Voicelessness

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Anyone else feel voiceless? It is a recurring theme in my writing and art - something I have been plagued with for a long time. I don't mean voiceless as in a physical problem. I mean "voiceless" in the sense I am never really heard. What I have to say is not believed, given credit, given importance, is insignificant, can't make a difference, is squelched - I guess it is a sense of powerlessness. Do you know what I mean?

Yes! I believe I understand, at least to some extent. My voice was so stifled by my family as a child that I never really tried to have one anywhere else. When I discovered the internet in the late '90s I would read forums or chat room text but even there I couldn't say anything, just watched for all these years. A big part of my life journey now in my 30's is trying to find and develop a voice of my own. When I joined this site (recently) members here encouraged me to post, to practice and that has been so hard but I keep reminding myself that I am taking small steps. Not sure what the next step will be though.

My whole life I have felt this way.

Unfortunately,it has resulted in a superiority complex for me, because I feel like I have something important to say, but people aren't "all there" enough to listen. I then just tend to assume that they don't need to hear it anyway.
It's not right, of course. But it's a logical reaction...

Recently I had a friend tell me to stop letting people talk over me and shut me up....and then a few weeks later did the same thing when it was convenient. I tend to suppose most people are like this.

But it gets worse when your own family doesn't believe you, or melts things down, or discounts you. You get tired of trying to surprise everyone and prove them wrong.

You are not alone in your voiceless survival. I can only give voice to things I experience, and express in the way I experience them, but not many people (right now no one I know) can see things the way I do – no one I know experiences things the way I do, and they can not understand. They are blind to my troubles. I have to be kind to them when they are mean to me. I have to be the one who understands that they “don’t mean anything by it” when they belittle my ideas, thoughts, or feelings about things.

They can’t know what it is like from behind my eyes, ears, skin. They don’t know what it is like to be oversensitive. They have this idea that being oversensitive means that I can shut it off if I want to – defining in their mind oversensitivity = over reaction = full control over the way I experience the world. It is false, but it is a common belief. I tried telling them that my "over reactions" are like if they put their finger on a hot stove. They would jerk back and maybe even yell a bit. Are they over reacting? They could not see the congruency.

They can not empathize because I am not normal. I have to always be the one who is compromising and learning their language of life; learning how they experience things and having to empathize with them so that I can live quietly in the shadows. I am always worrying that if I complain too much out loud, they will just make things harder for me. Every time I give voice to things that make me feel bad, crazy inside, stir up my over sensitive senses (especially when I am concentrating on something and am surprised by something loud or an unexpected touch) … they take my admission of irritation and turn it into permission to do it more. They enjoy bothering me. I can not imagine enjoying hurting someone on purpose for no reason – other than they are different. If I felt that way I would be hurting everyone, because everyone around me is different. I am a foreigner in my birth country – truly on the wrong planet.

No, you are not alone – in spirit. I am sorry you all are experiencing these things alone like me. I am sorry I do not have any positive words for you that would make it better.

Yes. I absolutely feel voiceless. Especially growing up an only girl with brothers and a mother who always picked on me, criticized me, never listened to me and always tried to tell me what was wrong with me, and what was wrong with my personalty. And to this day, they have never changed.

I appreciate reading your replies - thank you. I hope you know what I mean that I am both sorry and glad that I am not alone.

Yes. I used to talk a lot as a kid and tried to share my interests with my parents and siblings the only way I knew how. I was told they were busy and I was talking too much about the same things. I come from a very christian family(parents, grandparents, self, sister.) The extended family is more liberal then my parents and me. In about 6th grade I think so around age 11/12 I was learning about mummies in school and about Greek myths. I enjoyed the stories and tried to share them with my mother - as stories. My younger sister who would have been about 7/8 interupted me to say that the gods and goddesses in the stories were not real, which I already knew, and kept going on and on over what I was trying to say until I gave up trying to talk to my mom about what I'd learned in school. And of course my mom was busy just then anyway so she didn't want to hear every story I'd read recited from memory right then. I think that was when I began to realize that my family didn't want to hear about my interests and didn't care about them. So I stopped talking to them about my interests for many years. More recently I've tried again to talk to my mother for shorter periods of time(like when we're driving places). With my siblings out of the house it's a little easier to try and talk to her, though she's still busy most of the time and when she isn't she's on Facebook or doing something that still counts as 'busy' as far as my being able to talk to her. Of course most of the time I don't have anything to tell her so it doesn't matter.

I don't know if all I wrote made sense.

Yes, it does make sense - thank you for answering.

I know exactly what you mean O.P.
Whenever I say anything, regardless of what it is, no-one believes I know what I'm talking about, and thusly they think it's false. If anything, people with AS (don't know if that's what you have but I'm assuming so) are more right about stuff because we're more knowledgeable due to our uncontrollable urge to know everything about said topics. It doesn't mean that we're never wrong, but it means that we're wrong a lot less frequently than most people.
For instance, I've studied humanity and human history (regarding the minority), and have found subjugation to be a recurring happening throughout that history, whether it be of race/religion/whatever (Christianity is the big one these days, that is subjugated), it's always happening again and again. People today think they're enlightened enough to never let it happen again, but yet it still occurs on a daily basis. And if it's not race or religion, it's always something else, such as "mental health" (such as lately people talking about bringing back institutions and putting those with AS in them because of what happened in CT), or "views and opinions". People of the majority always shun the minority, yet no-one would agree that it takes place.
This example is one of the things that people would not think is correct, based on their own misgivings and hopes about society and it's "maturity" as a whole. But this is one of the things I've studied for years (most of my life (20+ years)) because I was always treated differently by other people, and still am most of the time. But because people don't see the things that I see, they think what I know to be true is false, and they ignore it.
Sorry so long, but hopefully that serves as a good example.

Yes, I have AS. It is a fantastic example and much appreciated for taking the time. I appreciate reading the replies very much. I have an excellent psychologist and even he has trouble understanding what mean by feeling voiceless - which is a bit ironic if you can imagine the scenario where I am telling him I feel voiceless and he tries but misses my meaning (not that he isn't kind and he does make some reasonable statements - he just doesn't quite get there) ... and again, I feel voiceless. Subjectively, I believe then that the only people who can understand what I mean by voiceless are other people with AS. I can relate to everything that was shared here and I think voicelessness is a culmination, not any one thing. I do feel an extra pang, as where Jayden said no one believes I know what I am talking about. I find this experience absolutely crushing. I suppose it comes, to venture a guess, from the fact that the most meaningful social interaction for me is sharing information, and when this is rejected, it is personal - it pierces my soul. Then, yes, I wonder what is wrong with this world - why don't they want to know? I think also that I deliver my information sincerely and it hurts for people to treat it so trivially. Yeesh - my tears are close to the surface this morning.

Thank you all. LM