Deeply worried for Teen with NVLD

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(Mods, please move if in the wrong place)

This boy that I speak of, is friends with my son. I shall call him D and my son, J. Both J and D are 15 years old and it is for D that I am very concerned.

I do not know much about NVLD(Non- verbal learning disorder) but D seems to sometimes display the same traits as I do(I have Aspergers). He does not make eye contact, he lacks facial expression and his tone of voice is flat. The flip side to it which is nothing like what I seem to experience is, that he lies without knowing it, he acts out compulsively (walking out of class, setting fire to the sports oval, talking back to teachers and calling them names and so on), he has been suspended from school at least 30 times in the last 2 years and the only reason he hasn't been expelled is because of the NVLD dx.

I understand him on a certain level, despite our obvious age difference and feel a deep sense of protection for him. Maybe he reminds me of my struggle through high school. He seems to have quite a few friends and I find him to be very well-mannered when he is here. He has stuck to our house rules of no swearing, no being out after dark and coming home from the movies with my son when I have told them too. He has never acted up for me. But it is that way when you are not their parents, no?

So, he is capable of following rules and understanding consequence. He seeks to do the right thing even if it eludes him in reasoning. He is kind, considerate and does not display emotion(doesn't mean he is not feeling it). I get that on so many levels.

And this is where I feel useless, hands tied behind my back. His parents have had it. D is hurting other members of the family, namely the younger child. There are four children all up in this family. He is destructive, explosive and laughs at everything. I cannot imagine what it must be like to live with that kind of fear, as parents, from one of your own children. But from what I have observed over the last 2 years is the lack of continuos boundaries, the disagreements in discipline policy between parents and so on. I have also seen these parents approach this in a less than holistic way despite their obvious intelligence(the father is a scientist).....discounting therapies because it did not fit into their ethos, when their child is not them and needs to be approached as an individual case with different needs and wants.......and so on.

I do not want to turn this into judgement.......but I so struggle with the logic, or the lack thereof.

They have taken him to a psychologist(finally!!) and told D that he has 4 months to turn his behavior around or they will give him to the State.......oh my heart breaks, for all of them........

4 months is not long enough for this child to learn consequence, self-love and self-esteem and whatever other issues he is dealing with. I have great fear that he will end up traversing a very dangerous path of self-loathing and devastating feelings of abandonment......that he will never know what it is to love himself because he has never been given the tools.......so much so, that I had a very disturbing dream about it last night after speaking to the father yesterday. I only wish I had the resources to house this child for 6 months in collaboration with the parents, to give everyone a break and to come up with better solutions........

I cannot describe the discord that plagues me, the deep ineffectual nature of my circumstances.......the inability to protect this child and the almost paranormal comparisons I can make with my own teenage-hood to his.

I am disturbed........and understand the very delicate nature of this situation.

My heart breaks at my impotence........

Michah

I don't blame you for being frustrated. That boy needs dependable rules, and he's not getting them from his parents. A lifetime of not knowing what to expect, sporadic discipline... this is how juvenile delinquents are made. Often times, the kid isn't the "problem"; he's just the canary in the coal mine, the symptom of the underlying problem--a dysfunctional family, unreliable parenting, and probably parents with their own problems. There is a great deal of money to be made by people who tell the parents that the child is the problem and they can just send him away (for a hefty fee) and have him reformed; but most of the time, all that happens is the parents get fleeced and the teen gets PTSD.

However, I think he has hope. Those four months may be the deadline his parents have set; but consider the logical result if, rather than (as you probably correctly state is impossible) his completely correcting his behavior, he manages to make visible, obvious progress? He needn't be perfect, or even close to it; but if he has progress to show, then the natural result of most people observing his case will be to keep doing whatever is being done--because it's obviously working.

Makes me want to tell him, "Kid, your parents aren't perfect; and they can be wrong. You can't depend on them to make good rules for you. You have to do that yourself. Time to learn how."

Thank you Callista.........for injecting some positivity and hope......

I can be fatalistic at times........

I only hope it can be resolved.......my mind is spinning at the possibilities....

Mics

this is what happens with aspies, we suffer alot more than NT people

A lot of what you described doesn't seem like a direct result of NVLD OR AS.

It's possible that he has a conduct disorder that was never addressed, because everyone around him incorrectly assumed that the NVLD explained everything.

Either way, people with conduct disorders (or just about any person for that matter) need consistant rules and discipline. I've seen some parents who are constantly changing their mind in terms of what the rules are, and then they're surprised when their kid with a conduct disorder flies into a rage. That's the thing. They want SOME degree of freedom. They don't want to be punished when they weren't expecting a rule change. It also encourages them to act out further. For example, my boyfriend (ADHD,ODD) once explained it to me:

"When they say 'You're grounded because you didn't finish every chore', then why should I do anything around the house after that? If they say 'You're grounded because you didn't come home by 11', then why should I come home at 11:01? I should stay out as long as I want. It doesn't make a difference."

Then again, there's the conflict about why they're still grounding him when he's almost 21, but my boyfriend is besides the point.

Either way, it's possible that it's gotten to the point where D can't solve his problems just by his parents getting it in gear. It's going to be tough, as he's probably going to resist quite a bit. He's already 15, and hasn't had a consistant discipline structure in his life yet. Regular psychologist visits might help.