to me, in the moment, this gesture feels like a form of pressure, it's acting without regard for my personal choice. We're not talking about handing me a bag of muffins, here. I mean people breaking traffic laws to let me into traffic when I was willing to wait, sometimes when I can't even take advantage of their actions because of other drivers (this really is irritating, as it can be dangerous, and because the other person has gotten angry in the past over my non-compliance). Or the giving of unwanted advice. Even holding a door for me when I'm in a bad mood (hence in no mood to thank them, yeah, I'm being a baby about that one). Or saying "bless you" when I sneeze and having a hissy-fit when I fail to thank them (that happened at college. I honestly had never heard of thanking someone for that. It still seems silly).

And here's the one I want to toss out there for opinion, an event that has had me wondering where the line is between my irrational reactions and the excess of others:

A woman at my church, one who is really a very nice woman from all I've been able to perceive, told me around Thanksgiving about a recipe called, "Yummy Potatoes." She said they contained canned cream of chicken soup, corn flakes, and red potatoes among other things. That sounded extremely nasty but I tried not to say so outright; still I thought I had made my point in mentioning my dislike for canned soup and my husband's dislike for any hot dish that includes corn flakes or potato chips as a topping. I was trying to explain that most likely we wouldn't make the recipe if she gave it to me, since I scented the chance that I would later be asked to give my opinion of the dish but had no intention of ever making it and was trying to be clear on that. The next week, she brought me, I kid not, a disposable container of the dish in a paper bag with a plastic spoon. I was already in sour mood when I reached the materials center/library of the church where we both help out, and seeing this disregard of my words in such a pushy form nettled me to no end. I accepted the bag, deposited it by my purse, and set to work helping in the library. She went so far as to tell another lady in a friendly tone that she'd brought it but that I wouldn't try it, but did nothing else. I knew I was being ornery but I also figured she'd get the hint finally. I did take a tiny taste of them later on after I got home. They were as bad as I'd expected. Cold truth, really. Canned soup does not give a pleasing taste to foods. The following week I was home sick (no connection to the potato dish, ha)... and she sent the recipe home with my husband!

I still don't get it. Is this really niceness, to think that a clearly unwilling person needs this badly to be brought into the fold of those who have spent their lives basking in the bliss that is her family's favorite potato dish? My husband considers it aggressive niceness but that it is still just that... niceness. He doesn't get it, but he doesn't look too far into it, either... that's me. I guess it's just frustrating. I've spent so much time trying not to make a jerk of myself being too pushy or missing what people are trying to get across to me, while there are people like this out there who never seem to have a moment's awareness that they're going too far. If you tell them, then you're the jerk. It's just so danged complicated. I consider it the height of rudeness to disregard another person's choice in favor of your own but the world seems to see it differently.

That's it for my complain/opinion drive. I know there are more serious matters going on in the world than the aggressive promotion of bad food, yet these questions burn in my mind for years sometimes and these two posts are an accumulation of years of puzzling encounters. Discuss.

I get excited about books and if I read one that I think is really good I want to share it. Not necessarily to discuss but just because I want to promote the author. I know that it's human nature to immediately resist someone else's suggestion, because I do it too ironically ("How dare you tell me what I'd like"). But I know not to push it. I resisted reading a book someone told me was the funniest book he had ever read for years. I was in the library and saw it and broke down and read it. It probably is one of the funniest books I've ever read. Ironic that the author committed suicide.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone does something for me when I've specifically said I wasn't interested.

Story: My appetite can be kind of wonky. There was a steak dinner at my workplace for everyone. I wasn't hungry. A co-worker asked if I wanted any. I said, "No, thanks. I'm not hungry. Besides, I'm not a fan of steak." She then rattled off a list of alternate items that were available: salad, baked potatoes, etc. Again, I said, "No, thanks. I'm not hungry." She walks off. A few minutes later she comes back with a plate of food and orders me to go eat. WTF?!?! I just said I wasn't hungry or interested in any food. It made me feel like a little kid, that what I said meant nothing to her. I mean, seriously, WTF?!?! I cursed under my breath and walked away. I managed to refrain from truly speaking my mind. What's funny is that she walked off in a huff as if I was the bad guy! Again, WTF?!?!

It wouldn't have been so bad if it was just an isolated incident, but it comes up with some regularity.

Thus endeth the rant.

that soup sounds gross, you were fine in declining it, her sense of boundaries are off kilter and she has control issues (along with being a bit passive agressive by mentionint it to someone else).

Maybe next time just ask her if she can do an emergency tracheotomy on you if your throat closes up when you eat it since you are allergic to.......... (fill in the blank with whatever glop is being forced on you)

I really think something is wrong with people who force *any* kind of food on other people. That is a huge boundary violation in my book.

It was supposed to be a kind of mashed potatoes, but I couldn't see why something with those ingredients would be desirable when I already had plans to feed my family something made with Yukon Gold potatoes (a buttery little spud), milk, butter, salt and pepper. She even said hers was a pain to make. Well, whoop-de-doo. Mine isn't. But none of that is relevant, really... I just didn't want it. Part of the trouble is of course if you wish to be nice to the person, it's going to be easier if they aren't in your face asking you if their revolting spud dish is in fact the best ever.

I suppose what makes it all so frustrating is that it's hard being civil. It's not something I excel at as I have never had great guidance in learning the art and tend to screw up if I have to come up with a response too quickly. But it begs the question, "Why try?" when you give your utmost to be civil and they set you up to fail. I'm talking civil, here, not super bubbly. Just civil. I don't talk a lot these days.

I guess it's a vicious circle or cycle or whatever the term is... I dread messing up, thus becoming more uneasy, and messing up, all while other people assume that if you can form one friendly sentence you must have a whole paragraph. In practice, it's often one friendly sentence followed by something a caveman would consider poorly worded.

For the record, I now know that it is considered polite to thank someone for saying "bless you" though it's certainly on my list of silly social rules followed for no good reason. We say "bless you" because of an old fear that our souls would fly out our mouths or a demon would fly in if we sneezed without the proper blessing. I had just seen a documentary on the subject before I went to college that year, in fact. I don't expect anyone to say "bless you" to me at all, because of this understanding. So it was surprisingly nasty to get a snarky response when I failed to thank her. I do teach my kids to says thanks for it... I now say thanks for it... but it irritates me every time. I even try to keep from sneezing in public on account of it.

I guess I'm just sick of all the random, willy-nilly rules. For every nice person who doesn't make a fuss, there's always some really mean person waiting to chew you to pieces for not knowing them.

Are you by any chance younger than her? Could she see you as submissive or having a lower status than her in any way?

These were usually (for me) the kind of situations that made people act pushy and intrusive in a similar way to what you describe. I find it patronising and insensitive and yes, it angers me . Also, I really doubt there's any actual "kindness" in it, more a form of passive aggressive dominance, pretty characteristic to some "nice" (older) women. (Sorry for the generalisation - I'm just speaking of my experience). In my early '30s I started to deliberately act a bit more distant and formal and it happens less often.

There are different kinds of unwanted kindness. A lot of it is just people being manipulative, so it's not really "kindness", just the facade of kindness.

But there are other kinds too, its hard to make a blanket generalization about it.

Personally, I get pretty annoyed when people try to hard to be nice, in such a way that its obvious they are trying so hard because they lack self-esteem or confidence. Its obvious I must be projecting some of my own issues onto them.

I struggle with bless you/thank you. With ADHD as werll i have to stop what i'm doing to focus on this and say it. If i sneeze i try to keep my attention on my work so it doesn't interupt my attention, so having to listen out for anyone who says bless you so i'm ready to thenk them is an utter pain.

Worse of all it seems if you're within 100 metres you have to say it, i can be around the corner and let out a quiet little sneeze and someone says it, or someone shouts over me to the other side of the room.

It really upsets me that there's so many people in the world who rate my kindness and niceness and how much of a good person i am based on such petty things, rather than my genuine actions, which mostly seem to get ignored.